Best One Liners

[givememyleg]

Let's have 'em. Going to a comedy club on Friday and will be required to give a few one liners on stage... I don't want to look stupid, so make me funny, FTR.

[Galapogos]

If someone catches you off guard with a good one liner themselves after you've said something say, "If I wanted a comeback from you I would have scraped it off your chin."

[wufwugy]

pull a kramer imo

[jyms]

Best one liner in history

YouTube - The Office: Thats what she said

[BennyLaRue]

Is this in the UP? I'm just trying to get a sense as to whether Ted Nugent jokes will get laughs or get you dead.

[bikes]

What's the deal with airplane food?
and who do I talk to about the long lines at the ATM?

[daven]

I'm sure you are an honest person, especially for such low sums of money.

from here
http://www.flopturnriver.com/pokerfo...29-185706.html

[kiwiMark]

Two goldfish are in a tank and one says to the other, "Hey do you know how to drive this thing?"

DOESN'T GET MUCH BETTER THAN THAT.

[rpm]

^^ lololololololol

[givememyleg]

Two goldfish are in a tank and one says to the other, "Hey do you know how to drive this thing?"

DOESN'T GET MUCH BETTER THAN THAT.

there's my act!

no really, i'm doomed.

[triumphant cracker]

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... men will screw anything

[triumphant cracker]

What does Kenny G say when he walks into an elevator?
"This place rocks!"






Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes your blood type

[bigred]

Dead baby jokes imo

[Luco]

Black Beauty - now there's a dark horse

Albino folks - you can't say fairer than that

There's a really good book on the history of glue - I couldn't put it down

[Halv]

Two goldfish are in a tank and one says to the other, "Hey do you know how to drive this thing?"

DOESN'T GET MUCH BETTER THAN THAT.

Bwahahahahahahahah.

Why o why doesn't this awesomeness translate well into norwegian .

[kingnat]

Recite the following joke:

"Ok, two penguins are in a bathtub. A REEEDDD bathtub. And one says to the other, "Will you please pass the soap, the DIIAALL soap." And the other one says, "What do you think I look like, an accordion?".

Then chortle to yourself... When next to no one laughs... say "Oh, that din't go quite right. let me give it another go." Then recite the joke again with extra emphasis on the words RED and DIAL. Keep thinking of excuses to tell the joke again... see how many times you can tell it before you get booed off the stage.

[bigred]

Recite the following joke:

"Ok, two penguins are in a bathtub. A REEEDDD bathtub. And one says to the other, "Will you please pass the soap, the DIIAALL soap." And the other one says, "What do you think I look like, an accordion?".

Then chortle to yourself... When next to no one laughs... say "Oh, that din't go quite right. let me give it another go." Then recite the joke again with extra emphasis on the words RED and DIAL. Keep thinking of excuses to tell the joke again... see how many times you can tell it before you get booed off the stage.

LOL

[bigspenda73]

you should youtube Norm McDonald's stuff

or Mitch Hedberg

[bigspenda73]

honestly I'd go up there and blatantly rip off Hedberg b/c our generation doesn't know jack shit about comedy anyways and they probably all think Dane Cook is hilarious.

[BennyLaRue]

honestly I'd go up there and blatantly rip off Hedberg b/c our generation doesn't know jack shit about comedy anyways and they probably all think Dane Cook is hilarious.

Yeah, you can't really rip off a dead guy anyway. Call it a tribute.

[oskar]

Hedberg ftw!

Also Jimmy Carr, and there's a shitton in George Carlin's books that aren't on tape anywhere that you can steal.

[rong]

My wife said for a bit of a fun game we should both pick one person in the world who we are allowed to sleep with without the other getting upset.

She chose George Clooney.

I chose the babysitter and I won and now she can't handle it!

[BankItDrew]

Why do drive-thru atm's have braille?

or

My dad has a few inventions in mind that he thinks are going to do very well. Including:
- inflatable dart boards. For camping obviously.
- solar powered flashlights. in case you don't have batteries obviously
- telephones for deaf people that flash lights instead of ring

[BennyLaRue]

Some of you guise stretch the definition of "one line" worse than Lindsay Lohan on a bender in Bogota.

[Hawk]

I'm going to start being more assertive, if that's OK with all of you.

[boost]

What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?

BAH-NAH-NAH-NAHHHHH

[boost]

Blueberry Muffin says to Cinnamon Sugar Muffin, "Boy, it sure is hot in this oven eh?"

Cinnamon Sugar replies, "HOLY SHIT, A TALKING MUFFIN!"

[Sasquach991]

You could steal some of Steven Wright's stuff.

I lost a button hole today.

I bought some batteries but they weren't included so I had to buy them again.

Got food poisening today but I don't know when I'm going to use it.

[d0zer]

"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this."

[rong]

You could steal some of Steven Wright's stuff.

Got food poisening today but I don't know when I'm going to use it.

lol that's brilliant

[surviva316]

What does Kenny G say when he walks into an elevator?
"This place rocks!"

lmao

[rong]

TOP 100 funniest one-liners, quotes and jokes on the internet! Part 1

some of these are great

[rong]

My favourite from the above site:

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[wufwugy]

Copy CK's opening lines

Louis CK standup clip at “Cinema Classics in NYC...

[bigred]

Some great one liners from anthony jeselnik

YouTube - Anthony Jeselnik on Jim norton down and dirty on HBO

[bigred]

Use these two from the above:

"I used to mow the lawn at a battered women's shelter...if you know what I mean"

"Who do you think was smarter... Jesus or Buddha, I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified"

[bigred]

More good stuff:

YouTube - Anthony Jeselnik performs at the "I'm with Coco" Benefit for Haiti

"My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person...so I can get a better girlfriend"

[Galapogos]

"Who do you think was smarter... Jesus or Buddha, I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified"

lol

[boost]

Jesus vs Buddha wins the thread.

[Ragnar4]

one I've been considering for myself.

Download a bunch of the funniest "cellphone auto-correct fails"

Then read the cell-phone autocorrects to your audience.

Then give one liners off of what you just read.

Some of my faves I've come up with.

--Seriously, Why the fuck did Steve Jobs think the word "Dildo" or "Hymen" was something we need to auto-correct to? Was there a study done somewhere? "Sir, it turns out that 42% of all people using a cellphone are talking about Dildos" Well! We clearly need to autocorrect to include the word dildo! I'm a fucking genious!

The first time you time you read one of the un-intentional incest texts, say something like "thank god she texted me that at the supper table and didn't say it to me, I'd have spit mashed potatoes 30 feet!"

for one of the best ones... just look up at the audience... with an "are you fucking kidding me" type face, Toss the notecard away, don't make a smartass comment and move right on to the next card.

--Do the same as above.. but do it before you read the card. Look at the card... look at your audience... look back at the card... throw it away... deadpan a few seconds of silence.. then read the next card.

Let the unintentional humor carry you. A few smart ass zingers even short ones like "gee, thanks sis..." and women will throw their panties at you.

[BooG690]

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

[lolzzz_321]

WHERE ARE ALL THE SOUR PATCH PARENTS?

[supa]

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

"Never let it slip cuz if it slips then I'm slippin"

That's not rhyming! It's just saying the same fucking word 3 times!

[spoonitnow]

My dad's the most racist person I know, my brother is gay, and my other brother is dating a Jamaican chick.

Not really a one liner, I just felt like sharing that.

[surviva316]

I'm the most racist person I know, I'm gay, and I'm dating a Jamaican chick.

Not really a one liner, I just felt like sharing that.

fyp.

BAM! and that's called banter

[bigred]

WHERE ARE ALL THE SOUR PATCH PARENTS?

i laffed

[WillburForce]

Man goes Dr and says "I can't stop singing The Green Grass of Home"

Dr says "You have Tom Jones syndrome"

Man asks "Is it common"?

Dr says "Well, its not unusual"

[kiwiMark]

couple good one liners in here while we're all sharing youtube vids

YouTube - Demetri Martin

[WillburForce]

I was in a French bar and i said to the barman "Are the toilets/restrooms that way"?

He said "Oui, Oui"

I replied "No, a shit actually"

[oskar]

Copy CK's opening lines

Louis CK standup clip at “Cinema Classics in NYC...

That was the first one I thought of when I saw the thread title. Unfortunately if you're not Louis CK, you'll just get a blank stare and then you get booed off the stage.
Same with a lot of really good pedophile jolkes.

[WillburForce]

I was in a French bar and i said to the barman "Are the toilets/restrooms that way"?

He said "Oui, Oui"

I replied "No, a shit actually"

dang someone gave me a bad rep for this. I made this up myself. So FU!!!!!!!!!!

[givememyleg]

YouTube - Dane Cook Impression by Anthony Jeselnik - Part 3 of 3 LOL

[kevster]

Man goes Dr and says "I can't stop singing The Green Grass of Home"

Dr says "You have Tom Jones syndrome"

Man asks "Is it common"?

Dr says "Well, its not unusual"

Oh dear. I'm not sure that leg asked for the oldest UK joke ever.

[kevster]

ALL YOU NEED......

YouTube - Frank Skinner Live The Text Message jealousy rant

[spoonitnow]

[spoonitnow]

YouTube - Dane Cook Impression by Anthony Jeselnik - Part 3 of 3 LOL

lol i fucking hate dane cook n1

[BennyLaRue]

YouTube - Dane Cook Impression by Anthony Jeselnik - Part 3 of 3 LOL

I lost it when he crouched down on one knee. That's so douchy Dane.

[bigred]

I like when the nephew goes "hey dane-man". Btw so many people who hate dane cook liked him before it was cool to hate...just sayin

[spoonitnow]

I like when the nephew goes "hey dane-man". Btw so many people who hate dane cook liked him before it was cool to hate...just sayin

always hated dane cook because he sucks at making me laugh

[Hawk]

I don't hate him. I don't find him all that funny and don't like joke thieves, but he's a decent enough entertainer. I would def rather watch him than the Blue Collar guys or that ventriloquist comedian that everyone seems to love.

[bigred]

I don't hate him. I don't find him all that funny and don't like joke thieves, but he's a decent enough entertainer. I would def rather watch him than the Blue Collar guys or that ventriloquist comedian that everyone seems to love.

Sums it up perfectly for me

[swiggidy]

I heard Dane Cook's Audio CD first and thought it was solid. Then I saw a TV performance and it is truly horrible.

If I had as much money as him though, I would be fine with everyone calling me a douche.

[spoonitnow]

If I had as much money as him though, I would be fine with everyone calling me a douche.

+1

[givememyleg]

Anthony Jeselnik is a genius. I went with "Whenever I'm about to have sex with a girl, I always and I mean always automatically assume she has herpes. That way, I don't have to tell her about my herpes." I tied for worst joke, room full of unfunnies. Some joke about buying corn and tying that to your corn hole won. But worst joke awarded free drink, so whateva.

[a500lbgorilla]

I don't know why you tried to practice your jokes when you could have just brought a laugh-track.

[OngBonga]

What's better than winning gold medal at the Paralympics? Not being a cripple.

[Hawk]

I don't really consider Q & A type jokes to be one liners, but as long as we are going with them...

What do you get when you try to breed a rhino with a parrot?


A dead parrot.

[wufwugy]

I liked Cook before it was popular to like him. Back when I was young and stupid

He does a couple things okay, but I probably wouldn't like his set if I saw it today

[swiggidy]

What's better than winning gold medal at the Paralympics? Not being a cripple.

What's better than winning a gold at the special olympics?
Not being retarded

[supa]

What's better than winning the Daytona 500?

Not being stupid and poor.

[a500lbgorilla]

What if a retarded came up to you and said, 'durrrr what's better than being you? Not being you!"

Yeah, you'd laugh, but not because the joke was good.

[mrhappy333]

Use these two from the above:

"Who do you think was smarter... Jesus or Buddha, I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified"

HAHAHA awesomeness

[OngBonga]

I can take the piss out of retarded people because I'm retarded. It's like how it's ok for niggers to say nigger, but white people can't.

[BennyLaRue]

Anthony Jeselnik is a genius. I went with "Whenever I'm about to have sex with a girl, I always and I mean always automatically assume she has herpes. That way, I don't have to tell her about my herpes." I tied for worst joke, room full of unfunnies. Some joke about buying corn and tying that to your corn hole won. But worst joke awarded free drink, so whateva.

This was smart in a meta social sense because now you'll be known as the herpes guy, which is better than, you know, not being known as a contagion?

[OngBonga]

Haha someone tagged my last post as "racist" through the reputation thing. I'd like to have a debate with that person... is it ok for black people to use that word? It is my belief that racism comes from the heart, it is how you feel about a race, it's not the words that you use to refer to them. I have no problem with n-words unless they happen to be an arsehole. One's skin colour is irrelevant. But I still make fun of anyone, whether it's a black person, white, yellow, purple, spastic, fat, ginger, female, myself, your mom, or my mom.

I think that people are too sensetive to the slightest hint of racism. We should challenge people's attitudes, not look to censor our vocabularies.

Anyone who thinks I'm racist is just fucking dumb, like most of society. Hitler was racist. I'm just a twat with a stupid sense of humour.