Your Wish is Granted

[PO$$E$$ED]

Granted. 100 billion silver dollars rains down upon your head all at once. You are killed instantly.

I wish xxianti would sleep with me.

[gabe]

GRANTED, you and xman hookup and the fling is posted on the internet where your little brother finds it while looking for gay porn. his life is ruined and he kills you for some reason.

I wish my werewolf 81 thread had more replies!

Granted, spammers attack the Werewolf 81 thread and you are responsible for bringing down FTR forever. Tyson Tanaka then kills you. Slowly.

I wish I could land this Boeing 737-800 in Flight Simulator 2004.

[Staresy]

granted! Although the landing is not the smoothest on record as you take out the Air Traffic control tower and then plough into the departure lounge killing everyone in there and everyone on board.

I wish I could be bothered to go to the shop to buy some rizla papers.

[geoffm33]

I wish I could land this Boeing 737-800 in Flight Simulator 2004.

Granted. But upon landing your name appears on the FBI watch list as a potential terrorist. The Feds break down your door and drag you away for questioning.

I wish this itchy rash would go away...

[shysti]

I wish I could land this Boeing 737-800 in Flight Simulator 2004.

Granted. But upon landing your name appears on the FBI watch list as a potential terrorist. The Feds break down your door and drag you away for questioning.

I wish this itchy rash would go away...

]

Granted but you OD on the penicilin and die.

I wish I could dance the electric blue

[Warpe]

Granted. You are now gay.

I wish I wasn't a Google junkie

[sandstorm]

Granted, you are now a heroin junkie, gg.

I wish my gig tomorrow was a big cool one and not a small shitty one

[Rabid Dog]

Granted, your gig is now on a large iceberg floating free in the coldest part of the world.

I wish I could think of a wish to make.

[Pelion]

Granted, but right after that you think of a better one and wish you had wished that instead. But its far too late bwaahahahahahahahahhaah.


I wish my room was already tidy when i got back to it. Its going to take ages.

[Greedo017]

granted. you arrive back at your room to find a sumo wrestler has cleaned everything but now he wants you to clean his buttfloss with your tongue.

I wish I wasn't scared of bees.

[sandstorm]

Granted. Since you become afraid of everything else instead, you are forced into a get-rid-of-all-your-fears-since-you-are-afraid-of-everything-program run by the FBI. They pick you up at your home in an armored bus along with some other chickens. Then they put you on a plane to fly you to a small island with a special FBI Secret Training Facility of Doom.
After a short time of flight, everyone remembers they are scared of flying. The panic that erupts is beyond words, so naturally the ruckus makes the plane go down in the middle of the ocean, or something. Since you also are a fucking luckbox, you manage to grab the string to one of those inflatable rafts, bang your head in a medium-sized metal object of some sort before you fall out ouf the plane, unconscious, and land right into the now inflatable raft. Everyone else lands in the ocean, afraid of water and swimming, and dies.
When you slowly open your eyes after a few hours, you are stranded on a small beach. You don't remember much about who you are, and you suddenly don't seem afraid about so much. Maybe you lost a part of your brain in the crash somewhere. Anyway, you remember something about a Training Facility of Doom, but since you don't see any, you start walking right into the jungle to look for stuff.
You don't discover the trap before it's way to late. The cage you are in is suspened a few feet above ground with no way to get out. After a few hours you start hearing strange sounds from the trees in your left direction. With fear you see a few very ugly monkeys come out of the woodworks, cutting the rope to the cage with humongous swords, open the cage, tying you up and carring you away. A thousand thought run through your head when they place you in a large hole(!) and then gets lifted up themselfes. What seems to be the strange-monkey-king reveals itself, mumbles something (well, he is a money, don't expect to understand), points to the other end of the large hole, where a very hungry tiger now awaits you. All the monkeys run away, and leaves you to your death.
Your life is really on a string now, so you use that string and climb up, and then run, run like hell until you come to the beach where you started. Of course, since you are a luckbox still, the monkeys left a small raft with a sail there. You jump on, and just when you leave land a handful of angry monkeys shoots arrows at you but they all miss.
Now you are on an unknown ocean, with no drinking water and no food. You sail trough gails, sandstorms, hail, volcano eruptions, blizzards and forest fires. Exhausted you float ashore (unconscious again) in Kansas, where the locals take care of you and finally get you home.
As you walk across the road in front of your house where your wife and children awaits you, you see a bee. You stop, thinking, "hey, I'm not afraid of these anymore!". The bee peacefully lands on your arm, and before you know it it stings you. Your arm as well as your head swells up and you die from the allergic reaction.

I wish I had better things to do than this.

[midas06]

lol

[DogOnMySide]

Quality. I especially liked the mid-ocean forest fires and sandstorms.

[Lukie]

rofl, that was fantastic.

[donkbee]

dear sandstorm:

you are my hero.

courtie

[dev]

Wish granted.
Not only you, but all the funny guys suddenly have better things to do. FTR dies a sad and lonely death where less funny people are talking about (GASP!) poker.

I wish my long ass posts had good punchlines.

[chardrian]

granted - courtiebee and sandstorm get married and decide to change their last names to beestorm.

Greed 0017 is not told of this even though he is the ring bearer at the wedding. When the minister announces to the crowd to please welcome Mr. and Mrs. Beestorm, Greed wigs out (since he is afraid of bees - see above post), and goes Columbine on everyone. The whole FTR community who attended this happy union is murdered.

I wish I could retire next year and play professional online poker.

[Warpe]

I wish I had better things to do than this.

Granted. You're hired as a Hollywood screenwriter for Disney's next family friendly adventure epic, but get fired 'because a weasely, back-stabbing, fact checking script reader points out to the producer that it's impossible to float ashore from a long ocean voyage in Kansas.

I wish I had half of sandstorm's imagination.

[Warpe]

I wish I could retire next year and play professional online poker.

Granted. Unfortunately, you bust out HU from the biggest winner-take-all online tournament ever because your creaky dial-up disconnects at a most unfortunate time, and are later found wild eyed and foaming at the mouth over the bloody, lifeless corpse of your formerly pretty wife.

See previous wish.

[Pelion]

I wish I had half of sandstorm's imagination.

Granted. Now your posts are slightly better, but sandstorms are only half as good.

I wish I was back with all my uni friends....but without any work to do.

[sandstorm]

dear sandstorm:

you are my hero.

courtie

I know. Sup beestorm?

Pelion: Granted, you can hang out with your unemployed, homless friends the rest of your short lives because you all catch some nasty desease related to forks, monkey gentials and potatoes.

I wish that noone grants this wish. Hah!

[a500lbgorilla]

I wish that my roommate would stop liking death metal.

[jdubs]

I wish that my roommate would stop liking death metal.

Granted. He decided that John Tesh is much better than that death metal he as been listening to, and now only plays John Tesh CDs, creates a shrine to Tesh on his side of the room, and constantly asks you what what he should put in his next letter to John Tesh.

I wish gas were cheaper.

[dev]

I wish that my roommate would stop liking death metal.

Granted. He decided that John Tesh is much better than that death metal he as been listening to, and now only plays John Tesh CDs, creates a shrine to Tesh on his side of the room, and constantly asks you what what he should put in his next letter to John Tesh.

I wish gas were cheaper.

granted, now all you have to do is look at the finger, no more pulling it!

I wish I was at that weak bar tourney right now.

[sandstorm]

Granted. You are at the bar, but since you also suck at poker you get pwned reeeeally bad by some noob with 95o UTG. You try to drown your sorrows in some cheap beer, and well, get wasted. After a couple of beers more, the cops bursts in, after a rumor abot some illegal poker game. They arrest all the players (including you, who are so drunk you think they are from the masquerade across the street and start doing the macarena, nude, on the bar disk). You are put in jail, sharing cell with a 2,10m tall, 150kg heavy gorilla-type nicknamed Barbara.

I wish this wish makes me really happy.

[midas06]

Granted: you're happy for about 2s then you get lynched

I wish variance never existed

[metaxy6]

i'm so gonna bump this thread a year after it goes cold.
that's pretty much all.

[sandstorm]

Granted, since variance doesn't exist, all the fish go broke and stop playing and poker dies a painful death.

I wish for a night with lots of alcohol.

[Staresy]

Granted! Although your over indulgence comes to the fore as you begin to display the tell-tale signs - slurred words, blurred vision, a tendancy to get louder and louder, ugly-as-sin women begin to look like supermodels, you suddenly think your aimless random flinging about of limbs is actually "dancing" - after which you descend into an inability to walk, talk and frequent doses of projectile vomiting, one of which ends up with you being arrested and during your time in the cells, you are brutally and mercilessly violated by "Butch", causing you to limp for a month.

I wish I hadn't had a night with lots of alcohol last night.

[lolzzz_321]

I wish I hadn't had a night with lots of alcohol last night.

Granted!Unfortunately you spent the night having sexual intercourse with various marsupials that inhabit the continent of Australia and Antarctica. In australia,Your lackluster effort produces sick, sad, baneful offspring that become known as Pokemon. In anatarctica, you cannot find a marsupial so u PIITB of a polar bear, she has a son named kordo the bear. You acquire a plethora of STDs and are permanently in a state of delirium. You turn into a post-reply button and everyone keeps on fondling you witht their mouse pointer or clicking you which hurst like a bitch. People just click you more, in frustration, becasue u r an FTR post reply button and u r fuckingslower at posting a reply than Helen Keller is at reading the waffle iron. I mean jesus christ, all the fuck u do is post replies, what is so hard? You are demoted to the 'List=' button becasue no one uses that pos because no oneknows what it does. Not only are u a fucking button u r the shittiest button ever. You do us all a favore and commit suicide. We don't even replace you becasue u r a filthy inbred button and you have tainted that code somehow (Eric doesn't even know). You go to hell becasue you sucked so much at life and ur job was so simple (re:subway employees). In hell you meet all the banned members of FTR, Doggz, Journey, and loanhorse and find out they're not so bad, except Doggz that mf. Unfortuantely, some Korean gamer steals ur soul and puts u into the body of a zurgling. Zurglings are the most pathetic creatures ever invented by Lee Jones. The Korean guy hates u so much he just makes you and gives up. You are fucking anhilated, ravaged, anddecimated by an entire protoss army, then he says KEKEKEKEKEKEKEEKEKEKE. You go to hell again, somehow you end up being a bot on the penny omaha tables at stars. You are busted and u go to hell again, this tiem u are put in a high securtiy area where u must suffer thru an eternity of listening to bigboy5440 talk about howgreat he is. You turn into his bitch, and you forge his autograph on the autographed hand histories he sells at his homepage, www,meatspin.com. You autograph one for Helen Keller, but you are so fucking stupid you don' t evenautograph it in braille. The Miracle Worker lives up to her name and miracolously gets you out of hell, and into Arkansas. Bigboy5440 was Helen Keller's (and everyone's) favortie person and she thinks he did not autograph the hand history she sent him. SHe cuts herself to death with a rusty spoon, and The Miracle Worker takes a sand wedge and hits you in the taint and you end up flying to the jungles of Grenada to wash invisible cars the rest of your pathetic existence.

I wish JAck in the Box delivered.

[AHiltz]

I wish JAck in the Box delivered.

Granted. He delivered all right, but not the kind of delviery you wanted. When you bent over in front of him Jack delivered all too well taking your man virginity forever.

I want a car that isn't a volkswagen (the rusty piece of shit it is)

[dev]

Granted: you get a kia

I wish I could play lagg profitably in 25NL.

Granted: You make thousands of dollars, but then Dikshit randomly confiscates your funds because he's a pimp.

I wish I had a faster computer.

[a500lbgorilla]

Granted. Your computer is so fast, you never manage to catch it.

I wish gabe wouldn't hang up on me when I call him.

[Lukie]

Granted. Instead of hanging up on you, he simply transfers your call over to me. Unforunately for you, I never hang up the phone. I talk until your ear falls off, literally. You are now a half-deaf, blind (don't ask), stupid gorilla. All the female gorillas hate you for eternity.

I wish I could come up with something that was actually funny for this game.

[gabe]

lol rilla called me and i said 'who is this' then he said 'who the fuck is this' and i hung up

[pantherhound]

Granted. Instead of hanging up on you, he simply transfers your call over to me. Unforunately for you, I never hang up the phone. I talk until your ear falls off, literally. You are now a half-deaf, blind (don't ask), stupid gorilla. All the female gorillas hate you for eternity.

I wish I could come up with something that was actually funny for this game.

Granted. You jerk off and 'come up' with nitrous oxide laced man mayonnaise, which squirts like a fountain into your cake hole. You die laughing.

I wish to be the first King of Antarctica.

[PO$$E$$ED]

Granted. As soon as you are reigned king, Antartica sinks into the ocean, taking you down with it.
I wish I was a black belt in Brazilian jujitsu.

[Lukie]

Granted. In the UFC finals, you are brutally killed by someone who was just simply better then you. Taekwondo FOR THE WIN!!!!

I wish I could crush the 10/20NL game on stars while 8-tabling.

[Rabid Dog]

Granted, now its time to move off the play money tables and start your real money adventure at the 0.01/0.02 tables.

I wish I could play golf like Tiger Woods.

[pantherhound]

Granted, but unfortunately your 'clubs' consist of a collection of variously sized novelty anvils. Your would be 'perfect swing' is nullified by unfavorable air pressure, muscle tears, and divots.

I wish people wouldn't lose interest in this thread as it is a great thread which has potential to exist forever.

[gabe]

Granted, but the only bad thing that comes from this wish is that i dont post a corresponding bad fate. This is because everyone loves the idea of keeping it going.

I wish my monitor was shaped like a circle.

[Lukie]

Granted. Now your monitor lasts forever (hahahhah get it??????????).

I wish this goddamn piece of tilapia I just took off my foreman grill would frikkin cool down so I could eat it.

[Staresy]

Granted! however, the only way it can cool down is by causing a new ice age and you are frozen where you stand with your tilapia in your hand, about an inch from your mouth and the drool frozen to your lip!

I wish I knew what tilapia is!

[geoffm33]

Granted. Now your monitor lasts forever (hahahhah get it??????????).

I wish this goddamn piece of tilapia I just took off my foreman grill would frikkin cool down so I could eat it.

Granted! Your Tilapia is now cool enough to eat, and it's delicious. But, unfortunately, the Foreman Grill has so much caked on Fish/Beef/Chicken/Dog meat on it that you need to clean it. The non-stick surface is pretty much useless and you decide to wash it in the sink. Well, you start to wash it when you realize that it is still plugged in! By that point i's too late and you have been shocked to death. You are now dead.

I wish I could play poker consistently for more than minimum wage/hr!

[Pelion]

I wish I could play poker consistently for more than minimum wage/hr!

Granted. Unfortunatly you are so good that the money is too heavy for you to carry home and you are far to stubborn too take a little at a time. You live out the rest of your life as a hobo living under your pile of coins and are unable to carry them all to the supermarket to buy food so you have to resort to begging.

Granted! however, the only way it can cool down is by causing a new ice age and you are frozen where you stand with your tilapia in your hand, about an inch from your mouth and the drool frozen to your lip!

I wish I knew what tilapia is!

Granted. . . But unfortunalty you first have to decipher my ingenious code

Aanaya aoafa avaaaraiaoauasa acaiacahalaiada afaiasahaeasa aoafa atahaea agaeanauasa aTaialaaapaiaaa,a anaaataiavaea ataoa aAafaraiacaaa abauata aianataraoaadauacaeada aealasaeawahaearaea aaasa aaa avaaalauaaabalaea afaoaoada afaiasah.

Hint: Its really very hard. Dont bother trying anything easy.


I wish I wasnt hungry so I didnt have to spend ages cooking.

[dev]

I don't like fish food...

Granted! You're hungry reflex is gone, you don't eat, and you starve to death.

I wish there were more good replys and revelations in the hh forum.

[sandstorm]

Granted, unfortunatley ripjohngotti got banned shortly after.

I wish I knew why I forgot about this thread.

[Rabid Dog]

Granted. Because you been spending all your time in the HH forum evaluating ripjohngotti's HH's.

I wish I knew why I forgot to post a wish and had to come back and edit this so I could.

[sandstorm]

Granted. You have no imagination, no dreams and no future.

I wish Bill Frist didn't scare all the fish away

[pgil]

granted, the bill is struck down by the supreme court and the fish return. except they own you so bad that you go broke and become a crazy religious zealot who makes it his life's mission to outlaw online poker.

now all you do is preach about the evils of poker, then go home to your small apartment and attempt to masturbate to "Rounders" until you fall asleep after failing to gain an erection.

I wish monkeys could talk

[Greedo017]

Granted. bill frist is making a speech later today.

i wish my girlfriend and I were living together.

[thenonsequitur]

Granted. Now you have to live with your girlfriend...

I wish I had three more wishes.

[bearcats05]

Granted. Now you have to live with your girlfriend...

I wish I had three more wishes.

granted. but wait bill frist attaches a bill that says you cant have anymore wishes to a bill that was orginally for port security for bill frist's asshole for when he goes to jail.

i wish bush would veto this shit.

[Greedo017]

granted. but now our ports are not secure!


i wish i had something good to eat for dinner tonight instead of some microwave crap

[Renton]

granted, you instead will have oven baked feces for dinner tonight.

I wish I could win money at poker, like old times.

[pantherhound]

Granted. You play a 16th century themed poker tournament in which you win 3 groats, which in old times tournaments are inexchangeable for dolluhs.

I wish I was a lizard

[bearcats05]

granted. you are bill frist.

i wish i was a senator... i would find some random bill and attach a law to it that would prohibit girls from wearing tops in the united states. (with exceptions ofcourse to girls who we dont want going topless)

[animal_chin]

granted. you are bill frist.

i wish i was a senator... i would find some random bill and attach a law to it that would prohibit girls from wearing tops in the united states. (with exceptions ofcourse to girls who we dont want going topless)

Granted, but now every straight male, when out in public, has an erection lasing more then 4 hours. So many doctors visits are made that insurence companies loose all there money. The only way out for them is to burn down their buildings to collect the insurence money, which crashes the economy and leads to nuclear war. During which the radiation burns up all the chicks boobs that don't ware any tops, thus leading to the girls that we don't want going topless having nicest boobs.

I wish I invented a perpetual motion machine.

[Renton]

Granted, but since perpetual motion machines don't exist now, your product apparently never took off.

I wish that Jesus Christ would return to Earth so he can send all of the Christians to Hell.

[Sykedupp]

Granted. All the christians die and you're to blame. A celebration is held later that day for your efforts.

I wish bigred would stop thinking I'm gay

[Greedo017]

granted. but he has some of your sweet man ass anyway.


I wish i was a buffalo

[sandstorm]

Granted. You are a buffalo.

Now, I wish I knew how to cook this buffalo

[ChrisTheFish]

Granted. You pick up a cookbook, start cooking but catch fire to your arm and burn to death.

I wish all my lectures wern't first thing in a morning.

[LeFou]

Granted. They are now first thing in a different morning.

I wish Bill Frist would come over.

[LeFou]

Granted. All your lectures are now the first thing in another morning.

I wish Bill Frist would come over.

[bode]

granted. Bill Frist comes over, but actually convinces you that online gambling has ruined your life, and that you, in fact, have lost your house.

I wish i could find some dope.

[pgil]

granted. His name is Jimbo and he never leaves your side for 3 years, always saying the dumbest things, so you eventually shoot him just to have some peace and quiet.

I wish I were ten feet tall and worshipped like a god.

[ChrisTheFish]

Granted. You find some lying in a ditch in a field, unfortunatly it belongs to the local dealer who spots you stealing his stash and puts a bullet in your head.

I wish i could shuffle more than 24 chips at once.

[dsmrolla06]

granted, but you have no money to ever purchase chips to put it good use.


i wish i had more mcdonalds monopoly game pieces so i could keep playing the online game and win all the money.

[LeFou]

Granted. Your house is filled with mcdonald's game pieces and you are 99.3% to win the whole enchilada. But Bill Frist bans online mcdonald's monopoly as part of the new Airport Security regulations.

I wish Drew Barrymore would come over.

[Warpe]

Granted, but you're playing Red Rover.

I wish global warming would hurry up and warm already.

[Rabid Dog]

Granted, from now on for you the first thing in the morning everyday is a Proctal exam followed by continuous lectures the rest of the day.

I wish I would win a huge lottery and be wise enough to control my money where I didnt waist it but lived the rest of my life never needing anything ever again, not even another wish.

edit: well I guess I was late getting this one in. Maybe I should have wished to go back in time.

[pantherhound]

Granted, from now on for you the first thing in the morning everyday is a Proctal exam followed by continuous lectures the rest of the day.

I wish I would win a huge lottery and be wise enough to control my money where I didnt waist it but lived the rest of my life never needing anything ever again, not even another wish.

.

Granted. You win the lottery, put the money in the bank and live for the rest of your life standing in a pitch black cell underground with no windows, exits, food or entertainment.

I wish for a fish on a dish delivered by Stratus Trish