My Joke - If you read you must reply w/ a better one

[Luco]

Oscar Pistorius is being charged with murder!

Not sure what his defence team will do - he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

[daviddem]

Late at night a couple listens to the radio in bed before sleeping: "we announce 4 inches of snowfall tomorrow, so please park you car on the odd-numbered side of the street".

So the woman gets out of bed, dresses up in a rush and proceeds to park the car on the odd-numbered side of the street.

They next day they are listening to the radio again: "we announce 8 inches of snow so please park you car on the even-numbered side of the street".

So the woman gets out of bed, dresses up in a rush and proceeds to park the car on the even-numbered side of the street.

They following day they are listening to the radio again: "we announce 12 inches of snow so please park you car krrrrrrrrhhhrrrrrrr......."... and a power cut interrupts the broadcast.

The woman, worried, looks at her husband: "what are we going to do now?"

The husband compassionately replies: "why don't you leave it in the garage today?"

[daviddem]

Accident Report

This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."

"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel."

"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."

[daviddem]

This guy picks random ads online and in the newspapers and replies to them. There is some awesome stuff in there:

e-mails from an asshole

And of course:

The Darwin Awards

[BennyLaRue]

I have it on good authority my mum loves...cunt

Traditional newspaper editing rules = fun!

[Pascal]

Saw a dwarf carrying a TV back to his car earlier.

"Jesus," I said, "Can you manage that Plasma Telly ok on yer own mate?"

"Ha fucking ha, you cheeky twat!" he exclaimed, "It's a fucking Kindle!"

[oskar]

A father and son are in a car crash. The father dies at the scene, the boy is rushed to the hospital. At the hospital the surgeon looks at the boy and says: I cannot operate on this boy, I am a woman.

[chemist]

Saw a dwarf carrying a TV back to his car earlier.

"Jesus," I said, "Can you manage that Plasma Telly ok on yer own mate?"

"Ha fucking ha, you cheeky twat!" he exclaimed, "It's a fucking Kindle!"

Nice one, missed this before, glad it got bumbed.


{btw I put a joke in the science section}. http://www.flopturnriver.com/pokerfo...20#post2163920

[rong]

This guy picks random ads online and in the newspapers and replies to them. There is some awesome stuff in there:

e-mails from an asshole

hahahahah

That first one about the fishtank is fucking hilarious.

[eugmac]

hahahahah

That first one about the fishtank is fucking hilarious.

it is, but it's also pretty srs harrassment imo. i've been tempted to troll people's classified ads, but only if they were trolling themselves to begin with, with ridiculous prices or whatever.

[rong]

I wonder if these things are real anyway. Someone once bought me a book for xmas or bday or w/e called the time wasters letters, which were similar things but the communication was started with a letter to a company. My favourite one was a letter to a scarecrow company (or something similar) asking if they'd be interested in his new designs. They responded yes and he sent them diagrams and descriptions of various scarecrows made of meat.

[Luco]

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?


Slow down and use a lubricant

[jackvance]

A father and son are in a car crash. The father dies at the scene, the boy is rushed to the hospital. At the hospital the surgeon looks at the boy and says: I cannot operate on this boy, I am a woman.

That seems like a joke on the normal "it is my son" version. Are you following Social Psychology on coursera by any chance? I heard about this example in their last lesson.

[oskar]

Nah, I just knew the riddle.
Those online courses are getting pretty good, eh? Are there any free programs on coursera? MIT has some free lectures that I'm following, but it's usually like: introduction, some easy stuff and then straight into alien hieroglyphs.

[jackvance]

Social psychology and especially 'a brief history of humankind', I lack the words to explain who amazing they are, seriously. Only been 2 lectures so far of history and he uses an evolutionairy theory + game theory approach as a way to matter of fact explain everything. It's going to sound controversial what he says to most people (it's what he says too in the intro) but it's completely and totally up my league of thinking and what I consider the only right way of approaching life. Learning so much.

[NightGizmo]

I'm taking Social Psychology, too, and it's pretty awesome (auditing, I guess -- I'm not doing the assignments). I took Intro to Finance earlier this year, which was really good, too.

[MadMojoMonkey]

If you're interested in physics, there's a few MIT courses that are on youtube. Dr. Walter Lewin is an amazing professor and every lecture has a demonstration to show you what he's describing. These lectures were an essential companion to my own education during freshman year.

For classical mechanics:
Lec 1 | 8.01 Physics I: Classical Mechanics, Fall 1999

For Electricity and Magnetism:
Lec 1 | MIT 8.02 Electricity and Magnetism, Spring 2002

For Vibrations and Waves (an essential primer if you wish to understand Quantum Mechanics):
Lec 1 | MIT 8.03 Vibrations and Waves, Fall 2004


EDIT: I can just about promise you that this will not be boring. However, my own bias is clear. I think Dr. Lewin presents things in such a way as to bring fascination to the student, and even students who once thought physics was boring come away with a real appreciation of how much fun it can be.

[MadMojoMonkey]

Wow, wrong thread.

Ummm.....

What do you call a Native American that gets her period every week?
A four-stroke injun.

[Galapogos]

Wow, wrong thread.

Ummm.....

What do you call a Native American that gets her period every week?
A four-stroke injun.

tsk tsk, wrong thread again - http://www.flopturnriver.com/pokerfo...st-195491.html

[MadMojoMonkey]

If you throw a piano down a mine-shaft, in what key is the resulting noise?

A-flat minor.

[STILL_mkd]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

[MadMojoMonkey]

A penguin is driving around when his car starts overheating. He's no expert, but he's cautious, so he pulls his car into a mechanic's shop and explains what's going on. The mechanic tells the penguin that he's happy to take a look at the engine, but it will take a couple of hours.
Well, it's a hot day, and the penguin gets bored waiting in the shop, when he remembers there's an ice cream parlor down the street. So he goes and gets himself an ice cream cone.
Now, penguins have flippers, not hands, so while the penguin is eating the ice cream cone, he gets it all over his beak and face, making a right mess of himself.

When he gets back to the mechanic, the mechanic is just finishing up. As the penguin approaches, the mechanic looks up and says, "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin replies, "NO. NO. IT'S ICE CREAM!!!"

[eugmac]

is it customary in St Louis to add a line after a punch line to soften the blow?

[Savy]

haha that's funny, penguins can't drive cards. That'd be dangerous.

[MadMojoMonkey]

"Looks like you blew a seal." gets grins
Impersonating the defensive penguin gets laughs.

[STILL_mkd]

Bob and Niel were driving down the road and seen a sheep with its head caught in a fence so they pull over and Bob has his way with the sheep then he turns to Niel and says OK your turn now. OK but I'm not putting my head in that fence.

[STILL_mkd]

A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.

"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."

"How did you manage to do that?"

"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."

[Tom1559]

Loved reading all the jokes. Really cheered me up.

[STILL_mkd]

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

[STILL_mkd]

A doctor answers his phone at home on a Friday night. His colleague says, “We need an eighth player for poker.” The doctor replied, “Hold on. I’ll be there ASAP.” As he was grabbing his coat and keys, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “It sure is,” he said. “There are already seven other doctors there!”

[abelardx]

A man stays over at his friend's house. After dinner he says the plates don't look quite clean. His friend says "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em." Next day same thing. When the man is getting ready to leave, his friend yells out to his dog, "Coldwater! Come and say goodbye."

[STILL_mkd]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, " What do you mean $200!"

[sam1FTR]

Loved reading all the jokes. Really cheered me up.

Haha yes I'm loving this thread too!

[TeUnit]

25 yrs ago Ronald Reagan was president, we hand Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope.....



Now Obama is president, we have no Cash, and we have no Hope

[STILL_mkd]

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on


The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

[STILL_mkd]

A blond and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blond jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blond finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"
The blond says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it

[STILL_mkd]

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

[MadMojoMonkey]

A pirate walks into a pub with a steering wheel in his pants and limps over to the bar.
The bartender says, "Geez, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants? Doesn't that hurt?"

The pirate says, "Yarr! It's drivin' me nuts!"

[MadMojoMonkey]

There are 10 types of people in the world:
Those who understand binary,
those who don't,
and those who weren't expecting a joke* in base 3.

(*cut a geek some slack?)

[Hawk]

There are two types of people in the world: Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.

[STILL_mkd]

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

[OngBonga]

If electricity always follows the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike in France?

[chemist]

wanted to press the like button for some of these ^,
but there isn't one, so have to type it.


edit: mojomonkey put a hex on me, I wanted C more.

[abelardx]

What did the pirate say to the statistician?

Spoiler: Show

R

[STILL_mkd]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[STILL_mkd]

"Where are you going?" demands a surprised husband. "
To Las Vegas! I hear there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!"

The husband scratched his head and started packing his bags. "What are you doing?" she asked..."I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"

[MadMojoMonkey]

a drunken stranger, [...], is asking for a push.

Come again?

[Savy]

Come again?

The joke is it's implying someones car has broken down and they require a push which is the cure for a number of car related mishaps. The humour arrises when we find that this mans car hasn't broken down at all, one of very few reasons we would knock on a strangers door at 3am, but instead is on a swing on of the few other times someone may require a push yet such an fantastical faux pas.

Some people may find humour in the relief that the drunk man isn't driving as fist expected which could be incredibly dangerous but instead doing the still dangerous for himself but not for those around him past time of swinging on a swing.

It really is a very well layered joke.

[STILL_mkd]

A blonde decided to rent her first porno. So she went to the video store and picked out a tape with a title that sounded sexy. She drove home, lit some candles, took off her clothes and placed the tape in the VCR, but nothing appeared on her screen except static. So she called the video store and complained. She said "I just rented a porno from you and there's nothing on the tape but static. The clerk replies "Sorry about that, which movie is it?" She replies "Head Cleaner"!!!

[ChipEaterMan]

HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME
This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress
while thinking a name of his country
and his mistress asks him "is it
In Dear?"...

[eugmac]

The rules of the thread:

My Joke - If you read you must reply w/ a better one

My new amendment to the rules would be a 5-day temporary ban on everybody who violates the above rule.

The rules do not apply to this post, in case a smartass comes in here to try to get me temp-banned.

[STILL_mkd]

A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin. He goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.

That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[STILL_mkd]

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home.

"Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."

"Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should we get naked?"

The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

[STILL_mkd]

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

[STILL_mkd]

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

[STILL_mkd]

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a living.
The new neighbor says, "I'm a professor." The first neigbhbor then asks, "Oh yeah, what do you teach?"
"Logic," the professor reponds.
"What is that?" the neighbor inquires.
"Well, let me see if I can give you an example...you have a dog, right?"
"Yeah, that's right," neighbor #1 responds.
"And you have children too, right?" says the professor.
"Wow, right again!" exclaims the neighbor.
"So, then you must be married and that would make you a heterosexual, right?'' proclaims the professor.
"Unbelievable, you're absolutely correct. How do you know all this about me?"
"Well," the professor says, "I observed there was a dog house in your backyard, so you must have a dog. I also saw bicycles next to your garage, so you must have children. And if you have children, you are probably married and if your married, you are most likely heterosexual... it was all logical!"
The next afternoon, the neighbor runs into his old friend. His friend asks if he has met the new neighbor. The man says that he met him yesterday.
"What's he like?"
"Well," the man says, "he's nice and he is a professor of logic."
"Oh," says the friend, "what's logic?"
"Maybe I can give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
"Why, no, I do not," responds the friend.
"Well, then," proclaims the man, "you must be gay!"

[STILL_mkd]

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

[STILL_mkd]

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner, but his wife was already preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he grabbed his cell phone and texted his wife:
"The tent pole is up,
the canvas is spread.
The hell with breakfast,
come back to bed."

The wife answered the text:
"Take the tent pole down,
put the canvas away.
The monkey's exhausted.
No circus today."

So he sent another text:
"The tent pole's still up
and the canvas still spread,
so drop what you're doing
and come give me some head."

To which she texted back:
"I know that your pole's
the best in the land,
but I'm busy right now,
so do it by hand."

[STILL_mkd]

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"
"I'd have to say the living one."

[Hawk]

You've really got to hand it to blind prostitutes.

--

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
He's married.

[STILL_mkd]

A young woman had given birth in the elevator of a New Delhi hospital, and was embarrassed about it.

One of the Doctors, in an effort to console her, said, "Don t feel bad. Why, only two years ago a lady delivered in the front yard of the hospital."

With that the new mother burst out crying.

"I know," she said. "That was me, too."

[Chelle]

A woman walks up to her husband and tells him to make her a sandwich.
He says, "What kind?"

[STILL_mkd]

A man had to choose one of his three girlfriends to marry. He decided to give each one $5,000 and see how they spent it.

The first one got a makeover with the money. She told the man, "I spent the money to look prettier for you because I love you so much."

The second one bought new golf clubs and a television. She said, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."

The third one invested the money in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned the $5000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

[STILL_mkd]

Q: What do you call a blonde at a golf course?

A: The 19th hole.

[STILL_mkd]

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

[STILL_mkd]

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll you have?"
The skeleton says, "A beer and a mop."

[STILL_mkd]

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

[STILL_mkd]

Q: What is every blonde's ambition?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

[STILL_mkd]

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."

The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."

The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"

Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"

Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"

[STILL_mkd]

A man walks into a lawyer's office and inquires about the rates.

"Fifty dollars for three questions, "replies the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asks the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replies, "and what's your third question?"

[Luco]

Have you heard of those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines

[STILL_mkd]

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:

"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

[swiggidy]

Some gold here:
http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/co...joke_you_know/

[swiggidy]

What is the worst part about locking your keys in your car in front of an abortion clinic? - having to walk inside and ask to borrow a coat hanger

[zeroguy]

A father and son are in a car crash. The father dies at the scene, the boy is rushed to the hospital. At the hospital the surgeon looks at the boy and says: I cannot operate on this boy, I am a woman.

Sorry i dont get it, can you explain please