Two rashers of bacon and a mushroom in a frying pan, sizzling away.
Suddenly, the mushrooms says,
"Fucking hell it's hot in here",
To which one rasher of bacon says to the other,
"Holy shit a talking mushroom".

What's blue and fucks old women?
Me in my blue coat.

Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.

What's the difference between an egg and a wank?
You can beat an egg.

I was walking through the woods today with <enter name of current missing child> and he/she said to me "I'm scared", to which I replied "You're scared? I've got to walk back on my own."

What's got eight legs and a black cunt?
The A-Team