need a joke,take one. got a joke,leave one. (NSFW)

[bigred]

Three blondes wash up on an island. Before them appear a genie who will grant them each 1 wish.

The first blonde says "I wish to be smarter." So the genie turns her into a brunette and she swims off the island.

The second blonde says "I wish to be smarter than her," meaning the first blonde (now brunette). So the genie turns the second one into a red-head, she builds a boat and rows off the island.

The last blonde says "I wish I were smarter than both of them put together!" The genie thinks for a while and then turns the last blonde into a man and he walks across the bridge.


...who cares if this joke is old! There is still truth to it!!!

Nice

[triumphant cracker]

A little white boy was watching his mother in the kitchen making a chocolate cake from scratch. While the mother had her head turned, the little white boy went to the table, dipped both hands in the chocolate frosting and covered his face with it.

The mother turned around to see what the boy was doing and said, “Boy, what the hell are you doing?”

The son gleefully replied, “Look Mama! I’m black!!!”

The mother became enraged and slapped the crap out of her son. She then said “Boy, go show your father what you’ve done!”

The boy then walked into the den where his father was reading and said, “Look Daddy! I’m black!!!”

The father put his magazine down and had a very puzzled look on his face from seeing the chocolate on the boy’s face. The father said, “Come here, boy!” The boy came to him and the father smacked his son across his head. The father angrily said, “Now go show your grandpa what you’ve done!!!”

The boy then slowly walked to his grandpa who was on the porch and said, “Um….Grandpa. Look what I did. I’m black now.” The grandfather said gruffly “COME HERE, BOY!”

The grandfather took the boy over his knee and proceeded to spank him. “That’ll teach you! Now go back in the kitchen with your mama!!”

The boy walks back in the kitchen and the mother said, “I hope you’ve learned your lesson, young man!”

The boy says with a scowl on his face, “Hell yeah! I’ve been black for 5 minutes and I hate you white people already!”

[triumphant cracker]

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:

Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Herman's Hermits ---Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker .
Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From My Depends.
The Bee Gees -- - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores ---Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba --- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And Last but NOT least
Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again

[Monsieur_chat]

A bloke pops into his local for a quick drink after work. At the bar there's a smelly old tramp in a stained overcoat.

"'Ere, buy us a drink will you?" Says the tramp? Absolutely not says the bloke. He takes his pint and sits down.

Twenty minutes later he's finished his pint and decides he's got time for another. The old tramp is still there. "Go on guv', buy us a drink". "No I'm not buying you a drink, leave me alone". Once again he takes his drink from the bar and sits down.

This happens twice more, as the guy continues drinking. He's had a few by now as he approaches the bar.

"Alright, how about this" says the tramp. "I've got a ferret here. This ferret gives the best blowjob in the world. Seriously you will not believe what this animal is capable of, it's incredible. Spectacular! I'll give you a free trial, if you like it, you can keep the ferret, you just have to buy me a drink."

By now the guy's a bit tipsy. He thinks for a moment, before saying "yeah alright then". He takes the ferret off the tramp and drunkenly staggers into the toilet. And it's incredible. The most amazing, toe curling, phenomenal orgasmic experience of his life. He can't believe it!

He rushes out of the loo and gives the tramp £50. "That's amazing, thank you so much mate, you've made my day. I'd have a drink with you, but I've got to get home, I'm late now."

He dashes out of the loo and runs home. Unfortunately with all the drinking and animal blowjobs he's late home and his wife is standing in the doorway waiting for him.

"Where the hell have you been?!" she cries. "You're two hours late, what are you playing at?!"

"Look!" replies the man, holding up his new rodent. "I've got a ferret!"

"A ferret!?" she screams. "What am I going to do with a ferret?!"

"Teach it to cook and fuck off!"

[triumphant cracker]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and
order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings
the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid
of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two
beady little eyes looking around before the lid
slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her
husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He
reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees
two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains
what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking
Duck

[triumphant cracker]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles

have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension




2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much




4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!





'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.