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twosevoff
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04-18-2006, 12:26 AM
Post subject: Stories
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#1 (permalink)
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Flush
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 526
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Here are some short stories I wrote a while back for those who didn't read them when I posted them on here about a year back. If you have no interest in reading about anything but poker, read the "Bullets" subsection of "Nothing Can Bring You Peace".
Updated version of Real Russian Roulette
The Best You Can Hope For
Nothing Can Bring You Peace
Let me know what you think if you read any of them.
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tcpj4
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3-of-a-Kind
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 109
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Read "Real Russian Roulette,"
Liked it.
Not as good as WaLtEr MiTtY :O
Yankee Hat obviously need more concealing sunglasses if he is wearing them but you can still seem him blinking profusely.
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PO$$E$$ED
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Flush
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: SITTING ON 'RILLA'S FINGER
Posts: 263
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I read most of "real russian roulette". I liked the part about Emily, but the russian roulette scene was way too contrived to be taken seriously. What kind of miserable fuck risks his life for 10k? And Turkish gangsters who drive black caddys with sub machineguns...I mean come on now, are you writing a script for Bruckheimer or something? Please don't take that as a compliment. I also thought your analogy between having protected sex with someone who is HIV positive and russian roulette was very facile.
If I were to rewrite the story, I would completely take out everything about the Turkish gangsters, and instead write a story about Emily. Just the fact that you're narrating in the first-person about a past event lets the reader know that the character survived the game of russian roulette, which saps the story of all it's juice/drama. I would like to hear more about Emily though- her past, how she got HIV, your relationship with her, what she's doing now et cetera.
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twosevoff
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Flush
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 526
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by PO$$E$$ED
I mean come on now, are you writing a script for Bruckheimer or something? Please don't take that as a compliment.
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lol
And, yeah, I can't really disagree with anything else you said. I'd like to think my other stuff is a little better at letting the reader suspend disbelief. Good suggestion about going into more depth about Emily and her relationship with the narrator.
Also, the part about Yankees hat wearing sunglasses in "Bullets" is a typo as it would complicate the blinking tell, so pretend I didn't write that.
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metaxy6
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Flush
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 328
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Just read Russian Roulette. It's a good idea. I think that developing Emily (and easing up on the Bruckheimer) could really get this somewhere - - that somewhere being in the direction of a totally f*d up poignancy that one finds in, say, Denis Johnson's 'Jesus' Son'.
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twosevoff
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Flush
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 526
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Posted an updated version of Russian Roulette. Addressed your guy's complaints about the Bruckheimer stuff by trying to make the story more plausible. Also explored Emily a bit more and put it into the present tense to increase suspense.
[Edit: put up a third version of Russian Roulette since the one I posted last night had lots of typos. Also re-upped my other two stories]
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boost
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Full House
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Chicago
Posts: 706
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I was hoping for erotic literature, what gives?
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