I'm going to be taking a break from poker for a while, until I can get some stuff sorted out. I tilted off an extremely large portion of my BR today. I started at $268, it now stands at $108. Bbickes donked around on my account at rush poker today and dropped 3 BIs that he said he will pay back, but still. That means I dropped 13 BIs on my own. That's fucking retarded. 13 BIs= $130, and I did it trying to clear a bonus worth $100. So much lol. Brett told me when he finished playing it to never play rush poker again, but me being the genius I am, decided that it was still worth pursuing and spewed off 5 more BIs not 20 minutes ago.

I've gotten waaaaaayyyyy too emotionally attached to my BR/the money I make or lose to continue to play even close to profitably. It irritates me so much that the last time I actually felt even somewhat happy about my game was May. Thats almost a year ago, and tbqh, I doubt I could beat 5nl right now. It's so disheartening. My headspace is so messed up. I don't consciously think about my irl problems while grinding, but its gotta be doing something to me subconsciously.

I know a lot of people out there probably have it 100x worse than I do, but compared to what I've been used to my whole life, whats going on now is just killing me from the inside out. I've never hated my life or myself so much. I'm so disappointed in myself and how I've turned out thus far in life. I've seriously been a huge failure at damn near everything I've attempted. Went to college, quit after a year. Joined the Marines, went UA, and got discharged after 7 months in. I've embarrassed my parents God only knows how much, and the whole time I can't help but think everyone in my family would be better off it I just wasn't around. Which is why I'm seriously considering moving away from everyone I know barring 2 really really close friends of mine.

Idk, I'm sorry for this huge ass whine/rant, but it's been a long time coming and I don't think I could have made it another day without freaking out on someone. If any of the guys from IRC follow my blog, I want to apologize for going apeshit on all of you. It was extremely childish.

I honestly don't know how long this break will be for, probably 2 weeks minimum, likely longer than that. I might pop in to say hello every now and then, but we'll see.