Relationship/Money Question

[wufwugy]

she probably could have been more perceptive for sure.


here's what would have made him the good guy and her the bad guy: if he were to tell her "i dont have the ambition you want from me because im already loaded. i dont like spending money and i dont care what people think of me. if you want to be with a guy like this, then you can. if you don't, then get out". this addressing of the problem clearly and head on would make him the good guy.

then what would have most likely happened is she would have tried to stay, saying that she's okay with his decision. but somewhere down the road she would try to change him. this is what would make her the bad guy. it would mean that she is secretly going against the wishes he made clear.

[NightGizmo]

here's what would have made him the good guy and her the bad guy: if he were to tell her "i dont have the ambition you want from me because im already loaded. i dont like spending money and i dont care what people think of me. if you want to be with a guy like this, then you can. if you don't, then get out". this addressing of the problem clearly and head on would make him the good guy.

Psht, in some idealistic impossible world where everyone is rational and all outcomes are just, this might work.

In the real world -- the guy has to consider the risk that marrying the wrong woman can cost him a lot of money. And broadcasting his income information too early can cause a woman to stick around for the wrong reasons (incentive bias is very, very strong). Even if that doesn't turn into marriage and a risk of losing money, it carries a risk of wasting even more time with someone that doesn't actually share your same values.

Anyway, sharing his income information required a certain level of trust that his girlfriend never reached. He has every right to decide what level of trust is required and to make a decision that someone doesn't meet that level.

[wufwugy]

Psht, in some idealistic impossible world where everyone is rational and all outcomes are just, this might work.

In the real world -- the guy has to consider the risk that marrying the wrong woman can cost him a lot of money. And broadcasting his income information too early can cause a woman to stick around for the wrong reasons (incentive bias is very, very strong). Even if that doesn't turn into marriage and a risk of losing money, it carries a risk of wasting even more time with someone that doesn't actually share your same values.

Anyway, sharing his income information required a certain level of trust that his girlfriend never reached. He has every right to decide what level of trust is required and to make a decision that someone doesn't meet that level.

too early? she was leaving because by any measure that she could tell, he was a bum and intent on staying one.

he wouldn't be broadcasting or even revealing too much. regardless it's his duty to make sure he doesn't make bad decisions like marry somebody for the wrong reasons.

even then, if you're right, it means he is a loser for an entirely different reason. that reason being that he engages in partnerships that he doesn't actually care enough about to remain in when there's a bump, a bump created by him.


that said, i think i see why you're on his side. he does have a right to want to be with somebody who doesn't care that he's a bum. still, it makes him the bad guy for all the misrepresentation. he should instead be a little forthcoming about his bumdom so that he doesn't waste honest peoples' time.

[NightGizmo]

that said, i think i see why you're on his side. he does have a right to want to be with somebody who doesn't care that he's a bum. still, it makes him the bad guy for all the misrepresentation. he should instead be a little forthcoming about his bumdom so that he doesn't waste honest peoples' time.

She doesn't seem that honest to me. In her version, she goes from "I lightly prodded him about his career and future" to "I saw my friends on Facebook and so broke up with him." Seems like a lot is left out.

And in her version, the guy never outright says that he can't afford stuff. Which means she never asked, otherwise I'm sure that would have made its way into the story.

It clearly wasn't a good relationship and there wasn't much communicating happening in either direction. So both people should be glad to move on to something better. She was fine with everything until she found out that he had money.

[wufwugy]

She doesn't seem that honest to me. In her version, she goes from "I lightly prodded him about his career and future" to "I saw my friends on Facebook and so broke up with him." Seems like a lot is left out.

And in her version, the guy never outright says that he can't afford stuff. Which means she never asked, otherwise I'm sure that would have made its way into the story.

It clearly wasn't a good relationship and there wasn't much communicating happening in either direction. So both people should be glad to move on to something better. She was fine with everything until she found out that he had money.

if we're assuming these things then i don't have much argument. im merely assuming the text we have been given is more or less accurate.

about your very last line, im not sure i would characterize it that way exclusively. imagine you really dig two chicks at the same time and you do everything you can to get your gf into the idea. but she no goes and you break up with her so you can find somebody who likes other chicks. then later you find out that your ex gf was into threesomes the whole damn time and just chose to not tell you even when you were breaking up with her over it. i think it's more like this than just straight gold digging. it appears that he views it as gold digging though.

[boost]

if we're assuming these things then i don't have much argument. im merely assuming the text we have been given is more or less accurate.

about your very last line, im not sure i would characterize it that way exclusively. imagine you really dig two chicks at the same time and you do everything you can to get your gf into the idea. but she no goes and you break up with her so you can find somebody who likes other chicks. then later you find out that your ex gf was into threesomes the whole damn time and just chose to not tell you even when you were breaking up with her over it. i think it's more like this than just straight gold digging. it appears that he views it as gold digging though.

What.

This is a horrible analogy. And not in a nit picky, everything doesn't correlate sort of way. This is way off base.

She didn't find out that he's into playing keeping up with the Jones' and advertising his material wealth on Facebook. And even if your analogy works-- the guy pestering his girlfriend to the point of giving her a breakup ultimatum about threesomes is very likely to and justly turn her off of the idea of participating in one with him. She can like the idea, but not feel comfortable yet (or ever) doing it with the guy, and that's completely her prerogative.

[boost]

so with that being said, and not wanting to really dig in to this...

What.

This is a horrible analogy. And not in a nit picky, everything doesn't correlate sort of way. This is way off base.

She didn't find out that he's into playing keeping up with the Jones' and advertising his material wealth on Facebook. And even if your analogy works-- the guy pestering his girlfriend to the point of giving her a breakup ultimatum about threesomes is very likely to and justly turn her off of the idea of participating in one with him. She can like the idea, but not feel comfortable yet (or ever) doing it with the guy, and that's completely her prerogative.

=-\

[wufwugy]

What.

This is a horrible analogy. And not in a nit picky, everything doesn't correlate sort of way. This is way off base.

She didn't find out that he's into playing keeping up with the Jones' and advertising his material wealth on Facebook. And even if your analogy works-- the guy pestering his girlfriend to the point of giving her a breakup ultimatum about threesomes is very likely to and justly turn her off of the idea of participating in one with him. She can like the idea, but not feel comfortable yet (or ever) doing it with the guy, and that's completely her prerogative.

you're saying a chick who is into chicks and has kept that information from her bf is just in being turned off when her bf says he'd like her to be into chicks?