A few that made me lol:

Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year old daughter from her room texts me, "Stop." FML

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a few months. Once she finished, she handed me the mirror and asked, "How does it feel to look human again?" FML

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML