Let's have 'em. Going to a comedy club on Friday and will be required to give a few one liners on stage... I don't want to look stupid, so make me funny, FTR.
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Let's have 'em. Going to a comedy club on Friday and will be required to give a few one liners on stage... I don't want to look stupid, so make me funny, FTR.
If someone catches you off guard with a good one liner themselves after you've said something say, "If I wanted a comeback from you I would have scraped it off your chin."
pull a kramer imo
Best one liner in history
YouTube - The Office: Thats what she said
Is this in the UP? I'm just trying to get a sense as to whether Ted Nugent jokes will get laughs or get you dead.
What's the deal with airplane food?
and who do I talk to about the long lines at the ATM?
from hereQuote:
Originally Posted by kmind
http://www.flopturnriver.com/pokerfo...29-185706.html
Two goldfish are in a tank and one says to the other, "Hey do you know how to drive this thing?"
DOESN'T GET MUCH BETTER THAN THAT.
^^ lololololololol
there's my act!Quote:
Originally Posted by kiwiMark
no really, i'm doomed.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... men will screw anything
What does Kenny G say when he walks into an elevator?
"This place rocks!"
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes your blood type
Dead baby jokes imo
Black Beauty - now there's a dark horse
Albino folks - you can't say fairer than that
There's a really good book on the history of glue - I couldn't put it down
Bwahahahahahahahah.Quote:
Originally Posted by kiwiMark
Why o why doesn't this awesomeness translate well into norwegian :(.
Recite the following joke:
"Ok, two penguins are in a bathtub. A REEEDDD bathtub. And one says to the other, "Will you please pass the soap, the DIIAALL soap." And the other one says, "What do you think I look like, an accordion?".
Then chortle to yourself... When next to no one laughs... say "Oh, that din't go quite right. let me give it another go." Then recite the joke again with extra emphasis on the words RED and DIAL. Keep thinking of excuses to tell the joke again... see how many times you can tell it before you get booed off the stage.
LOLQuote:
Originally Posted by kingnat
you should youtube Norm McDonald's stuff
or Mitch Hedberg
honestly I'd go up there and blatantly rip off Hedberg b/c our generation doesn't know jack shit about comedy anyways and they probably all think Dane Cook is hilarious.
Yeah, you can't really rip off a dead guy anyway. Call it a tribute.Quote:
Originally Posted by bigspenda73
Hedberg ftw!
Also Jimmy Carr, and there's a shitton in George Carlin's books that aren't on tape anywhere that you can steal.
My wife said for a bit of a fun game we should both pick one person in the world who we are allowed to sleep with without the other getting upset.
She chose George Clooney.
I chose the babysitter and I won and now she can't handle it!
Why do drive-thru atm's have braille?
or
My dad has a few inventions in mind that he thinks are going to do very well. Including:
- inflatable dart boards. For camping obviously.
- solar powered flashlights. in case you don't have batteries obviously
- telephones for deaf people that flash lights instead of ring
Some of you guise stretch the definition of "one line" worse than Lindsay Lohan on a bender in Bogota.
I'm going to start being more assertive, if that's OK with all of you.
What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?
BAH-NAH-NAH-NAHHHHH
Blueberry Muffin says to Cinnamon Sugar Muffin, "Boy, it sure is hot in this oven eh?"
Cinnamon Sugar replies, "HOLY SHIT, A TALKING MUFFIN!"
You could steal some of Steven Wright's stuff.
I lost a button hole today.
I bought some batteries but they weren't included so I had to buy them again.
Got food poisening today but I don't know when I'm going to use it.
"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this."
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sasquach991
lol that's brilliant
lmaoQuote:
Originally Posted by triumphant cracker
TOP 100 funniest one-liners, quotes and jokes on the internet! Part 1
some of these are great
My favourite from the above site:
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Copy CK's opening lines
Louis CK standup clip at “Cinema Classics in NYC...
Some great one liners from anthony jeselnik
YouTube - Anthony Jeselnik on Jim norton down and dirty on HBO
Use these two from the above:
"I used to mow the lawn at a battered women's shelter...if you know what I mean"
"Who do you think was smarter... Jesus or Buddha, I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified"
More good stuff:
YouTube - Anthony Jeselnik performs at the "I'm with Coco" Benefit for Haiti
"My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person...so I can get a better girlfriend"
lolQuote:
Originally Posted by bigred
Jesus vs Buddha wins the thread.
one I've been considering for myself.
Download a bunch of the funniest "cellphone auto-correct fails"
Then read the cell-phone autocorrects to your audience.
Then give one liners off of what you just read.
Some of my faves I've come up with.
--Seriously, Why the fuck did Steve Jobs think the word "Dildo" or "Hymen" was something we need to auto-correct to? Was there a study done somewhere? "Sir, it turns out that 42% of all people using a cellphone are talking about Dildos" Well! We clearly need to autocorrect to include the word dildo! I'm a fucking genious!
The first time you time you read one of the un-intentional incest texts, say something like "thank god she texted me that at the supper table and didn't say it to me, I'd have spit mashed potatoes 30 feet!"
for one of the best ones... just look up at the audience... with an "are you fucking kidding me" type face, Toss the notecard away, don't make a smartass comment and move right on to the next card.
--Do the same as above.. but do it before you read the card. Look at the card... look at your audience... look back at the card... throw it away... deadpan a few seconds of silence.. then read the next card.
Let the unintentional humor carry you. A few smart ass zingers even short ones like "gee, thanks sis..." and women will throw their panties at you.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
WHERE ARE ALL THE SOUR PATCH PARENTS?
"Never let it slip cuz if it slips then I'm slippin"Quote:
Originally Posted by BooG690
That's not rhyming! It's just saying the same fucking word 3 times!
My dad's the most racist person I know, my brother is gay, and my other brother is dating a Jamaican chick.
Not really a one liner, I just felt like sharing that.
fyp.Quote:
Originally Posted by spoonitnow
BAM! and that's called banter
i laffedQuote:
Originally Posted by lolzzz_321
Man goes Dr and says "I can't stop singing The Green Grass of Home"
Dr says "You have Tom Jones syndrome"
Man asks "Is it common"?
Dr says "Well, its not unusual"
couple good one liners in here while we're all sharing youtube vids
YouTube - Demetri Martin
I was in a French bar and i said to the barman "Are the toilets/restrooms that way"?
He said "Oui, Oui"
I replied "No, a shit actually"
That was the first one I thought of when I saw the thread title. Unfortunately if you're not Louis CK, you'll just get a blank stare and then you get booed off the stage.Quote:
Originally Posted by wufwugy
Same with a lot of really good pedophile jolkes.
dang someone gave me a bad rep for this. I made this up myself. So FU!!!!!!!!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by WillburForce
Oh dear. I'm not sure that leg asked for the oldest UK joke ever.Quote:
Originally Posted by WillburForce
ALL YOU NEED......
YouTube - Frank Skinner Live The Text Message jealousy rant
lol i fucking hate dane cook n1Quote:
Originally Posted by givememyleg
I lost it when he crouched down on one knee. That's so douchy Dane.Quote:
Originally Posted by givememyleg
I like when the nephew goes "hey dane-man". Btw so many people who hate dane cook liked him before it was cool to hate...just sayin
always hated dane cook because he sucks at making me laughQuote:
Originally Posted by bigred
I don't hate him. I don't find him all that funny and don't like joke thieves, but he's a decent enough entertainer. I would def rather watch him than the Blue Collar guys or that ventriloquist comedian that everyone seems to love.
Sums it up perfectly for meQuote:
Originally Posted by Hawk
I heard Dane Cook's Audio CD first and thought it was solid. Then I saw a TV performance and it is truly horrible.
If I had as much money as him though, I would be fine with everyone calling me a douche.
+1Quote:
Originally Posted by swiggidy
Anthony Jeselnik is a genius. I went with "Whenever I'm about to have sex with a girl, I always and I mean always automatically assume she has herpes. That way, I don't have to tell her about my herpes." I tied for worst joke, room full of unfunnies. Some joke about buying corn and tying that to your corn hole won. But worst joke awarded free drink, so whateva.
I don't know why you tried to practice your jokes when you could have just brought a laugh-track.
What's better than winning gold medal at the Paralympics? Not being a cripple.
I don't really consider Q & A type jokes to be one liners, but as long as we are going with them...
What do you get when you try to breed a rhino with a parrot?
A dead parrot.
I liked Cook before it was popular to like him. Back when I was young and stupid
He does a couple things okay, but I probably wouldn't like his set if I saw it today
What's better than winning a gold at the special olympics?Quote:
Originally Posted by OngBonga
Not being retarded
What's better than winning the Daytona 500?
Not being stupid and poor.
What if a retarded came up to you and said, 'durrrr what's better than being you? Not being you!"
Yeah, you'd laugh, but not because the joke was good.
HAHAHA awesomenessQuote:
Originally Posted by bigred
I can take the piss out of retarded people because I'm retarded. It's like how it's ok for niggers to say nigger, but white people can't.
This was smart in a meta social sense because now you'll be known as the herpes guy, which is better than, you know, not being known as a contagion?Quote:
Originally Posted by givememyleg
Haha someone tagged my last post as "racist" through the reputation thing. I'd like to have a debate with that person... is it ok for black people to use that word? It is my belief that racism comes from the heart, it is how you feel about a race, it's not the words that you use to refer to them. I have no problem with n-words unless they happen to be an arsehole. One's skin colour is irrelevant. But I still make fun of anyone, whether it's a black person, white, yellow, purple, spastic, fat, ginger, female, myself, your mom, or my mom.
I think that people are too sensetive to the slightest hint of racism. We should challenge people's attitudes, not look to censor our vocabularies.
Anyone who thinks I'm racist is just fucking dumb, like most of society. Hitler was racist. I'm just a twat with a stupid sense of humour.