Meet Mike. Mike was pretty much a loser. 28 years old, balding, stuck in a dead end job in a call centre, grinding out a shitty living day by day. His love life was pathetic. The only girls he ever got near were those who would join the call centre where he spent his miserable days and go again a few weeks later, or get picked up by some cooler hipper co-worker before he'd worked up the courage to even say hello. Mike would get out of bed, go to work, come home, watch relaity tv and those terrible fucking quiz shows you get really late at night where people phone in to win $40, and then go to sleep.
Mike had a girlfriend for a few weeks once, but she fucked his brother and his best friend before leaving him for someone else. As a result of that and the general way his life was going, he lacked motivation, confidecne and self belief. He was moron, an over sensitive moron with the personality of a scared child in a big mean world. Every time some guy pushed past him in the canteen queue or called him a fag in the street, he'd go crazy. Start trying to lecture the guy about how horrible a person he was, and how he hoped the guy's mom would die etc etc. This had gotten him a good few beatings because as you can maybe guess by now, Mike couldn't fight for shit. It didn't matter though, he couldn't let anything lie. The anger and self hatred, all the insecurities, they had to be taken out on the nearest person who thretened him in any way. Mike was a total dick, noone liked him and he didn't like himself. He didn't deserve a new girlfriend or a better job or a new car because he put fuck all into his life and got fuck all out in return.
One day, Mike was on his way to work, plodding along staring at the ground as usual. Then something smacked him on the head. He jolted upright with a leer and shouted "what the fuck!" in his dweebish pathetic little voice.
"Hey you, you fucking piece of shit. I had sex with your dad last night, it was awesome!"
Came the reply. To his amazement an Ogre loomed over him. It sat on top of the same wall he'd walked past every day for the last 6 years. Huge and white, it growled at him with giant yellow teeth the size of tennis balls.
"Yeah what the hell you lookin' at buddy? Get a life man, you're a loser. Look at that stupid worn out shirt and that ugly haircut. Bet you haven't been laid in years, you ugly shit!"
Mike was speechless. The anger welled up inside him, he knew better than to start a fight with this thing though. It's finger could give him the worst left hook of his life.
"Wh-wh-what are you?"
He tremored.
"I'm a badass Ogre yo and you're a retard. Hurry the hell up or you'll be late for your dead end job."
Mike started edging slowly back the way he'd came, too scared to walk right under where the Ogre loomed. Just when he thought he was safe out of harms way......THUD! Something smacked him on the back. When he turned round to see what the Ogre had thrown at him, he was in utter disbelief. Not a stone nor a log, but a wad of cash. $400 dollars to be precise and upon counting it he actually felt excitement for the first time in many years.
"You know where to find me dipshit. Get your virgin ass a hooker you ugly cunt."
The words still hurt, but it was hard to get so pissed off now he held $400 in his hands. Work flew by that day. He even chatted to the new ginger temp girl he could only stare creepily at the day before.
When Mike walked to work the next day, sure enough the Ogre was there again. Hurling insults, stones, spitting bile in his face, calling him a filthy rapist or a moron. Despite the insults and the Ogre's terrible attitude, it produced $400 again. Then the day after that and the day after that the pattern continued.
Eventually the insults lost their sting and the money felt better and better. Mike joined a gym, quit his terrible job, met a new girlfriend and hoarded an excess of dollas. Eventually came a new car, a new flat, some swanky new suits and the life style of his dreams. All thanks to this Ogre. This ugly grizzly abusive Ogre that almost tipped him over the edge the first time he met it. Everytime Mike was on facebook, he'd see conversations about himself. All his old friends sharing stories about how successful he was, how he couldn't give a fuck what anyone thought of him because he knew inside he was the shit.
He sat one day in his swimming pool, drinking rum with his new fiance. He pondered what a total fag he used to be before he met the Ogre. He realised his shitty atittude and tendency to get butthurt over everything anyone ever said to him had probably caused him to miss out on loads more oppertinities to be happy, way before he even met the Ogre. He only wished he'd stopped being such a little bitch sooner. That was his only regret.
Mike woke up one bright summer morning, turned to the one night stand in his bed, fucked her and then went to see the Ogre. He had a present for the fucker, a huge toothbrush he'd got specially built by a weird Japanese company online. As he approached and the Ogre hurled a rock at his face, he swatted it away like a true pro.
"Hey Ogre!"
He shouted.
"I got you something man. Thanks for everything."
The Ogre took the toothbrush from him and slowly looked it over in his big grey hands.
"Thanks for everything buddy, I want you to have this toothbrush, you're always picking your teeth and spitting out horrible Ogre spit, maybe this'll help. Seriously, you made me realise I used to be a butthurt egotstical fag with nothing to even be egotistical about. Thanks so much."
The Ogre just turned to look at him and said:
"Don't sweat it bra."
Turns out the Ogre wasn't a total dick after all. And hey, even if he was, if you ask Mike whether he cared how much of a dick the Ogre was I'm sure you can guess what he'd tell you.
Mike's a balla now. Remember, just because you're a moron right now, it doesn't mean you'll always be.
