Originally Posted by
Chelle
It's weird to be completely integrated after pretty much all my life hearing different voices in my head. As of early August I'm 100% 1 identity.
Even though I'm scared of fucking up and shit [massive fear of failure], I'm excited about getting into school. It's also weird to have to push yourself to deal with emotions and not just push them away, because I know if I was to start doing that again, I'd end up where I was. I feel cheesy when I say this, but every day is some fucked up battle of my old self VS me now. Old self was scared to speak up in fear of someone possibly getting offended, new self is more scared of me not speaking up and making sure I don't get ran over. I don't want to be rude to people, but I also will not let someone think for one moment they can be disrespectful towards me for no reason.
I go to therapy on the weekly basis, still, and now I'm dealing with PTSD and anxiety more-so than anything else. When I told my therapist about how I've completely integrated, she was so happy and nearly cried. To think that I did all of these profound steps in my mental health without the 'help' of medication is crazy to me, but I'm so glad that I did. Looking back it's such a strange thing that I used to be such a shambled person that was rarely -me-, I was all these different versions of myself.
Now the only problem I have to really 100% get under control is the seizures, but all I have to do with that is keep my anxiety under control. I've also noticed that my anger is fucking insane. I'm quick to get pissed, but I've learned how to bring myself down without flipping my shit on someone, even if they need to be flipped out on. Meditation is something that's helped me more than I realize, and even though I fought like hell to not do it when I was first being taught, and I fucking HATED doing it, I'm glad I did. Part of me feels like it was 100% completely unfair to the people around me that they had to see me like that, that they had to interact with me when I was at such a low point mentally and physically. I'm glad they were, and I'm also glad that I was able to crash land and build myself completely back up with tid-bits of knowledge they gave me, I.E. meditation and breathing.
So, thanks spoon, sorry I was such a cunt at the end.
In othernews - I'm doing a photoshoot Saturday and I'm nervous because I'mma be doing pin-up boudoir with weird alien makeup or something, idk. Either way, I'm nervouuuuus.