July - Week 4

My plans changed at the last minute and I ended spending a week up North, but not before putting in a couple long sessions. Being someone secluded in the woods gives you plenty of time to meditate, which I did plenty of.

I realized, if I'm honest with myself, that my feelings about poker (as well as countless other things) is torn. Also, that if I haven't defined myself as a winning poker player yet it's due to a degree of self-sabotage. I believe fear of success plays a role, as most things I found "success" in before poker have left me disenchanted and heartbroken. As long as I keep passing the buck back and forth I don't have to commit to anything - i.e. I don't have to quit or make a long term commitment. I'm also somewhat enslaved by my ego in the sense that I still can't escape the thought that what I do defines me, and how well I do it gives me worth. And I can think of few things where that could be more self defeating and potentially destructive than poker.

And while I'm finding this honesty surfacing, I'll admit to thinking that poker aught to be easier than it is. This is partially due to the impression I've gotten from filtering several hours of instructional video, blog posts and commercially targeted success stories, etc., but also stems from the fact that I am generally lazy. I've kept from making the difficult observations about myself and especially about my skill and play. Despite having had great coaching, which should have accelerated my progress, I continue to err in fundamental ways for which there simply is little excuse at this point.

One thing I'm sure of, and this certainty may be the worse of my flaws, to quit right now would be the greatest fail. So I'm going to buckle down, bring myself back to the moment, get back to basics, move down in stakes (again), and have another go. But rather than give myself a deadline, as I'm often tempted to do, I'm going to trust in my ability to recognize when I've reached the point where enough is enough. And it's not now.. so I grind.