My dad's in a bad way.

Hey.
I'm really struggling with depression due to this damn quarantine and things are pretty hard.
That's not the point.


My dad's health is fading. He's lost his personality already and is more of a petulant teenager than the father I want to remember forever.
He's had multiple heart surgeries, and now his kidneys are failing.

Doctors wont do a kidney transplant because his mental faculties have slipped so far that they don't want to go through the trauma of surgery on him.

It fucking sucks.

Twice this year, someone had to call 911 to send paramedics to his house because he was unresponsive and twitching in his chair. Turns out both times, he'd forgotten if he took his meds (he had), so he took them again.
If no one was there at his house at the time, he'd have died alone.


I'm stuck at home 40 miles away and can't even visit him.

IDK what I want from you. IDK why I'm writing this.
My heart is broken, and I'm trying to stay positive, but I can't.


So if I'm a bit argumentative or otherwise crazy in other threads and conversations... that's why.

Please give me the benefit of the doubt for a while.

Aw man, that really sucks. Really sorry you're going through that. Don't worry about us, we're behind you.

Yeah, it really sucks. Maybe you can hire someone to take care of old man? Like, give some money to some person lives in his neighbourhood so the person will take care of him? My old man had a grave problems with alcohol so I payed to old lady next door so she would take care of him and call me when it was needed.

Life is shit sometimes.

Do things that make you think of your old man. Perhaps if you fill your time now with things that remind you of the man you know as your Father then maybe when you recall this time in the future, it won't be so painful. Do you share certain tastes in music? Perhaps you used to go fishing together at some lake. Anything that makes you think of happy times with your Father.

My pm box is open if you need to talk to someone in private.

Sorry to hear man, that sucks.

All your support helps. Thank you.

I needed to let that out. Today's been heavy so far, but I have a better perspective on it.

TY TY TY

Thank you for sharing. Your father has a great son who cares deeply for him.

Sorry to hear that.

Sucks to hear that you're having a rough go of it. Hope things get better.

I know you're quarantining, but are you still getting out for walks, etc? Obviously it's good to avoid unnecessary travel, but I think it's pretty crucial for most people to get a change of scenery, to see the world doing the things the world does, etc. I know it doesn't solve the issue that's bugging you, but simply taking your morning tea/coffee/smoothie outside and enjoying it while taking a walk around the block can help brighten your day.

Thanks again for the kind words, everyone.

***
You're right, Boost. That's what I would suggest to someone in my position, but I haven't been going out.

I will do that tomorrow. I know it will help. I just have to ignore the voice that says it's not going to help "much," as if that is either true or it matters.

TY

Nature is my safe place, especially the sea. If you have the sea or a lake within reach, I'd go for walks there. The woods also work, parks are better than nothing. And a protip, write a letter to your dad, all the things you'd want to tell him. You don't need to give it to him, just writing it is cathartic.

I took my morning coffee for a walk around the block.

It was great. It wasn't until I'd turned the 3rd corner that I even noticed the sky was absolutely beautiful, partly cloudy, 70 degrees and sunny. What a good change to be able to notice that.

By the end of that block, I saw someone sitting on a bench and I waved. lol. Their face screwed up like, "Why is that white guy waving at me?" but then they cautiously said, "Hello." and I replied "Good morning."

I had a human interaction that wasn't on the internet!!

As I rounded the 4th corner, I felt a little bit of weight lifting. It isn't a full fix, but I'm better than I would have been without the walk.


I told my gal this story, and we decided to take a walk together this evening.

Thanks so much, boost.

Ugh. I feel like the effort of picking myself up yesterday is having a rebound effect.

I'm struggling to not just be angry about everything, today.

Like I watched a music theory video about modes and I never really understand the need to put all those labels on things, but today, I was like, What's wrong with you? Can't you understand that it's not about this? It's about what feels right or sounds good, not about taking a feeling and writing math about it! ARGH ARGH ARGH!

Does this mean I'll be getting to use my Monkey Hitler meme more? Oh boy!

Hang in there man. You're going through a tough time, and it's normal to have your ups and downs. Try to find things you can do to keepyour mind busy. Exercise and outdoors are good ideas too, like others have said.

Grow something. I have four different tomatoes, chilli, pepper, potato, parsnip, garlic, strawberry, raspberry, apple, pear, cherry, and a few pots of dunno where I throw random seeds into some compost and see what happens. I actually look forward to getting up so I can go check them out. If I'm playing poker and getting agitated, I just turn it off and go check out the greenhouse. It's anti-depression medicine and tilt control and it's fun. I won't even eat most of the stuff, it'll mostly probably get turned into compost for next year. It's just something natural to do, something that reminds you life is intriguing and sometimes even wonderful.

And if you eat things like fucking parsnip, it saves you money. Bonus. I hate parsnip, it's horrible.