My Joke - If you read you must reply w/ a better one

[swiggidy]

So, I was out for a walk with the lads the other night, and we stumbled upon a young lady lying on the ground. Her clothes were torn up, and she had bruises all over. That's when we realised that we'd been walking in circles.

[Cobra_1878]

The kids were being sick everywhere last night, I told them I had put ginger in the curry...They loved that cat.

[STILL_mkd]

A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.
Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. ''Why are you standing in line, dear?'' she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. ''Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself,'' said the grandma.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, ''Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?''
Grandma replied, ''Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!''

[STILL_mkd]

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

[STILL_mkd]

A hooker brings a client to her condo on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. The client asks her if she gives good hand jobs.

"You see this condo? I bought it by giving good hand jobs."

Her client tells her to give him a hand job. Afterwards, he is impressed and asks her if she gives good blow jobs.

"Look out the window. See that red Ferrari on the street? I bought it by giving good blow jobs."

Her client asks her to give him a blow job. Afterwards, he is really impressed and asks her if she is good in bed.

"Look out the window. See that big yacht out there on Lake Michigan? I could own that if only I had a vagina."

[OngBonga]

So, I was out for a walk with the lads the other night, and we stumbled upon a young lady lying on the ground. Her clothes were torn up, and she had bruises all over. That's when we realised that we'd been walking in circles.

Winner.

[STILL_mkd]

Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together.

One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?"

"I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man.

He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights. He then asks the man where he lives.

Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding."

"You got a silver compact and a red pickup?"

"The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck."

The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom."

"I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls."

The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot."

"I don't care! Just do it!"

The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one!"

[OngBonga]

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

"I want to get weighed," she said. They walked over to the weight guesser, and he guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale. It read 117, so she won a prize.

The couple then went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Since they had been there before, the weight guesser guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

Joe decided Kim was weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[STILL_mkd]

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunk lady swinging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"