The Preseason Television Viewing Experience
It's 7 a.m., the baby is awake, and you tune into NFL Network hoping to see Total Access so you can get caught up on injuries and transactions. But Total Access isn't on. All summer, when there was nothing to talk about but Marshall Faulk's golf swing, NFLN ran the show eight times per morning. Now, with news happening fast, they cannot take time out of their busy schedule of preseason replays to provide an hour of news. So you watch the out-of-town, non-network broadcast. And you realize that while network broadcasts can be bad, regional broadcasts are downright brutal. In fact, they sound something like this:
Overenthusiastic Local Announcer: Hello fans, and welcome to exciting preseason action between the Home Team and the Opponent here on the Homer Television Network. That's right: The NFL allows the teams to produce and control their local preseason telecasts, which makes for high-caliber, unbiased analysis and tons of home team promotion. Joining me in the booth is Obscure Jock, who isn't good enough to be a network color columnist but was hand-picked by the team because he's so obsequious.
Obscure Jock: I'm thrilled to be here and can't wait for the hard-hitting action! Home Team has had an amazing training camp, and they really want to build momentum to carry into what's sure to be an excellent regular season. Coaches told me that Veteran Quarterback has been very sharp in camp, and he'll get one or two series to show his stuff.
OLA: Thanks, Jock. Home Team has won the toss. Back deep is Rookie Receiver. The kick goes to the 5-yard line. Rookie takes it, makes a move, doubles back, and gets hit at the 19-yard line.
OJ: You see some of the moves that kid has. He's dynamic, a real playmaker. Look how he makes the first defender almost miss. He's going to add an element to the Home Team that they lacked last year. Not the Home Team is ever truly lacking, mind you.
OLA: Veteran Quarterback takes the ball on first-and-10. The give is to Free Agent Running Back off tackle. Free Agent is tackled for no gain. Jock, what are your impressions of Free Agent?
OJ: I can't say enough about him. He's explosive. He reminds me a lot of Jerry Rice.
OLA: Rice was a wide receiver.
OJ: That's just it. He's one of those guys who transcends positions and labels.
OLA: Veteran Quarterback's second-down pass is incomplete. Fans, a Personal Seat License isn't just your only way to get season tickets. It's a great way to show your neighbors that you have a higher credit rating than they do! And with the real estate market in the tank and the stock market shaky, calling them an "investment" is only mildly ridiculous. Guarantee your spot on the Home Team waiting list by buying a PSL for the new stadium. Call now. Usurers are standing by.
OJ: Third-and-long and we have Rookie Receiver in the slot. The coaches told me they really want to get him the ball in space.
OLA: Flag before the snap. False start, Disappointing Second-Year Tackle. It's third-and-15.
OJ: Disappointing gave up a few sacks last year. Well, he gave up 20, but that's an unofficial stat. He really rededicated himself in training camp, and coaches can't stop gushing about how he's improved. Yeah, he jumped there, but Veteran Quarterback has that tricky cadence, and sometimes it throws off the offense instead of the defense. Anyway, I like Disappointing's eagerness to get out of his stance and wham somebody.
OLA: Veteran drops to pass, he's under a rush. Fires over the middle. Incomplete, well over the head of Rookie Receiver. Time to bring on the punter, after we see to the injured Home Team player on the field.
OJ: I think there was some pass interference there that wasn't called. Check the replay. Yep, look at Rookie Receiver at the end of this route, he gets bumped. The refs just missed that one. It should be first down for the home team.
OLA: But wasn't than an uncatchable ball?
OJ: Excuse me?
OLA: Well, the ball was 10 yards over the receiver's head. And that contact was ticky-tack. Overall, that wasn't a very good series.
(Pause)
OJ: Producers, we have a Code Red in the booth. Get him!
OLA: No! Wait!
(Sounds of a struggle)
Different Local Announcer: Ahem. Is this headset working? OK, It's fourth down and the totally awesome, infallible Home Team is about to punt.
OJ: The coaches told me they wanted to get a long look at the punt units in this game. After all, the roster is so stacked that the only real way to make the squad is on special teams.
DLA: That's very true. Hey fans, here's your chance to own a part of the new stadium! Purchase your very own paving stone on the Home Team's Walk of Glory. You can engrave the 3- by 5-inch stone with your name, or the name of a loved one, assuming that the name is short enough to fit on the stone. Fans will walk, spit, and puke on your stone as they finish their final beers on the way to the stadium. It's your chance to help a multi-millionaire finance his vanity project. So instead of plunking down money on a stone to fund that Korean War memorial in your own town square, spend far more to purchase 15 square inches of a soulless suburban bowl you can only afford to visit once every five years.
OJ: The injured player is Pro Bowl Lineman. He's being helicoptered off the field, but I don't think it's serious. You hate to lose a guy like that, but the coaches are convinced that Disappointing Second Year Tackle is ready to slide over to the left side to take his place.
DLA: We finally get to punt. The kick is returned for a touchdown! Wait, there's a flag: Roughing the punter. Fifteen yards and a first down.
OJ: Good call by the coaching staff. You're backed up against your own end zone, so why not expose your punter to injury, let him take one for the team, and you get a free first down. I was really impressed by our coverage units on that play, too. They were really flying around, almost making tackles.
DLA: First-and-10. Veteran Quarterback drops back, fires, and completes a 16-yard pass to Rookie Receiver. First down! Jock, are you OK?
OJ: Oh, that's so good. Yes, first down. (Panting). Don't stop. Keep driving, keep driving. You're so awesome, Home Team, it's so exciting, yes... yes...
DLA: Um, Jock?
OJ: Yes! Oh my God yes! We're winning the Super Bowl! Yes! Five Super Bowls! One for the thumb! Going undefeated! Rewrite the record books! Cramming... Lombardi Trophy... up Mercury Morris'... keester... sigh.
DLA: Jock, that was a little...
OJ: Premature? Don't judge me. Wait until you're my age.
DLA: Fair enough. Hey fans, the Home Team Carnival for Diphtheria kicks off this Sunday. It's a great event for the kids. Stand in line for hours to shake hands with a backup linebacker. Enjoy the Virtual Football Experience, which involves running through tires and throwing a football at a cardboard cutout. Ogle the players' wives; even the linemen's wives are pretty hot! Visit the memorial to honor the workers who lost their lives during construction of the new stadium. And best of all, pick up a PSL or buy a walkway paver! Just don't forget where you heard about it: here on the Homer Television Network!
OJ: I need a cigarette. Is it halftime yet?
Courtesy of footballoutsiders.com
