need a joke,take one. got a joke,leave one. (NSFW)

What's the difference between a woman in the army and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball

Q: What's the difference between a Pregnant women and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew the light bulb.

What's the difference between a Porcupine and a Porsche?
A Porcupine has pricks on the outside.


Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn

Why did the man walk around with his fly open?
Just in case he needed to count to eleven.


If dog food tastes so bad, why do dogs eat it?
To get rid of the taste of their dicks

What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave oven?
The Microwave doesn't brown the meat
.
What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 4 drinks.

Did you hear that O.J. Simpson is getting married again?
He wants to have another stab at it.

What do you call OJ Simpson, David Koresh, and Mike Tyson?
The butcher, the baker, the license plate maker

How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a lightbulb?
NONE! LET THE BITCH COOK IN THE DARK!


What did the first lesbian frog say to the second lesbian frog?
' Hmmm... We really do taste like chicken.'


What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a fireplace? Bernie.
An hour later? Ashley

A man and a woman were stranded in an elevator together and they knew they were gonna die. Then the woman turns to the man and says 'Make me feel like a woman before I die.' So he takes off his clothes and says 'Fold them!!'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven.

How many men does it take to mop the floor?
None, it's a woman's job!


What do you do when your wife tells you to replace a light bulb?|
Screw the bitch, she can do the dishes in the dark.

How are women like a postage stamps?
You lick 'em, stick 'em, and send them away.

How are women like floor tiles?
You lay 'em once and walk all over them the rest of your life.


What's the extra skin around the vagina called?
The woman.

Why do women get periods?
They deserve them.

How many men do you need to open a beer can?
None, the bitch who brings it should have opened it too.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
They don't have balls.

Why do women have orgasms?
It gives them something to moan about.

How are women like bowling balls?
You finger them, throw 'em down the gutter, and they come back for more.

Why did the woman have 2 black eyes?
She had to be told twice.

What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common?
1) They both cost about $100.
2) They both last about 30 seconds.
3) And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you're a dead man

Quote:

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Originally Posted by dick_pump

How are women like floor tiles?
You lay 'em once and walk all over them the rest of your life.

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This one made me LOL.

Why did god give women one more braincell than cow?
so when you squeeze their tits thy dont shit

What are three things a nigger can never have?
a fat lip, black eye and a job

How do you know its bedtime at the neverland ranch?
When the big hand touches the little hand

Remember the little black kid on the jettsons?






























The futures looking bright.

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag???

Ones white, made of plastic and dangerous to small children,

the other is a plastic bag.

What did the lady at the beach say to Michael Jackson?
- Excuse, me sir, i think you're in my SON!

How many Nebraska Cornhusker football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Just the one...but, he gets 3 hours college credit for it.

Greatest Polish inventions:
- Screen door for submarine
- Solar powered flashlights
- Helicopter ejection seat

What do you call 100,000 black men buried standing up?
- Afro-turf

What's the difference between Jews and canoes?
- Canoes tip

How did the Texas A&M Aggie break his arm?
- Fell out of a tree raking leaves

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs swimming in the river?
- Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your front door?
- Matt

Why did the blond get fired from the M&M factory?
- She kept throwing away the "W's."

(SFW)...Why did the little boy throw the clock out the window?
- He wanted to make time fly.

Equal Opportunity Offender...lets get some going.

What's the best part about having sex with twenty eight year olds?

There are twenty of them!

(ok, it works better out loud.)


What do you call a black guy who flies airplanes?

A pilot, you racist assholes.

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Originally Posted by Hawkfan79

What do you call a black guy who flies airplanes?

A pilot, you racist assholes.

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thats a great one!

No repeats pls :smile:

http://www.flopturnriver.com/phpBB2/...highlight=joke

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Originally Posted by Warpe

No repeats pls :smile:

http://www.flopturnriver.com/phpBB2/...highlight=joke

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hmm..didn't see that one...

good stuff in it.. i would of left mine in there.

OP was awesome

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Originally Posted by BankItDrew

OP was awesome

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I agree and I also liked Chopper's post.

NSFW baby jokes hahaha:

what is funnier than a dead baby?
a dead baby in a clown suit.

what is worse than finding 10 babies nailed to a tree?
finding one baby nailed to 10 trees.

whats red and white and sits in the corner screaming?
a peeled baby in a pile of salt.

whats green and hangs from the ceiling?
a baby on a meat hook.

whats the best thing about sleeping with a baby?
cracking it's pelvis.

whats the best thing about 5 year old girls?
once you've finished, you can just turn them over and think they're 5 year old boys.

whats the worst thing about sleeping with babies?
getting blood on your clown suit.

whats small, blue and doesn't like sex?
the toddler in my cupboard.

tyvm.

A Blonde walks into a library. She walks up to the librarian sitting at a desk and asks " Can I have a cheeseburger, coke, and fries please". The Librarian replies "Miss, this is a library?" The Blonde then whispers: "I'm so sorry! Can I have a cheesburger, coke and fries please"

What happens when you stick a baby in a blender?

i don't know i was too busy masturbating.


What's the hardest part about rollerblading?

telling your parents that you're gay.

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Originally Posted by Massimo

What's the hardest part about being a flute player?
telling your parents that you're gay.

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FYP

my parents only gave me one present as a kid, a plastic bag. They told me it was a diving helmet.

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.

' The next night he came home from work and yelled
' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled ' BELL 3!', they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'

'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?




'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

What's better than Roses on your Piano?
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Tulips on your Organ! LMAO!! :lol:

how do u get a fat woman into bed?

piece of cake

tulips... i get it. hahahahaaaaaaaa

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked.

The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope."

As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog."

On Independence Day 2009 a marine whose unit was withdrawn from Iraq following its third tour there, is on his first day of guard duty at the visitors' gate at the White House.

A man walks up to him and says,"I'm here to see President McCain."

Puzzled, the marine looks at him and says, "Mr. McCain was not elected president and he does not live or work here."

The man thanks him, turns and leaves.

The next day the man returns and says to the marine, "I'm here to see President McCain."

The marine again, more forcefully, tells him, "Mr. McCain was not elected president and he does not live or work here."

The man again thanks him, turns and leaves.

For the third day in a row the man returns and says to the same marine, "I'm here to see President McCain."

Somewhat exasperated, the marine says, "I've told you twice already that Mr. McCain was not elected president, that he does not live or work here. Do you understand that Barack Obama is president?"

The man replies, "Oh, yes I really do understand. But I am just so pleased to hear a marine say it."

The marine salutes and said, "Sir, I'll see you tomorrow!"

I get no respect...No respect at all I tell ya.
The other day I met this couple you know. This guys wife was ugly I tell ya.
(How ugly was she?)
You wanna know how ugly she was?
(Yeah!)
She was so fkng ugly that on Halloween when she opens the door, the kids give her the candy! She was ugly I tell ya!

r.i.p. Rodney Dangerfield.

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.""Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically."What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks."No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk To ask what it was.The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.""Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked?"Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"The blond replied..... ..."Two popsicles and some coffee."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by dick_pump

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

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LOL

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and hits the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young sons' innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."
To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

What's the difference between Heather Mills and a Venus fly-trap?
A Venus fly-trap is a plant. Heather Mills is a cunt.

My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me, "oi, what's your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes, now fuck off you cunt!"

What's the biggest cause of paedophilia in this country?
Sexy kids.

Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are taken. So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.

We call our grandad "Spiderman".
He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little shit!"
A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny's bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to.
Little Johnny smiles, "It's not so fucking funny when it's your Mum, is it?"

Apparently 60% of kids are overweight, and 70% of kids are having underage sex...
...so who is shagging all the fat kids?

A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up,
She said I have to stop wanking,
When I asked why, she said "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.
Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"
Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!!!"

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, "You're going to get laid tonight".
A bit surprised, she asks, "Really? How do you know that? Are you psychic?"
"No, I'm just stronger than you".

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out.. he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy"...
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

A Catholic priest and a rabbi are walking down the street one day when they see a pair of angelic-looking 12-year-old boys playing football in the park.
The priest turns to the rabbi, nudges him in the ribs and says:
"I tell you what; lets go and screw those boys"
The rabbi looked at him curiously and answered:
"Out of what?"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by dick_pump

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

---

Ban Please RACISM!!!!
Just Kidding!! :wink: GREAT JOKE! :D
I have heard it MANY times and I STILL love it!! HAHA! :lol:

MAKING A BABY

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon. "Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "'Well, that's good. Did you know that babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
Mrs. Smith thought to herself, "'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it." said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus he said." "Oh my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes," the photographer replied, "and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long." Mrs. Smith fainted.

What do peanut butter, real butter, a prostitute, jelly, jam and margarine all have in common?
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They all 'spread' for bread.

A teacher in Elmira, New York, who is a Obama supporter, asked her 4th grade class,
'How many of you are Obama fans?' Not really knowing what a Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands, except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different. Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not a Obama fan.' The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Obama fan?' Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.' The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican , so I'm a Republican'. Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, ‘that would make me a Obama fan.'

Quote:

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Originally Posted by triumphant cracker

A teacher in Elmira, New York, who is a Obama supporter, asked her 4th grade class,
'How many of you are Obama fans?' Not really knowing what a Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands, except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different. Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not a Obama fan.' The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Obama fan?' Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.' The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican , so I'm a Republican'. Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, ‘that would make me a Obama fan.'

---

LMAO!! Good One!! :lol:

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man.
"If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got
any money!"
And she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
It wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you
have at
least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway
carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
From your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said,

"Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this
morning."

Why females should avoid a curfew on girls night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. However she is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, ......................................"Picabo, ICU".

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was
for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while
a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.....

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were
told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them
would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of
spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no
reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the
priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.


Poor Carlos.


As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off,
clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.


Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.


He bent over to pick it up.........and all the other bells started to ring.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially two shiny walls that could move apart, and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady, limping slightly, and with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls, and presses a button. The walls opened, and the lady walks between them, into a small room. The walls closed.

The boy and his father watched as small circles of lights with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up, in reverse direction now. The walls opened up again, and a beautiful young blonde stepped out...

The father said to his son, "GO GET YOUR MOTHER!!!"

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slu...v=ap&type=lgns

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ProZachNation

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=ap-cansecosentenced&prov=ap&type=lgns

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doh!!

How do you get two hundred cows into a barn?
Put up a bingo sign.

Why did man create alcohol?
So ugly girls could have sex too.

What's the difference between a nun praying and a nun in the bath?
One's got hope in her soul..........

What is the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


and one for the clever people....

There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those that understand binary and those that don't.

A vicar checks in to a hotel and asks the receptionist ‘ I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled’

‘No Sir’ says the receptionists, ‘It’s just regular you sick bastard!’

What happened to Dick Pump???

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks,
Bartender, got any specials today?'
Bartender answers, 'Yes, as a matter of
Fact we have a new drink, invented by
A gynecologist patron of ours.
It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka.'
The guy asks, 'Good grief, what
do you call that?'


The bartender replied,
'It's a 'Pabst Smir.'

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
>
> I am passing this on to you because it definitely works,
> and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
>
> By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you
> too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, 'The way
> to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have
> started and have never finished.'
>
> So, I looked around my house to see all the things I
> started and hadn't finished, and before the morning was
> over I finished off a bottle of Jack Daniels, a bottle of
> Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder
> of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake,
> some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.
>
> You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Pass
> this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner
> peace.

great thread imo

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Chelle

great thread imo

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[ ] Left Joke

Quote:

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Originally Posted by swiggidy

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Chelle

great thread imo

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[ ] Left Joke

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There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."

:)

:clap: :clap: :clap:

chelle...that..was a good one.

So a man walks into a bar and sees a dog licking his balls. He looks at the bar tender and says "Man, wish I could do that." Bartender says "I suggest you pet him first"

Very funny joke Chelle. Welcome to the forum.

Chelle>Spoon imo. :p

Oh ya i need to leave one.

I read this one a few weeks ago. Its not that great but rules are rules.

Red neck vacation.
Billy Bob and Luther were talking when Billy Bob tells
Luther: Ya know, I reckon I'm bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years I took your advice about wheere to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. So i went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got
pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti, and darned if Earline
didn't get pregnant again.

Luther asks Billy Bob: So what you gonna do this year that's
different?

Billy Bob says: This year I'm taking Earline with me.

WHAT'S FOR SALE ???

Two Mexican businessmen in Texas were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and asked what we're selling?

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough,a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said,'You doing velly well, only two left!'

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

A LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music andanything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird andput him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language andactions.I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions andI fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude andunforgivable behavior."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramaticchange in his behavior,
the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

Q. Why don't blind people skydive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

chelle, you're sig is sooo cute!

Q Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar

Q What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at halfmast?
A. They're hiring

Q What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp

Q Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'

Q What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'

Q Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States

Night Befo Crizzmus Wus da night afo' Crizzmus, and all thru da hood, everybody be sleepin' and da sleepin' be good.We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck, dat dear Ol' Obama's, gunna brang us our checks. All of da family, was ly'in on the flow, my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe.Ashtrays was all full , empty beer cans and all, when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, it must be da law". I pulled the sheet off da windoe and what I'ze could see, I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrent fo' me.But what did I see, made me say, "Laaawd look at dat". dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-ass rats. Now over all of da years, Santy Claws he be white, but it looks like us brotha's, got a black un' tonight.
Faster than a poe'lice car, my homeboy he came, and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name. On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who?, On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.Obama landed dat melon, right there in da street, I knowed it fo' sho', - can you believe that Sh'eet!. Dat Santy didn't need no chimney, he picked da lock on my doe, an I sez to myself, "Son o' bitch...he don did dis befoe"!He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck? Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun my neck. But he left me no presents, just started stealin my shit. He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit,Den, wif my crap in his bag, out da windoe he flew, I sho' woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too. He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch, and waz gone in two seconds, "democrat son of a bitch".
So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git, 'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a shit !!!!

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,

'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is goin to be my lucky day!'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast
implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost

from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.


This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough,
because women are always complaining about men staring

at their breasts and not listening to them.

Two guys in a pub. One says to the other:

"I fucked your Mum last night. Gave her a right good seeing to. She sucked my knob, gave me a tit wank, let me fuck her doggystyle, even let me do her up the arse. Then I came in her mouth and all over her face."
>>>

>>>

>>>


Other bloke says:

"Dad, can we go home now?, I think you've had too much to drink"

there's these two gays, naked in their bedroom. after a bout of sex they call a pizza for delivery and get back down to business. Just as they're about to cum, the doorbell goes, one of the gays stands up and says "you better not cum! I'll be right back baby" he goes downstairs to answer the door and returns with the pizza to see cum all over the walls and the ceiling, he says to his lover, "what the fuck, I told you not to cum!" the other gay says, "I didn't... I farted"

that is a joke which will make some people laugh and others chuckle awkwardly.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Ash256

there's these two gays, naked in their bedroom. after a bout of sex they call a pizza for delivery and get back down to business. Just as they're about to cum, the doorbell goes, one of the gays stands up and says "you better not cum! I'll be right back baby" he goes downstairs to answer the door and returns with the pizza to see cum all over the walls and the ceiling, he says to his lover, "what the fuck, I told you not to cum!" the other gay says, "I didn't... I farted"

---

hahahahahahahahahaha

its perfect. its a gay joke, a fart joke, and surprise gross-out joke all in one.

...

WINTER BLONDE
>
> As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of
> her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
> The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and
> you are losing some of your load."
> The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
> When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She
> jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
> Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the
> blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are
> losing some of your load!"
> Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
> street.

Two guys, one an old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.



The old timer says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's O.k. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she's 24 years old, blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, and a halter top w/no bra. What does you wife look like?"



The old timer says....."Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.. The husband
picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you
think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24
cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the
wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face
cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks
the husband. 'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies
the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by WillburForce

Two guys in a pub. One says to the other:

"I fucked your Mum last night. Gave her a right good seeing to. She sucked my knob, gave me a tit wank, let me fuck her doggystyle, even let me do her up the arse. Then I came in her mouth and all over her face."
>>>

>>>

>>>


Other bloke says:

"Dad, can we go home now?, I think you've had too much to drink"

---

laughed so hard at this lol

Three blokes are walking along the beach and notice a mermaid sitting on a rock swishing her tail back and forth in the foam. The first man wades out to her and says 'hello mermaid! Have you ever been kissed?'

She replies, 'No sir!' So he kisses her strongly and asks 'Did you like that?' 'oh, indeed i did!' she replies.

Then the second man paddles out and asks ' mermaid, have you ever had your breasts fondled?' ' no sir!' she tells him. So he fondles her boobs, then asks , 'how did you like that?' She tells him, 'It was most pleasurable!'

Finally, the third bloke takes his turn to wade out and asks her, 'mermaid have you ever been fucked?' 'No sir!' she replies. And he says, 'well you have been now because the tides gone out!'

Three blondes wash up on an island. Before them appear a genie who will grant them each 1 wish.

The first blonde says "I wish to be smarter." So the genie turns her into a brunette and she swims off the island.

The second blonde says "I wish to be smarter than her," meaning the first blonde (now brunette). So the genie turns the second one into a red-head, she builds a boat and rows off the island.

The last blonde says "I wish I were smarter than both of them put together!" The genie thinks for a while and then turns the last blonde into a man and he walks across the bridge.


...who cares if this joke is old! There is still truth to it!!! :|

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Dueces88

Three blondes wash up on an island. Before them appear a genie who will grant them each 1 wish.

The first blonde says "I wish to be smarter." So the genie turns her into a brunette and she swims off the island.

The second blonde says "I wish to be smarter than her," meaning the first blonde (now brunette). So the genie turns the second one into a red-head, she builds a boat and rows off the island.

The last blonde says "I wish I were smarter than both of them put together!" The genie thinks for a while and then turns the last blonde into a man and he walks across the bridge.


...who cares if this joke is old! There is still truth to it!!! :|

---

Nice

A little white boy was watching his mother in the kitchen making a chocolate cake from scratch. While the mother had her head turned, the little white boy went to the table, dipped both hands in the chocolate frosting and covered his face with it.

The mother turned around to see what the boy was doing and said, “Boy, what the hell are you doing?”

The son gleefully replied, “Look Mama! I’m black!!!”

The mother became enraged and slapped the crap out of her son. She then said “Boy, go show your father what you’ve done!”

The boy then walked into the den where his father was reading and said, “Look Daddy! I’m black!!!”

The father put his magazine down and had a very puzzled look on his face from seeing the chocolate on the boy’s face. The father said, “Come here, boy!” The boy came to him and the father smacked his son across his head. The father angrily said, “Now go show your grandpa what you’ve done!!!”

The boy then slowly walked to his grandpa who was on the porch and said, “Um….Grandpa. Look what I did. I’m black now.” The grandfather said gruffly “COME HERE, BOY!”

The grandfather took the boy over his knee and proceeded to spank him. “That’ll teach you! Now go back in the kitchen with your mama!!”

The boy walks back in the kitchen and the mother said, “I hope you’ve learned your lesson, young man!”

The boy says with a scowl on his face, “Hell yeah! I’ve been black for 5 minutes and I hate you white people already!”

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:

Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Herman's Hermits ---Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker .
Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From My Depends.
The Bee Gees -- - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores ---Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba --- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And Last but NOT least
Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again

A bloke pops into his local for a quick drink after work. At the bar there's a smelly old tramp in a stained overcoat.

"'Ere, buy us a drink will you?" Says the tramp? Absolutely not says the bloke. He takes his pint and sits down.

Twenty minutes later he's finished his pint and decides he's got time for another. The old tramp is still there. "Go on guv', buy us a drink". "No I'm not buying you a drink, leave me alone". Once again he takes his drink from the bar and sits down.

This happens twice more, as the guy continues drinking. He's had a few by now as he approaches the bar.

"Alright, how about this" says the tramp. "I've got a ferret here. This ferret gives the best blowjob in the world. Seriously you will not believe what this animal is capable of, it's incredible. Spectacular! I'll give you a free trial, if you like it, you can keep the ferret, you just have to buy me a drink."

By now the guy's a bit tipsy. He thinks for a moment, before saying "yeah alright then". He takes the ferret off the tramp and drunkenly staggers into the toilet. And it's incredible. The most amazing, toe curling, phenomenal orgasmic experience of his life. He can't believe it!

He rushes out of the loo and gives the tramp £50. "That's amazing, thank you so much mate, you've made my day. I'd have a drink with you, but I've got to get home, I'm late now."

He dashes out of the loo and runs home. Unfortunately with all the drinking and animal blowjobs he's late home and his wife is standing in the doorway waiting for him.

"Where the hell have you been?!" she cries. "You're two hours late, what are you playing at?!"

"Look!" replies the man, holding up his new rodent. "I've got a ferret!"

"A ferret!?" she screams. "What am I going to do with a ferret?!"

"Teach it to cook and fuck off!"

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and
order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings
the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid
of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two
beady little eyes looking around before the lid
slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her
husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He
reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees
two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains
what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking
Duck

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles

have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension




2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much




4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!





'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.