Hadron Collider = End of Earth?

[MadMojoMonkey]

Albert Einstein didn't tell us that gravity warps spacetime, he told us gravity is warped spacetime. And he did explain why. He told us that the presence of energy distorts spacetime around it, creating valleys, which we interpret as straight lines in space curving around a central mass.

By whatever name, the rose smells as sweet. Whether you call it "gravity" or "warped spacetime" the fact remains that there has not been any observation which directly links a particle's energy to its observed rest masses (gravitational or inertial).
It's like: a quark weighs 1 something, and a proton is 3 quarks, so why does a proton weigh 1800 somethings? The mass can be measured and described quite adequately, but the cause of the mass is still a mystery to the most brilliant physicists in the world.
Demonstrate that your theory is correct, Ongie, and you will certainly win a Nobel Prize in Physics.

We think we're going around the sun, but we're not, we're falling into the distorted spacetime its presence causes.

Yes.

Our orbit is an illusion.

Wait, what?

Time is going much, much slower on the surface of the sun, compared to here on Earth. So does that make the sun younger than the Earth?

There is no absolute time-frame. It's all relative. Causality is not a given in relativistic situations. Events do not happen in the same order in all reference frames. It's mind boggling, for sure. In any reference frame you or I will ever be in, the sun is ~4 billion years old, and the Earth is ~3.5 billion years old.

How does this make sense? Obviously the sun is older than the Earth. So the sun must be travelling through less spacetime to balance this lost time. If time is x4 slower at the surface of the sun compared to the surface of Earth, we need to travel through x4 as much spacetime as the sun to remain in its proximity.

Be very careful when you go from "I don't know" to "It must be" in 1 step. There is so much ... hogwash ... (no offense, bro) ... in this part that I don't know where to begin, or even if you were joking or not.

That's why we orbit the sun, because spacetime is distorted. We're not going around it, we're falling towards it, while it falls away from us at an equal rate.

Yes. Wait. No.
All massive objects (stuff made of atoms, for example) exert a force on each other, which is attractive. The Earth and sun both fall towards each other. They are both falling exactly towards each other's horizon, no matter how long they fall, it's still the horizon. This is how the moon and all other satellites maintain an orbit... by falling to the horizon. This is how ALL orbits are maintained.

The rotating spiral of warped spacetime it leaves in its trail creates our orbit. We leave a rotating spiral of warped spacetime in our wake, which the Moon duly follows.

No, the gravity of the Earth is not intense enough to do something that dramatic. The precession of Mercury is an example, though. These ripples you mention are effects of "frame dragging" and tend to throw something like a planet out of an orbit, not hold it in.

I'm just talking stoned shit. But it all makes sense to me. The only thing I haven't figured out yet is why the expansion of the universe is accelerating. Seems too easy to point at dark matter, I think that's a cop out, like we'll just make up some shit to explain what's happening. I haven't got tea because this mystery force is stopping me from actually making myself one. We'll call in antitea.

Well, I'm just doing my part as a person with a physics degree to elucidate the dark corners of misconception with a little knowledge of human achievement.
"Dark Matter" is totally a different thing from "Dark Energy". They are both absolute cop-outs.