My Joke - If you read you must reply w/ a better one

[Thunder]

I phoned the gym to ask if they could teach me to do the splits.

The trainer asked, "how flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

[triumphant cracker]

THE WEDDING TEST



I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

younger sister..



My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.



One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.



Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.



She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'



I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!



With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:












always keep your condoms in the car.

[WillburForce]

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
>
> The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, opens it up and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
>
> The Angel said, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.' Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect
> creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in!

> Would you care to explain that to me?'

> 'Sorry, Dolly' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a
> good pair.'

[BankItDrew]

What's the difference between plastic and a dead baby?




Plastic takes a long time to decompose.

I made that one up.

[triumphant cracker]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?'

'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded, 'Pepper.'

[triumphant cracker]

A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The country is totally
ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France ) is sending food and money.

The United States , not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to
replace the dead ones.

God Bless America !!!!

[triumphant cracker]

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her
more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and
Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.' About a
week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came
to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be
sure. So he sat down and wrote:
__________________________________________________ _________
Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm
not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
__________________________________________________ _________

Several days later, Brian received an e-mail back from his mother that
read:
_________________________________ __________________________

Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not
saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that
if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy
ladle by now. Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

[will641]

women's rights.

[triumphant cracker]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and
said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with
another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and
rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as
putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50
in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his
prayer s, and then walked over to the poor box. He
paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to
him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in
the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on
the box, and according to you, that's the same as
putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to
Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she
said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be
forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made
mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink
the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my
sins?'


The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile
off of your face.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with
only a pet dog for company. One day the dog
died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and

asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be

\saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot
have services for an animal in the church. But there
are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no
tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya
think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the
service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of
Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The
following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old,

have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I
picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to
a motel, where I had sex with each of them three
times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

[triumphant cracker]

A man is in bed with his new girlfriend. After
having great sex, she spends the next hour just
stroking his manliness. This was something that
he was never used to before. Rather enjoying it,
he turned and asked her 'Why do you love doing
that?' She replies 'Because I really miss mine'

[Thunder]

What did you think of Wayne Rooney's hair cut?

Apparently there was a misundanding - Colleen was offered £100,000 to shave her twat.

[triumphant cracker]

Will I live to see 85? I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing ' fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, barbecued ribs or sausage?' I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is veryUnhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating,Hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, ride a Harley, or have aLot of sex?' 'No,' I said. He looked at me and said,

'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

[Thunder]

A rich but very elderly man marries a young woman. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.
The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion:

"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."

They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.

Perplexed, they go back to the therapist "Okay" he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, orgasm.

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him triumphantly... "now THAT'S how you wave a fucking towel, son!!

[tom]

why did the cookie go to the doctor?
because it was feeling crummy!

[Da GOAT]

A pedofile (sp?) and a child were walking through a forest late at night.

Child says, ''Im scared''

Pedo says, ''YOUR SCARED, think how ill feel when Ive to walk back on my own!!!!''

[triumphant cracker]

Why are married women heavier than single women ?. . .

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[triumphant cracker]

A young guy from Mississippi moves to New York and goes to a big 'everything under one roof ' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?' The kid says 'Yes sir, I was a salesman back in Mississippi.'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.? After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'
The kid says 'one'.
The boss says 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says '$121,237.65'.
The boss says '$121,237.65?? How's that possible? We don't have anything that cost that much!!!!'
The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.'
The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said 'No sir, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

[Thunder]

Q: What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?


A: Einstein's cock.

[triumphant cracker]

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City & County Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightend as I am.

[triumphant cracker]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'



He said, 'I found the remote'.

[triumphant cracker]

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing on coming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.
It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'
'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly. 'Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.

'Helllooooooo!! !!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers!'

[mrhappy333]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[nibbles]

One Saturday night a gay man is out on the town looking for some action. Night club after night club he can't hook up. On his way home he takes a shortcut through the park where he sees a bum passed out on the park bench. Nobody is around, so he has sex with the bum and leaves him $10 for his trouble. The bum wakes up the next day, sees the $10, and goes to the liquor store to buy a bottle of cheap wine.

The next Saturday the same gay guy goes out on the town, doesn't hook up, and sees the same bum passed out on the park bench. Again he has sex with the bum and leaves him $10 for his trouble. The bum wakes up the next day, sees the $10, and goes to the liquor store to buy a bottle of cheap wine.

The next Saturday, the same gay guy goes out, but this time he brings his gay cousin. They both fail to hook up, and on the way home they see the same bum passed out on the park bench. They both have sex with the bum and this time they leave him $20 for his trouble. The bum wakes up the next day, sees the $20 and heads to the liquor store for a bottle of cheap wine.

As the bum walks into the liquor store, the clerk says "Lemme guess, another bottle of cheap wine". The bum says "Gimme some of that expensive stuff, that cheap shit is tearing my ass up".

[nibbles]

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?





































You can unscrew a light bulb! Bwahaha!

[Lukie]

so a blonde walks into the library and goes up to the librarian. loudly and flamboyantly she says, "HI, I'D LIKE A MILKSHAKE, A BURGER, AND SOME FRIES."

the librarian, shocked, replies, "excuse me miss, this is a library."

at this point the blonde is embarrassed and can't believe herself. so she tucks her tail between her legs and quietly whispers, "sorry... can I have a milkshake, a burger, and some fries?"

[xpaand]

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."
The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.
Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch."

[sil693]

what is the difference between sand and menstrual blood??

i cant gargle sand.

[Numbr2intheWorld]

women's rights.

yes

[bigred]

what is the difference between sand and menstrual blood??

i cant gargle sand.

You could try...quitter

[GatorJH]

not sure if I have posted this one yet, but wgaf if I have it is still funny.

The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, the other is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our partners by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you' and we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice and heels under a raincoat and the mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I shared my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
'What's for dinner, Batman?"

[bigred]

what is the difference between sand and menstrual blood??

i cant gargle sand.

You could try...quitter

Ever read your old posts and be reminded of how awesome you are?

[BennyLaRue]

Gator wears bras. I knew it.

[GatorJH]

Gator wears bras. I knew it.

joke was told from my avatar's perspective ldo

[Warpe]

Two whales go up to the bartender.
The bartender asks them what they want.
The first whale says, "WOOOOOOO. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."
The second whale says, "Shut up, Frank, you're drunk."

[kiwiMark]

There are two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Instant Rimshot

[boost]

walk up to a girl and say "if a guy walks up to you and asks you a question thats obviously a sexual double entandre, would you feel hes nuts?"

[wufwugy]

^ that's not a joke, that's brilliance

[kiwiMark]

There are two toothpicks walking along. They get overtaken by a hedgehog, and one says to the other, "See? I fucking told you we could have caught the bus."

[boost]

^ that's not a joke, that's brilliance

ty, came up with it all by my lonesome.

[dranger7070]

God

.

[Warpe]

There are two toothpicks walking along. They get overtaken by a hedgehog, and one says to the other, "See? I fucking told you we could have caught the bus."

Americans: Substitute 'porcupine' for "hedgehog'. Get it now?

[bigred]

Ever read your old posts and be reminded of how awesome you are?

Yep!

[triumphant cracker]

TOWEL HEADS

recently i received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please note the following....

we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words. i have been informed that the islamic terrorists who hate our guts do not like the word "towelheads" ..since the item they wear on their heads is a little folded sheet and not a towel, therefore from this point forward please refer to them as "little sheet heads".
.
thank you for understanding the delicate nature of this dilemma.

[Warpe]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'




Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'




Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumb founded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'




An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest...

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'




Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'




Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[swiggidy]

Old, but I just heard it recently...


What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and vagina?


Only one retarded thing has come out of her vagina.

[Warpe]

My girfriend got a tattoo of a seashell on the inside of her thigh.

When you put it to your ear, you can smell the ocean.

[Warpe]

A guy at a restaurant calls his waiter over.
"Try my soup."
The waiter is confused.
"Is your soup too hot?"
"Try my soup."
"Is your soup too cold?"
"Try my soup."
"Is there a fly in your soup?"
"Just try my soup!"
The waiter, tired of the guessing game, gives in.
"Okay fine, I'll try your soup. Where's the spoon?"
"Aha!"

[BooG690]

A guy at a restaurant calls his waiter over.
"Try my soup."
The waiter is confused.
"Is your soup too hot?"
"Try my soup."
"Is your soup too cold?"
"Try my soup."
"Is there a fly in your soup?"
"Just try my soup!"
The waiter, tired of the guessing game, gives in.
"Okay fine, I'll try your soup. Where's the spoon?"
"Aha!"

YouTube - Coming To America - End Credits - Taste the soup

[Luco]

I've just come back from a once in a lifetime holiday - I tell you what, never again

[kiwiMark]

I've just come back from a once in a lifetime holiday - I tell you what, never again

bahahaaha...the kitty is doing rolls!

[kevster]

Rick Astley asked if he could borrow my Pixar films. I said OK, you can have Toy Story, Cars & Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up.

[dranger7070]

God

.

Thread went downhill after this imo.

[Sup3rM4N]

A smart girl, a dumb girl, the easter bunny, and santa clause are playing a card game....who wins the game?

The dumb girl because the rest clearly do not exist!

[Ash256]

not youtube whore thread i know, but f u

YouTube - Frankie Boyle - Gay People Joke.

[Keith]

A smart girl, a dumb girl, the easter bunny, and santa clause are playing a card game....who wins the game?

The dumb girl because the rest clearly do not exist!

disagree - she's still playing as she's waiting for the other three to take their turns.

[BankItDrew]

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.







The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”








The second woman responded, “Oh, that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”








“Whoa,” replied the first woman. “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”

[WillburForce]

I went to a Greek place. Food was average, the plates were smashing.

[bikes]

Whats the difference between peanut butter and jam?

I can't peanut butter my dick up yer ass

[dranger7070]

*chuckles*

You always liked to try though.

[philly and the phanatics]

whats the best way to get 100 dead babies into a bucket?

a blender.

whats the best way to get them out?

nachos.

[fulksy]

whats the difference between 100 dead babies and a corvette?


i don't have a corvette in my garage.

[triumphant cracker]

"An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry,there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait another couple of weeks. Penis fall off by itself!"

[triumphant cracker]

A guy was having sex with a girl, and decided he was going to try his luck, flip her over and do her doggy style. The girl didn't complain, and just went along with it. The guy got a little more daring and decided to stick his finger in her ass. She still didn't say anything, and seemed to be enjoying it. The guy decided to go all the way and proceeded to slip his dick in her asshole.

The girl suddenly froze, looked back at him over her shoulder, and said "Don't you think it's a little presumptuous for you to think it's okay to fuck me in the ass?"

"Presumptuous is a very big word for a five year old" he replied.

[triumphant cracker]

Why is the Afghan air force so easy to train?
You only have to teach them how to take off!

Why aren't there any Wal*Marts in Afghanistan?
Because there's a Target on every corner!

What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Afghanistan?
A map!

Failed Afghan recruitment slogans:
Be Allah you can be!
Martyrs have more fun!
Free camoflage turbans! Sign up today!
Uncle oSAMa wants you!

What do you call a guy with his hand up a camels ass?
An Afghani mechanic!

Whats one arab on the moon?
problem
10 arabs on the moon?
problem
100 arabs on the moon?
large problem
1000 arabs on the moon?
big big problem
1000000 arabs on the moon?
massive problem
all the arabs on the moon?
Problem solved!

[WillburForce]

Came home one night and my girlfriend was lying on the sofa naked. I walked in and asked if she was okay. With no reply I looked at her and on one side of her nude body was tiny crops of wheat, maize and oats. On the other side were tiny chickens, sheep and cows. Im really scared. I think she may be starting self farming..

[WillburForce]

I was working late at the carphone warehouse last nite when I received this txt from my daughter;

“”dadthespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonepleasegi vemeanalternative.”

And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn’t help but wonder….. what the hell does “ternative” mean?

[Hawk]

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

[bigred]

Heard this on Daniel Tosh's standup:

Anal sex is a lot like spinach...you hate it as an adult if you were forced to have it as a kid

[triumphant cracker]

A tractor salesman, really down on his luck, stopped into a bar on his way back to his motel and sat down beside a very distraught looking fellow.

He started singing the blues about how bad his life was; he told the fellow drinker that he hadn't sold a tractor in six months,
his wife was threatening to leave him, and if he didn't sell a tractor that week his company would fire him.

His bar mate said, "Mister, you think you have problems, let me tell you mine.
I am a dairy farmer.
This morning I was milking my cows and was to the last one when all my troubles began.
I set my stool beside her and my bucket under her and started to milk her.
The first thing she did was to stick her right foot into the bucket,
so I found a piece of rope and tied her right foot to the wall behind her.
The next thing she did was to stick her left foot into the bucket,
so I found another piece of rope and tied her left foot to the wall behind her.
Then she started swatting me with her tail.
I found another piece of rope and was in the process of tying her tail to the ceiling when she shit all over me.

Since she was the last one to milk, I couldn't see going back to the house to change clothes, so I took my clothes off and hung them on a peg behind me.

Then I climbed up on my stool and proceeded to tie her tail to the ceiling. And that is when my wife walked in.

Mister, if you can convince that woman I was only trying to milk that cow, I'll buy three of your tractors right now!"

[triumphant cracker]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by

St Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter says: "Ladies, you all led

such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back

to Earth and be anyone you want".

The first nun says: "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.

The second says: "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.

The third says: "I want to be Sara Pipalini".

St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.

St Peter shakes his head and says:

"I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to

St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to

her and says:

"No Sister, this says: 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men'!"

[triumphant cracker]

One day, 3 men wanted to join a certain cult so they approached the high
priest of that cult. The high priest told the three men to do a bad thing
each. The three men went home.


The next day, they returned. The high priest asked the first man what bad
thing he had done. The man said, "I killed a man." The high priest said,

"Very good. Now go drink the unholy water and become one of us."


The priest asked the second man the same question. The second man
replied, "I robbed this woman, raped her and then I killed her." The high
priest was very impressed. "Go drink the unholy water and join your new
brothers."


When the priest asked the third man the same question. The man replied,

"I pissed in the unholy water.

[triumphant cracker]

The service was about to start. Everyone was in their pews chatting about their families, jobs, etc.
when suddenly Satan appeared in the front of the church.

Panic ensued. In their rush to get out the back doors, people jumped over pews, trampled one another, and flew through the doors at record speeds.

When the dust settled the only ones in the auditorium are Satan and one older gentleman, who did not seem at all concerned that Satan was standing
directly in front of him.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

To which the older gentleman replied, "Yup. Sure do."

Satan: "Aren't you afraid of me?"

older gentleman: "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan was quite perturbed at this so he got right in the man's face and asked, "And would you mind telling me why not?"

The older gentleman replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[Hawk]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and asked, "May I see your driver's license?"

The driver answered, "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."

The officer asked, "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"

The driver answered,"It's not my car. I stole it."

The officer asked, "The car is stolen?"

The driver answered, "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."

The officer asked, "There's a gun in the glove box?"

The driver answered, "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer asked, "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"

The driver answered, "Yes, sir."

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by! police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

The Captain asked, "Sir, can I see your license?" The driver answered, "Sure. Here it is." It was valid.

The Captain asked, "Who's car is this?"

The driver answered, "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card." The driver owned the car.

The Captain asked, "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?"

The driver answered, "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it." Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

The Captain asked, "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."

The driver answered, "No problem." Trunk is opened; no body.

The Captain said, "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."

The driver answered, "Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!"

[Vinland]

In 1873 the greeks invented the condom by using the lower portion of a sheeps intestine.

Years later the British improved on it by removing the lower intestine from the animal first...

[Warpe]

So a door-to-door salesman rings the front doorbell. The door is answered by a 10 year old boy wearing a robe, holding a lit cigar in one hand, a brandy snifter in the other, and a rolled up Playboy under his arm.
The salesman asks "Hello there son, are your parents home?"
"Does it fucking look like it?"