A black guy, a muslim, and a Jew walk into a bar.The bartender says "get the fuck out"
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A black guy, a muslim, and a Jew walk into a bar.The bartender says "get the fuck out"
A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar. He orders a drink.
Q. whats the difference between marmalade and jam??
A. you cant marmalade your dick in your girlfriends ass.
Two young businessmen in
Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in
the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that
any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the
window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up
to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in
a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes.
Without skipping a beat,
the old timer said, "You're doing well.
Only two left."
ok these are all from sopranos but they are priceless nonetheless-
Chinese guy goes to the doctors and is like "whats wrong with me doc" and the doctors like "i think you have a cataract" and the chinese guy says "no i dont i have a rincoln contirental"
zing
Ok so a rich guy is talking to a poor guy about christmas gifts, and the rich guy is explaining what he got his wife, "I got her both a diamond ring and a mercedes"
poor guy- why both
rich guy- so if she doesnt like the ring she can drive the mercedes to the store to return it and still be happy, what about you what did you get your wife?
poor guy- slippers and a dildo
rich guy- why both of those things
poor guy- cause if she doesnt like the slippers she can go fuck herself
zing
guy walks into his bedroom carrying a duck and sees his wife standing there and says "this is the pig i'm fucking" and the wife says "uh honey thats a duck" and the man says "shut up bitch i wasnt talking to you"
The Pope and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi were on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope said, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.”
Pelosi seriously doubts this, and says, “One little wave of your hand, and all people will rejoice forever?? Show me”, she said.
...so the Pope slapped her.
A priest and a rabbi we're walking through the park. The priest pointed to a young boy in the corner and said, "Let's go fuck that kid".
The rabbi asked, "Out of what?"
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
that was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap.
I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
Taken from John Hodgeman's Areas of My Expertise. The chapter is titled: Jokes that have never produced laughter.
- A man goes into a bar. He has a dog with him. The dog is wearing an eye patch. The man says to the bartender, “Ask me about my dog!” Unfortunately, the bartender does not hear the man, because he went deaf in one ear as a child. He serves a woman at the other end of the bar. He comes around to the man with the dog again, and the man orders an imported beer. He forgets what he was going to say about the dog.
- A priest, a rabbi, and a non-religious person are flying across the Atlantic Ocean. There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches fire. The plane starts to go down. Luckily, there are enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is orderly.
- An Irishman, an Englishman, and an Indian Chief go fishing together in a large rowboat on a medium-sized lake. Everyone has good luck – two or three big fish each. They stay out in the middle of the lake until sunset. On the way back to the shore, as the sky purples and turns to night, they all sing a song.
- A duck goes into a pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist, ‘I need some ointment for my beak, it is very chapped.’ The pharmacist says, ‘We have nothing for ducks here.’
- A dog goes into a bar. He is wearing an eye patch. The dog says to the bartender, ‘Have you heard the one about the one-eyed dog?’ The bartender, who is deaf in one ear, thinks the dog is making fun of him. He asks him to leave. The dogs says, ‘Don’t you have a sense of humor, deafie?’ He asks him to leave again, and the dog leaves. At the end of his shift, the bartender is tired of all the jokes. Today, the one-eyed dog. Yesterday, the horse with rickets. Before that, ants. He lives above the bar, in a small room. He spends his night alone there, listening to his small battery-operated radio, which picks up only a bad jazz station. He listens to bad jazz with his bad ear.
I don't get the first one.
It's a set up for the last one. Maybe I should put the description first :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Galapogos
No laughter is the appropriate part of this sentence.Quote:
Originally Posted by oskar
So there are these three midgeds. One goes: Hey guys check out my feet, aren't those the smalles feet you have ever seen. I think I might have the smalles feet in the world! There is much agreement. The second one says: You know, now that you say it, I think I might have the smallest hands in the world! Look at that! it's like warts on a stump, I can't even grip anything with this shit!
So the third one goes: You guys. There is no way I don't have the smallest penis in the world. My parents thought I was a girl for twenty years. During the winter it retracts into my body. It's like a pimple cradled between two raisin ballsacks. My wife has a bigger clit than that!
So the bartender goes (there's a fucking bartender, deal with it): You guys should go see the Guinnes book of records! - so they do.
After the first one gets tested he comes out all happy waving a plaque around saying "Hey guys check it out! Smallest feet! That will keep me from ending my miserable existance for another year!" And there is much rejoicing
The second one comes out and sais: "Smallest hands! That will land me that gig on the View!"
So the third goes in and after a long time he comes back. Forlorn and crestfallen he stands there as they look at him in anguish. He says: "Who the fuck is that Monty three zero three eight guy?"
:|
A black guy, a rapist and a homophobe walk into a bar. Everyone gathers and asks, "Kobe, can I have your autograph?"
--
Did you hear they cancelled easter?
no.
They found the body.
--
What do you get when you try to breed a rhino and a parrot?
A dead parrot.
--
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
'ell-if-i-no
(obviously works better out loud)
bruins fan? the fuck you canadiens thread is that way ------->
Hehe, the bigger joke is I'm a leafs fan.
Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.
She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?"
Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."
Muslim women have a new social networking site.....called
Book
Just saw this after however long it has been up there... and honestly did LOL.Quote:
Originally Posted by oskar
Not really a joke, but not new thread worthy. I got owned so hard :(
(1:54:26 PM) Matthew: beans for supper then coffee for breakfast
(1:54:38 PM) jeffk: shut up, no one cares
(1:54:48 PM) Matthew: did you lose your penis?
(1:55:10 PM) jeff: it appears to be there. Why did you wake up with an extra one?
(1:55:47 PM) Matthew: I was going to say, that must be why you don't find humor in bodily functions anymore
You: I heard the funniest fucking knock knock joke the other day. Do you want to hear it? (Start out with this or preface with a story of your choice)
Other Person: OK
You: But you have to start it.
Other Person: Ok....Knock Knock
You: Who's there (Stare at them blankly waiting for them to finish the joke)
I fucking died laughing when a friend got some random girl at the bar with that last week. I'm amused easily, especially when I'm drunk.
wat.Quote:
Originally Posted by DropTheBanana
Try it sometime. They're expecting a joke and don't realize there isn't one until the awkward silence.
Tried it on my daughter. I think it works better if you can hold a straight face for longer than like 3 seconds. She still cracked up tho.
A Muslim kid can’t find his mother in the supermarket. The store attendant says ‘What does your mother look like?’
The kid says “How the fuck would I know?”
He had a good business, a loving wife, two children, and a good house.
One day as he is eating breakfast he hears a booming voice, "Jim I want you to sell your business."
Jim is startled, "Why?"
"Just do it, trust me."
"Who are..."
"TRUST ME"
So Jim ends up selling his business for 3 million dollars.
"Now I want you to go to Las Vegas."
"Vegas?"
"VEGAS."
So Jim listens and goes to Vegas.
"Play Black Jack Jim," the booming voice tells him.
"Black Jack?" Jim responds.
"Black Jack."
So Jim walks over to the Black Jack table and takes a seat.
"Jim," the voice tells him "bet everything on this hand."
"Wait, what?"
"Trust me," the voice tells him.
"3 million dollars on this next hand," Jim tells to the dealer.
The dealer is dumbfounded, slowly he nods and deals out the cards. Jim gets a Jack and a 4, 14.
"Take a card," the voice tells him.
"Hit me," Jim says.
He gets a 3, he has 17.
"Take another card."
"What?"
"Take another CARD"
"H-Hit me" Jim Is starting to sweat now. The dealer deals him an ACE, 18.
"Take another card Jim."
Jim yells, "I have 18!"
"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!"
Jim squeaks, "Hit me."
He gets a TWO! Jim is at 20!
"Sta..."
"Take another card Jim."
"I Have 20, I'm going to Stay!" Jim shouts!
"JIM I COMMAND YOU TO TAKE ANOTHER CARD!"
"Hit me," Jim whispers, he is dealt an Ace... 21
The dealer is lost for words, Jim is close to tears.
After what seemed like an eternity the Voice says something,
"No Fucking Way..."
Omg dyingQuote:
Originally Posted by Warpe
I've heard this joke somewhere and it was hilarious, I only remember the punchline, but it hangs on the details. I've been trying to recreate it, I hope it works.
I think it works best with a kind of Norm Macdonald delivery.
So there's these two bachellors sharing an appartement. One goes to the other: I know this new game. It's called 'hide the banana'.
The other one asks: What is that game?
He says: You go stand over there with your face to the wall. You take off your pants and count down from ten. While you do that, I am going to hide a banana
somewhere in this room. After you have conted down from ten, you turn around and search the banana. If you find the banana, you can fuck me up the ass.
I'll hide it behind the couch.
President Obama goes on a State visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem, he has a fatal heart attack. The undertaker tells the US diplomats: "You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100."
The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend $100?"
One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. We simply can't take that risk."
Tim Tebow: I haven't seen a white Bronco in the news this much since OJ...
I picture him telling this joke with Norm being the guy learning the game and Andy Richter being the one explaining it to him.Quote:
Originally Posted by oskar
Knock, knock
who's there?
Quicksand
How could you tell the bird was out of breath? It was a puffin.
Stephen Hawking. Not as daft as he looks.
I had phone sex last night... had to get the morning after bill
To be perfectly honest, I don't know what I see in my imaginary girlfriend
There was once a very artistic knight..He went into battle and drew his sword
Me and my friend were caught stealing a calendar. We got 6 months each
A bug just crawled under my keyboard. But I have it under ctrl.
What is a prisoners favourite dessert? anything, as long as it's custody
Who will take the second shot in this snooker game? Find out after the break.
What do you call a woman who talks after sex? A taxi.
What's the opposite of domestic violence? A good sandwich.
What's worse than amnesia? I forgot.
I always beat my friend at blow football, He sucks.
When people with lisps say "Bithneth", you know they mean business.
IV no need for Roman numerals.
Just had an interview for a hammer factory. I nailed it.
Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
Drugs don't ruin your career. Drug tests do.
What has two wings and a halo? A Chinese telephone.
Where do people with gambling addictions go? Tibet
I see french connection have brought out some afteshave. "Stings like FCUK"
How do you make a Jew uncomfortable? Pass a little gas.
On the one hand, Captain Hook was pretty awesome.
I called my three children Flour, Yeast & Water. They're all inbred.
What do you call an Arab dairy farmer? A milk sheikh.
What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your dick is hanging out.
I saw a man on a bike go past my house twice. I thought 'he recycles'
I just bought a new car called the Chimadena. It's made in China.
Finishing a book is one of the best feelings ever. End of story.
When i found out the council had closed down my allotment, I lost the plot.
Whats a cocaine addicts favourite type of joke? a one liner
How many Ugandan children does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who knows, they're invisible!
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to change the bulb, the other to suck my cock.
How many doctors does it take to treat her for the oozing sores on her mouth after?Quote:
Originally Posted by OngBonga
It would take two doctors, one to check her out and another female blonde one to suck my cock. I sense a fun day in store.
Two rashers of bacon and a mushroom in a frying pan, sizzling away.
Suddenly, the mushrooms says,
"Fucking hell it's hot in here",
To which one rasher of bacon says to the other,
"Holy shit a talking mushroom".
What's blue and fucks old women?
Me in my blue coat.
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
What's the difference between an egg and a wank?
You can beat an egg.
I was walking through the woods today with <enter name of current missing child> and he/she said to me "I'm scared", to which I replied "You're scared? I've got to walk back on my own."
What's got eight legs and a black cunt?
The A-Team
the jews
How many rednecks does it take to eat possum?
Three. One to eat it and two to watch for cars.
A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
'You are back so soon... Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired. 'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.' 'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Home Depot either.'
I read online that that one out of three people in my neighborhood are pedophiles. I don't believe it. Both of my neighbors are smoking hot 10 year olds.
Quicksand who?
When you think about it, any whistle could be a rape whistle. Except for maybe a slide whistle.
What did the fly say to the other fly?
Hey fly. Your dude is open.
knock knock <who's there?>
I eat mop <I eat mop who?>
YOU EAT YOUR POO!!!
An old man wakes up from a nap on his 90th birthday when he hears the doorbell ring. He answers the door and a beautiful young lady in a Wonder Woman costume is there.
She says to him, "Happy birthday! Your friends sent me over to offer you some super sex."
The old man replies, "I'll have the soup."
What type of bees make milk?????
boooooooooooooooooooooooooobies!!!
My house was vandalised yesterday. Some twat spray painted the word MONG across my windows in huge letters. Took me fuckin hours to lick it all off...
lol, actually had to look up mong. I think I'll go clean my windows now.
You can call a spade a spade...
but if it's got a long enough reach, it's probably a hoe.
a fish swims into a wall
"DAM"
I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment. It's called Man or Myth.
There are two types of people I hate: Racists and Chinese.
I stood in the park wondering why a frisbee gets larger the closer it gets... then it hit me
I want to donate a large amount of money to rape victims and I won't take no for an answer.
I'm not racist; racism is a crime - and crime is for black people.
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed...it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
Some old men can still think fast
Did you hear about the terrorist from Minnesota?
His name was Yasir Yubetcha.
An elderly couple is enjoying a 50 year anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.”
“Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.”
“Ok,” he says, “How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time’s sake.”
“Oooooooh Charlie, you devil, that sounds like a good idea.”
There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.”
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. They finally get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She’s yelling, “Ohhh, God!” He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching, thinks that was truly amazing. He was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them, “That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?”
The old man says, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence!”
Ok that one was funny, wp celtic
Victims of what in particular do you want to rape?Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucothefish
http://i295.photobucket.com/albums/m...-chan-meme.pngQuote:
Originally Posted by jackvance
.Quote:
Originally Posted by jackvance wearing a luco-mask and shirt
Yeah I got it kiwi, I wasn't born with a hole in my head. Other than the talkie, sniffy and listenie ones.
Waiting three months to make a bad play on words is the wtf part... Jack and Kiwi will be my next rape victims. Kiwi is down the road and I can fund the road trip myself, anyone got donations and directions to Jack's house?
Anywho, back to the jokes pls
he's in belgium - decent beer, chocolate etc. Maybe go for him first and me on the way back?
Sounds like a plan, it will give you time to buy one of theseQuote:
Originally Posted by kiwiMark
You gonna wine and dine me first though rite?
Have you ever seen that film, The Accused? If not, have you ever been to Steubenville, or possibly bus tripping around India?Quote:
Originally Posted by jackvance
I still don't understand why it matters that the guy's a cop though?Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucothefish
Cos if he's not a cop he's a pervert for watching 2 old people have sex for 40 minutes.
Then again he's still a pervert
Yeah, he did watch them for like an hour afterwards while they sat in their love juices. This cop is damn shady.Quote:
Originally Posted by Pascal
I don't like him.
What's the Difference between Jack Daniels and General Custer?
Jack Daniels is still killing indians.
What do Jack Daniels and Daniel Snyder have in common?
They are both killing Redskins.
http://i1307.photobucket.com/albums/...ps4620b1a4.png
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.
If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember...
:twisted:
No one loves you on any other days of the year, either.
I have it on good authority my mum loves me at christmas, cunt