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spoonitnow
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12-25-2007, 05:53 PM
Post subject: Trip Report: Christmas at my Grandma's
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#1 (permalink)
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Straight Flush
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: IRC Chat Room
Posts: 5,406
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Cliff notes: My uncle held a gun to his cousin's face and told him if he didn't "get his goddamn ass up the fucking road" then he was going to "blow his fucking brains all over the living room".
Merry Christmas!!
Edit: I don't really know where to begin. I can entertain for hours and hours on end with stories just about this particular aspect of my family, but I'll do my best to sum it up, although some build-up is required to get the full effect.
There's two main parts of my dad's side of the family, and each part doesn't get along very well at all. If you've ever seen some movie about a bunch of hicks having a feud with another family or a part of their family then you have a pretty good idea of what I'm dealing with here. They're basically feuding over my great-grand-dad's land/belongings/shit in general.
Two characters you need to know are Mickey and Sambo. Mickey is my uncle, and is redheaded and crazy as fuck, but he's also the person I get along with the best in my family. Sambo is my 2nd cousin I think, and is part of the "other" side of the family. He's also crazy as fuck.
To quantify crazy for you guys, consider this. When I was in the 2nd grade, my mom worked as a waitress in a steakhouse for a while. Sambo thought he had seen my mom at a bar all up on some guy who wasn't my dad the night before (it wasn't her) so he decided to go to her place of employment the next day and get her fired (without my dad's knowledge). He ended up throwing one of her managers literally through a window and beat the guy half to death with a chair before the cops arrived. In my family, this is as standard as raising preflop with AA.
Now back to real time. My grandma (also Mickey's mother) had a massive stroke almost a year ago, and is confined to a wheelchair now, and just the fact that she's still alive makes this Christmas sort of a big deal since she had the stroke days after last Christmas and we didn't think she would have another. All of my side of the family is at her house and all is well.
Then Sambo came to my grandma's today for Christmas food/presents/blah and all of this, which he's never done before. He acts all innocent like he's not going to start any shit, but within being there 15 minutes the shit hit the fan. I didn't hear exactly what he said but Sambo asked my grandma something and she mumbled back (which is all she's capable of doing) and Sambo made a smartass comment back.
At this, Mickey walked straight to his truck, pulled his .357, came back in the house, held it about 3 feet from Sambo's face and told him if he didn't "get his goddamn ass up the fucking road" then he was going to "blow his fucking brains all over the living room". It wouldn't have been the first person shot over this shit, either.
Sambo left. End of story.
Holy fuck that was long and I didn't hardly scratch the surface but I think I told what was necessary.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Ripptyde
I only have 2 simple rules when I am coaching a new student.
Rule # 1: don't ask questions
Rule # 2: don't ask questions
I have no interest in discussing strategy with a protege'. Your job is to remain quiet and listen. I have a very systematic approach that I will share with the right candidate and I promise that I will turn you into a force of nature and show you elements of the game of poker that you never knew existed.
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seoul_child1
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Straight
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: NYC
Posts: 176
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where u from again... Oxford, Mississisppi?? :P
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thizzSantaCruz
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Full House
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Santa Cruz
Posts: 894
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wow....details?
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Flopping quads and boats like its my job
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PapalRage
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Flush
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Notre Dame
Posts: 309
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you better tarantino this later
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ndultimate.
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gabe
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: trying to live
Posts: 7,964
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dude u might as well tell the story
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spoonitnow
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Straight Flush
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: IRC Chat Room
Posts: 5,406
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by gabe
dude u might as well tell the story
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Going to just don't have time to right now.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Ripptyde
I only have 2 simple rules when I am coaching a new student.
Rule # 1: don't ask questions
Rule # 2: don't ask questions
I have no interest in discussing strategy with a protege'. Your job is to remain quiet and listen. I have a very systematic approach that I will share with the right candidate and I promise that I will turn you into a force of nature and show you elements of the game of poker that you never knew existed.
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spoonitnow
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Straight Flush
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: IRC Chat Room
Posts: 5,406
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Okay I edited the main post and told the story.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Ripptyde
I only have 2 simple rules when I am coaching a new student.
Rule # 1: don't ask questions
Rule # 2: don't ask questions
I have no interest in discussing strategy with a protege'. Your job is to remain quiet and listen. I have a very systematic approach that I will share with the right candidate and I promise that I will turn you into a force of nature and show you elements of the game of poker that you never knew existed.
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thizzSantaCruz
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Full House
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Santa Cruz
Posts: 894
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crazy dude. hope that didn't ruin your christmas.
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Flopping quads and boats like its my job
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bigred
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PROFESSIONAL TROLL
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Nest of Douchebags
Posts: 2,184
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sambo is a weird name
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LOL OPERATIONS
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spoonitnow
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Straight Flush
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: IRC Chat Room
Posts: 5,406
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by thizzSantaCruz
crazy dude. hope that didn't ruin your christmas.
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It's all good. Besides, it's good motivation to play.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by bigred
sambo is a weird name
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So is Toehead, a friend of my dad's.
My grand-dad goes by Buck (somewhat standard maybe?), my two cousins go by Goober and Bubba, and I'm not even making this up. Their legal names are Connie, Nathan, and Ethan, in that order.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Ripptyde
I only have 2 simple rules when I am coaching a new student.
Rule # 1: don't ask questions
Rule # 2: don't ask questions
I have no interest in discussing strategy with a protege'. Your job is to remain quiet and listen. I have a very systematic approach that I will share with the right candidate and I promise that I will turn you into a force of nature and show you elements of the game of poker that you never knew existed.
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chardrian
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I rarely,if ever, get pms
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,524
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toehead is just a blondie.
sambo's a racist name so I'm glad Mickey gave him the heave ho.
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EzDuzIt
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Full House
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Green Bay
Posts: 915
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lol wow. bring a black girl with you to christmas next year and come back with an even better trip report.
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a500lbgorilla
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JESUS TAKE THE KEYBOARD
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: This room is a good place to be
Posts: 8,379
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Bring a black guy with you next Christmas. Laugh at all of his jokes and get caught holding his hand. Bring several large guns for the comical arms race that will follow.
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Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
You mean the revolver, sir?
Precisely.
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mrhappy333
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Full House
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Hartford, CT
Posts: 1,078
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Have any relatives been on the Jerry Springer show?
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3 3 3 I'm only half evil.
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boost
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Full House
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Chicago
Posts: 706
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by chardrian
sambo's a racist name so I'm glad Mickey gave him the heave ho.
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we call my good freind sam, sambo. Hes half jewish and half southern. His dads side is the southern ones and the coat of arms for the family is a shield in the center flanked by two knights in armor. One of the nights holds a pike on which is the impaled head of a black man.
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a500lbgorilla
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JESUS TAKE THE KEYBOARD
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: This room is a good place to be
Posts: 8,379
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There's my family crest. We don't mind black people.
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Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
You mean the revolver, sir?
Precisely.
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spoonitnow
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Straight Flush
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: IRC Chat Room
Posts: 5,406
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by boost
Quote:
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Originally Posted by chardrian
sambo's a racist name so I'm glad Mickey gave him the heave ho.
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we call my good freind sam, sambo. Hes half jewish and half southern. His dads side is the southern ones and the coat of arms for the family is a shield in the center flanked by two knights in armor. One of the nights holds a pike on which is the impaled head of a black man. |
That's pretty hickballa right there.
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Ripptyde
I only have 2 simple rules when I am coaching a new student.
Rule # 1: don't ask questions
Rule # 2: don't ask questions
I have no interest in discussing strategy with a protege'. Your job is to remain quiet and listen. I have a very systematic approach that I will share with the right candidate and I promise that I will turn you into a force of nature and show you elements of the game of poker that you never knew existed.
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bigred
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PROFESSIONAL TROLL
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Nest of Douchebags
Posts: 2,184
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by a500lbgorilla
There's my family crest. We don't mind black people.
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the ones your racist family hanged just blend in...
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