Quote:
Now I will focus on ways to reduce denial, although it can never be eliminated. We all deny reality to protect our egos.
Robert Andersson stimulated this article by sending me a Personal Message. "Here at the forum a lot of people ask for advice. We want to know how to play this or that hand or ask for opinions on other subjects. I just thought that the most important thing when you ask for advice is to be open to the answers you're getting."
I could not agree more, but countless posters are not asking for information. They really want confirmation. Instead of sincerely wanting to improve their game or their understanding of another subject, they want to be told: "You're right."
For example, a recent poster seemed to be asking a question: "Why are people so cheap?" But he was really just ranting about an extremely generous friend. Several people told him, "You're wrong," and he rejected their opinions. I told him, "You're not listening to what people are trying to tell you." Dozens of additional people tried to help him to see the truth, but he never admitted it. In fact, his final post said that we were all idiots.
His position was an extreme example of refusing to accept other people's advice, but he really wasn't looking for it. He just wanted to rant. Others whine about bad luck and losing streaks, insist that they are playing well, and reject -- sometimes angrily -- criticisms of their play or suggestions about how to improve it.
The desire to rant, whine, or appeal for sympathy is a major factor -- sometimes the only factor -- causing many comments we see on our forums and hear in card rooms. Far too many people claim to want to improve their game or to learn something else, but really just want to express their frustrations and preserve their delusions.
Of course, it's not an either-or situation. Our minds are not open or closed; they vary between almost completely closed to almost completely open. Note that I said "almost," because hardly anyone is completely open- or closed-minded.
That poster who called us idiots was extremely closed-minded, but he might suddenly realize that he is wrong. A well-trained, dedicated scientist will try to keep his mind open, but can't help looking at information in a somewhat biased way. He will often give more weight to information that supports his pet theories than to conflicting data. This tendency is particularly significant in psychology and other social sciences. Our data are much "softer" than they are in the physical sciences, giving us more freedom to misinterpret them.
Let's represent degrees of open-mindedness by using a continuous scale. Zero represents completely seeking confirmation with a closed mind, while ten is the opposite extreme, seeking information with an open mind.
Our motives and moods affect where we stand on that scale. When we are angry, depressed, feeling sorry for ourselves, or in some other emotional state, we would probably be toward the closed-minded end of the scale. When we are sincerely interested in learning, our minds open up, and we seek new information.
Your goal should be to move toward greater openness, to try for the objectivity that characterizes good researchers. Try to conduct informal "research" about an important subject such as how to play a hand, overcome a bad habit, or learn a new skill.
The conflict between the desire to get good information and to preserve our ego-protecting delusions never ends. Usually, I want to learn, but sometimes my other motives get in the way. For example, I often discuss hands with friends, and they try to help me. Since they play better than I do, I should shut up and listen, but I occasionally find myself "explaining" my actions. "You don't understand. I raised because...."
Sometimes, I really am explaining, but frequently I am just defending myself. I don't want to admit to them or to myself how badly I misplayed a hand. Why do I do it? Because, being human, I naturally want to deny my mistakes.
You probably do the same sort of thing. In fact, we usually have mixed motives whenever we discuss something serious. Now that the problem has been defined, let's discuss ways to reduce it.
Keep Your Mind Open
Robert said it very well: "The most important thing when you ask for advice is to be open to the answers you're getting." Look at the evidence dispassionately. What does it say?
The poster who insisted that we were all idiots was obviously closed-minded. If dozens of people say he is wrong, and only he thinks he is right, he is almost certainly wrong. The same principle applies to you. For example, if you post a hand, and most people -- especially the better players -- say you misplayed it, you probably did.
Look Critically at Your Own Actions And Motives
Constantly ask yourself, "Why did I say or do that?" You will often realize that you are trying to defend your ego, not learn. Whenever you realize that you're being defensive, stop doing it.
Don't Explain Or Defend Your Position
Do not say why you acted in a certain way. Never say, "Yes, but..." First, it will close your mind and prevent you from hearing what people are saying. Second, it will reduce the flow of information. People may feel that you are defensive and stop commenting or start arguing with you. You will learn much more if you just listen.
After reading a draft of this article, a friend said, "I'm not sure I agree ... Isn't the whole point of a discussion to have a back-and-forth interchange? Otherwise, the conversation is completely one-sided. I think it is okay to defend or explain your position as long as you listen openly to the responses."
He has a good point, but I have serious doubts about defending your position. I think you will learn more by just listening because defensiveness is so common and destructive. However, if you can have an open-minded interchange, you may learn even more. So I'll have to fall back on that old rule, "It depends." If, but only if, you can keep your mind open while explaining your position, it's okay to do it. If you're not sure you can do both, just shut up and listen.
Don't Search for Confirming Opinions
Because people have different opinions, you may be tempted to go "shopping" for confirmation. Let's say I ask Mason and David about a hand, and they say, "Al, you misplayed it." Their opinions should be enough to convince me. Unfortunately, if I'm defensive, I might ask for some more opinions, and I might look for people who I expect to agree with me. If I ask enough people, I can probably find someone -- perhaps a weak player -- who tells me exactly what I want to hear: "Alan, that's just the way I would have played it."
Aha! I've gotten the confirmation I need to protect my ego, but I have also reinforced my own denial. Even if five experts say I'm wrong, and only one weak player supports me, I have support for my denial. I wish I never went confirmation shopping, but I have done it occasionally. You have probably done it too. If the first one or two people you consult say you're wrong, stop shopping, accept reality, and learn from your mistake.
Listen Actively and Visibly
It works best in face-to-face conversations, but some of its techniques can be used on our forums and elsewhere. Listening is not the same as just sitting there, doing nothing. It is an active, visible process that communicates to others, "I am really trying to understand you."
Active listening techniques have been discussed in hundreds of places, and you should learn more about them. Now I will just summarize a few of the main points.
Concentrate. Let your entire manner communicate that you are taking the other person's comments seriously. You are not just waiting for him to pause so that you can talk (and perhaps say how wrong he is).
Take notes. Taking notes supports the impression that you are trying to learn, helps you to remember whatever is said, and makes it easier to see patterns.
Maintain eye contact. Look people right in the eye, but do it in a non-challenging way. Let your eyes show that you respect the other person and are trying hard to understand him.
Restate points in your own words. Show that you are trying hard to understand. Paraphrase remarks and then ask, "Is that what you mean?" One or both of you will sometimes realize that the message you heard is not the one he sent. Then he can try again.
Look for patterns. Try to go beyond the specific comments and relate them to larger issues. For example, a critique of the way you played one hand may suggest something about your basic style and weaknesses. You can then discuss other hands or your general approach to poker to find a consistent weakness.
Ask for specific examples. If you're discussing just one hand, there is no need to ask, but if you are talking about more general subjects, you need specifics. For example, if someone tells you that you are too loose, ask for hands you played loosely. If you are told that you don't check-raise often enough, ask when you should have done it and how you can recognize future opportunities.
Say "Thanks"
Let people know that you appreciate their help and honesty. Say, "Thanks," when you finish, and let your entire manner communicate your gratitude. If people believe that you really appreciate their help, they will offer more of it. Conversely, if they think you are defensive or unappreciative, they will either turn off or argue with you.
Final Remarks
These principles apply to virtually all attempts to get help. They should be used whenever you post on our forums, discuss hands with your buddies, ask for coaching from an expert, and so on. The critical element is exactly the one Robert identified: We need to keep our minds open.
If we keep them open and actively seek information, we can reduce denial's destructive effects and grow as players and as people. Conversely, if we close our minds, we will continue to deny reality and to make the same old mistakes.
©2005 by Alan N. Schoonmaker, Ph.D., All Rights Reserved.
