So here’s the setup. I work from home 4 days a week. My wife’s in law-school, so she’s rarely ever home. Basically, I sit around the house a lot after work, play some poker, etc.

At some point, I get bored and want to be a man of the people. I caught wind of these free poker tournaments at bars around the area. It’s hard to find a good game. They exist if you know where to look, but putting the wife through law school kinda limits one’s options for ballerism. So these poker tournaments sounded like a good opportunity to get out of the house, meet some new people, play some cards, and drink some beer.

These things run three nights a week, two tournaments per night. I’ve been playing for about a month now, sporadically. I’ve played well… I’ve played 11 of these tournaments, and won 6 of them against fields of 18-40 players. It’s not that I’m that good… it’s really that they’re that bad, and my cards have run pretty well. My prizes? About 150 in gift cards from various bad restaurants. If anyone wants to go ball at Panini’s Pub with me… drinks are on me, ‘cause that’s how I roll.

And after getting out and meeting these wonderful new people… I never want to leave the house. People are annoying, and playing poker (even free Poker) brings out some very annoying quirks in people’s personalities. I’ve seen these personalities at free games, online games, cash games, home games… they run across every genre of poker, and they suck the fun out of the game for me. As my public service to you all… I present my list of the five types of poker player you should never be… lest you catch an errant chip in the eye.

1. The Cynic.
2. The Remorseful
3. The Wonderer
4. The Belligerent
5. The Coach


The Cynic
There’s this guy that comes to every one of these tournaments. For some reason, he’s kind of latched on to me as his “friend” or whatever. I don’t hate the guy, but he annoys me because he’s a pure cynic, when it comes to poker. Anytime he enters a hand, he loses. If he has Kings, someone has aces. No matter what he has, you can outflop him. If the board has diamonds, he’s got spades. And my god, can he bitch about it, as if he’s the only person that ever suffers a beat!

He’s read a poker book or two. He thinks you can only play JJ+, AQ and AK…. And when he enters the pot, he should be a lock to win. A9 should never outdraw KK, and by god, K8 is a Mortal Lock vs. QT. He’s read the chapter that says you should play tight, but he never turned the page to understand things like position, pot odds, and pretty trivial concepts.

He’s been beaten down by his poor play, and will likely get blinded out. When he enters a pot, he’s going to get no action, because even the densest player can put him on a hand. When he does finally take his stand, he’s got no fold equity.

And did I mention, he bitches about it the whole time?

I’m not one to believe in voodoo. I don’t think you can will the cards to fall any certain way… but I do believe that if you EXPECT bad things to happen to you, they will. Not because you’ve controlled anything, or the fates have conspired against you, but because you subconsciously sabotage your own play. Since you EXPECT to lose, you’re not going to commit yourself with AK, because someone will hit a set on you. You get raised out of too many pots because you believe the person always has exactly the hand that beats you.

True story… last night we were at 100/200 blinds, and nearing end game. 4 players left. I’ve got a mountain of chips. The Cynic is sitting in the SB while I’m in the BB. He’s got 200 left after posting the SB. The other two players fold, and the Cynic completes. I think for approximately a nanosecond, and simply minraise the guy, to 200. I was doing it just to prove a point. He goes into the tank. Keep in mind this tournament only pays first….

After about a minute, he folds AK face up, and says I know you have aces.

Hell… I might have. I never looked, and mucked my cards.

The point is that this guy’s negative outlook on life and poker sabotages his game. But I really don’t care about that. I’m more concerned with the bitching. If you want to sulk in your own psyche, that’s fine… but do it privately. Everyone can expect some sympathy for some bad beats, but when you take them on every hand, and expect them to happen, no one cares. You grate on their nerves, and eventually no one is going to give you the attention you crave.

Don’t be a cynic.


The Remorseful.
You all know this guy. He’s the guy that after every hand goes.
“Man, I folded a straight.”
”I’d have cracked your aces if I’d stayed”
”Damn… the river would have given me two pair”
“Hell, I knew I should have stayed with THAT 8-3.”

First of all, I f’n hate this guy.

Second of all, it’s dumb from a poker persepective. If you’re telling the truth, you’re giving up all kinds of information about your hand selection.

Third of all, no one else gives a damn. No one at the table is concerned with what you had. Half the time, they don’t even care if you’re in the pot… and certainly don’t give a shit what you have once you folded.

Once you let go of a hand… let go of a hand. Mucking 7-2 is a fine play. Who cares if you flop trips?

You do. And Only You. Keep it to yourself.

The Wonderer.
This guy is a close cousin to the Remorseful. He doesn’t care what he had… he wants to know what you have.

“Did you have the straight?”
“Could you beat two pair?”
”Whadjahave? Ace-Ten?”

This guy is fishing for information, and that’s a noble goal on some level… but when you do it on every hand, even when you’re not involved, agitates everyone.

I don’t find this player as annoying as The Remorseful, but its still agitating.

If you ever go into the muck and look at someone else’s cards, you deserve severe pain.

I don’t get mad at this guy. I just feed him MOUNTAINS of misinformation. If he wants to know if I had a ten, even if I did, I’ll tell him no. If I’m bluffing, I had a monster. If I had a monster, it was marginal. I use this guy’s fault against him, because I’m reasonably certain he can’t process the information anyway.

I’m not saying you can’t fish for information… we all do it. But dammit, people… pick your spots.

The Belligerent.

Again at the final table last night. Blind vs. Blind hand, and I have QTo. Board is Td 6s 5d 7d 4d/

There’s so many ways I’m beat on this board, Its sick. We’ve build a 900 pot mostly with me firing with TP and opp flat calling. I check the river, and the Belligerent bets 75 into a 900 pot. Now, I know that my pair of tens is very likely no good, but Opp is going crazy. His legs are shaking so bad under the table that I can feel it two seats over, and he was very antsy. I wasn’t entirely sure if this was strength or weakness, but I felt it was weakness.

It doesn’t really matter, as opponent bet only 75 into a 900 pot, offering me about 13 to 1. It’s only got to be a bluff once to be the right call, so I call.

Opponent loses his goddamned mind.

“How can you call that? There’s 4 diamonds out there and tons of straights!”

He then stands up and draws his fist at me like he’s going to hit me. I’m caught totally off gaurd by this. The dude settled down and was promptly thrown out. Now, I’m alright throwing blows and all, but I’m a grown man. I’m not about to scrap over free poker, if I can avoid it. They throw him out and play proceeds.

We’ve seen this guy a million times online. He’s the guy railbirding in the chat box after a bad beat, or cursing you out for your stupid play.

What good does this serve? Do you feel better? Do you feel it’s hurting the other player? It’s not. It makes you look like an ass, and sucks the fun out of the game.

I could have told him why I called, but I strive never to be…

The Coach.

It is not your job to teach the others how to play poker, to criticize their errors, or tell them how they should play their hands. It has two ill effects.

One, it makes your opponents’ better players, and no one wants that.

Two, it makes them inwardly angry at you, and resentful.

Don’t be that guy. Ultimately, all you’re doing is stroking your own ego, and making others not like you.



If you aren’t these kind of players, others will enjoy playing with you, won’t gun for you, and if you’re playing live, might even invite you back.