WARNING: TLDR

Alright, so last week a friend from school was in Bangkok with a bunch of other 2p2ers he lives with in Phuket, so I went out a few times with them and had a blast. I distinctly remember meeting up with them on night in one of the sketchiest parts of Bangkok called Patpong, also one of its biggest red light districts. We werent really feeling the place, but decided to have some beers and play pool before going out to the clubs. On the way out we kept being approached by these guys with basically a sex show menu. One item stood out in particular, "ping pong show" [search urban dictionary for more information]. So, we didnt end up checking it out that night, but one of my roomates, Roomate 1, and I vowed to never leave Bangkok until we saw it.

Another buddy of mine from high school was studying abroad in hong kong and traveling around southeast asia on his spring break and told me he had a 15 hour layover in bkk. He came over and crashed for awhile and then we took him out to lunch before his flight. I ordered a pitcher and the waitress kindly informed me that it was 2-for-1 pitchers. This never ends well for me.

We went through 2 pitchers and lunch, got my friend in a cab and then went back for 2 more pitchers. Afterwards, we didnt want to call it a night [it was about 3pm, when we are typically all heading to bed] and Roomate 1 and I spent about 10 minutes convincing the friend I came to Bangkok with from home, we'll call him Wallstreet, and Roomate 2 that it was the perfect time for a ping pong show.

We get to Patpong and it is dead. We go to one of the bars, order some drinks and then ask the bartender about ping pong shows. She tells us that they dont start until 7pm, so we have about 4 more hours. I suggest doing a pub crawl to pass the time, Roomate 1 insta-agrees, but the others arent going along so easily but finally oblige. Shots flew back and time flew by and before we knew it, it was 730 and we were hammered playing pool with what were probably hookers in some random pack alley pool hall that looked like a dungeon from the outside.

We left and went aimlessly looking for the show. Found some random guy outside of a club who tried to bring us inside, we asked if they had ping pong shows, he said yes, so we went in. We grabbed some beers and sat down by the stage and braced ourselves. Biggest. Disappointment. Ever. Without going into many details, just know that this was not anything like South Park described. The balls were not “shot” over long distances but merely dropped into a jar with only about a 60% accuracy rate. Lame.

Clearly tilted, we ventured back into the streets to find the real deal. This is when things start to get hazey. Roomate 1 and I went one way, and Wallstreet and Roomate 2 went the other. We ended up at the seediest place I have ever been. It had no lights except for some neon pink ones over the stage, had about 20 girls working but no customers until we walked in. Had I been anywhere else in the world, this would have been an amazing sight. Here, however, this usually means some sort of trouble.

Roomate 1 and I took seats by the stage and were immediately swarmed by literally every girl in this place. We were given two drinks which we, stupidly, quickly polished off. The girls start all yelling at me asking me to buy them drinks. At this point my vision is incredibly blurred and I have no idea what is going on. I remember seeing what looked like 20 diet cokes in front of us for all the girls and when I told them I wasnt paying for it, all hell broke loose. I threw on the stage whatever money I was able to randomly grab out of my pocket and got the fuck out of there, figuring Roomate 1 was right behind me, stumbled down some street and jumped in the first cab I saw.

The next thing I remember is walking down some random side street that is sorta near our house. I dont have any idea what happened between getting in the cab and walking down the street, but my ass doesnt hurt and I still have my kidneys; however, I have absolutely no money in my pockets. Whatever, at least I’m not dead. I walk for about 30 minutes until I get back to our house and when I walked inside, everybody was there and immediately started freaking out at me. I just got drugged, robbed, and then walked half an hour, so I flip out at them.

Turns out that Wallstreet and Roomate 2 found Roomate 1 passed out at some counterfeit movie stand outside of the club and then they all went looking for me. Wallstreet went to the doorman and said “Where’s Andy?!” the doorman told him that I was inside having a good time and didnt want to leave. Wallstreet interpreted this to mean that he knew who I was [Note: Wallstreet was also hammered]. Wallstreet started yelling at the guy, telling him to go get me, the guy flips out and suddenly has a gun to Wallstreet’s head.

Wallstreet, with ninja-like instincts, somehow takes the gun away from the guy. I wasnt there and have no idea how or why this happened, but it did in fact happen. He tells the guy to get out of his way and then goes through the club looking for me. Realizes I’m not there, tosses the gun and meets up again with Roomate 1 and Roomate 2 outside. The look around a little more for me but realize that when you get a gun pulled on you in Bangkok, you probably shouldnt stick around much longer, so they head back to the house where I eventually show up.

All of us sit around and talk about how ridiculous what just happened was and go over the details for awhile until we all calm down. I let Wallstreet know how much I appreciate his loyalty, but to never again try to disarm a crazy person with a gun. We figure we need to relax so we walk down the street to “Angel Massage” and get a nice massage before heading to bed.

Moral of the story: There is no such thing as free beer.