In this post:

1) I've done what I can with Utility. Wish me luck.

2) Sap-happy sappy crap

3) Poker memoirs?

4) Resurrecting Predisposed

I've sent out 33 queries over the last month. It feels kinda do-or-die at this point. I definitely think there are still ways to improve the novel, but if I can't so much as get a manuscript request from 1/33 agents, then it's probably about that time to consider alternatives.

Frankly, it's getting a bit embarrassing at this point. I feel like you can only go so long after graduation, so many months into a blog, etc without having a single fucking word published anywhere before people start laughing behind your back: "That guy's still calling himself a writer?"

I met with my mentor the other day, and we spent the first 5 minutes talking about how tough of a sell Utility is for someone with no publishing credits, no fellowships, and no connections. Even if it's worth publishing (and he's pretty adamant that it is), I'm going to have a very very hard time getting anyone to read the fucking manuscript, much less reject it, much less ACCEPT it. Then, we talked the whole time about poker, my history with it, and how much easier of a sell it would be than Utility.

I've been writing scenes and keeping notes and stuff for a poker memoir for a long time, but haven't been able to find a compelling narrative arc to the whole damn thing. He was brilliant enough to suggest a fictionalized memoir, based on a true story novel, or (more simply) just a novel (inspired by my life and those of the people I've met in my 5 years in the community). That puts the onus on me to, like, be creative and stuff, but it's a hell of an idea to tumble around the back of my head.

I've also recently sketched some new scenes for Predisposed that make me feel hopeful again about that project. I'd mentioned months earlier that I finally found a satisfactory 14-year-old voice/lens for the narrator, but he felt too passive and rational to set up the whole stakes of "Oh no, I might slit someone's throat." These new scenes should establish a character who tries his best to keep to himself but inexplicably boils over at seemingly mundane things.

I've felt a bit lost and meandering this week, but I think Predisposed is what I should focus on. I have full-length novel aspirations for the project, but Part 1 could be publishable as an excerpt if I can ever just fucking write it.