Initially, I think intent is more important than words. However, words can become associated with negative experiences and later provoke a reaction. I am not american, so to me, a fag is a cigarette and a faggot a meat product that you eat with peas. Neither word bothers me at all, to be honest. However, there are other words that make me flinch, even if said affectionately.

If you had a homophobic background, then you should give yourself credit for changing. Cultural change is hard to achieve. That's one reason why I agree with you that starting a crusade against homophobia on the internet would be self-defeating.