My Joke - If you read you must reply w/ a better one

[Luco]

My house was vandalised yesterday. Some twat spray painted the word MONG across my windows in huge letters. Took me fuckin hours to lick it all off...

[supa]

lol, actually had to look up mong. I think I'll go clean my windows now.

[MadMojoMonkey]

You can call a spade a spade...
but if it's got a long enough reach, it's probably a hoe.

[bikes]

a fish swims into a wall

"DAM"

[Luco]

I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment. It's called Man or Myth.

There are two types of people I hate: Racists and Chinese.

I stood in the park wondering why a frisbee gets larger the closer it gets... then it hit me

I want to donate a large amount of money to rape victims and I won't take no for an answer.

[Fyrefly]

I'm not racist; racism is a crime - and crime is for black people.

[Sasquach991]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed...it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast

[MadMojoMonkey]

Did you hear about the terrorist from Minnesota?

His name was Yasir Yubetcha.

[celtic123]

An elderly couple is enjoying a 50 year anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.”

“Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.”

“Ok,” he says, “How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time’s sake.”

“Oooooooh Charlie, you devil, that sounds like a good idea.”

There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.”

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. They finally get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She’s yelling, “Ohhh, God!” He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching, thinks that was truly amazing. He was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, “That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?”

The old man says, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence!”

[Luco]

Ok that one was funny, wp celtic

[jackvance]

I want to donate a large amount of money to rape victims.

Victims of what in particular do you want to rape?

[Luco]

Victims of what in particular do you want to rape?

[kiwiMark]

I want to donate a large amount of money [in order] to rape victims.

.

[Luco]

Yeah I got it kiwi, I wasn't born with a hole in my head. Other than the talkie, sniffy and listenie ones.

Waiting three months to make a bad play on words is the wtf part... Jack and Kiwi will be my next rape victims. Kiwi is down the road and I can fund the road trip myself, anyone got donations and directions to Jack's house?

Anywho, back to the jokes pls

[kiwiMark]

he's in belgium - decent beer, chocolate etc. Maybe go for him first and me on the way back?

[Luco]

he's in belgium - decent beer, chocolate etc. Maybe go for him first and me on the way back?

Sounds like a plan, it will give you time to buy one of these

[jackvance]

You gonna wine and dine me first though rite?

[Luco]

You gonna wine and dine me first though rite?

Have you ever seen that film, The Accused? If not, have you ever been to Steubenville, or possibly bus tripping around India?

[Galapogos]

Ok that one was funny, wp celtic

I still don't understand why it matters that the guy's a cop though?

[Pascal]

Cos if he's not a cop he's a pervert for watching 2 old people have sex for 40 minutes.

Then again he's still a pervert

[Galapogos]

Cos if he's not a cop he's a pervert for watching 2 old people have sex for 40 minutes.

Then again he's still a pervert

Yeah, he did watch them for like an hour afterwards while they sat in their love juices. This cop is damn shady.

I don't like him.

[Ragnar4]

What's the Difference between Jack Daniels and General Custer?
Jack Daniels is still killing indians.

What do Jack Daniels and Daniel Snyder have in common?
They are both killing Redskins.

[celtic123]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .


On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.


The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.



Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.



Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.




Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

[MadMojoMonkey]

If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember...

No one loves you on any other days of the year, either.

[kiwiMark]

I have it on good authority my mum loves me at christmas, cunt

[Luco]

Oscar Pistorius is being charged with murder!

Not sure what his defence team will do - he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

[daviddem]

Late at night a couple listens to the radio in bed before sleeping: "we announce 4 inches of snowfall tomorrow, so please park you car on the odd-numbered side of the street".

So the woman gets out of bed, dresses up in a rush and proceeds to park the car on the odd-numbered side of the street.

They next day they are listening to the radio again: "we announce 8 inches of snow so please park you car on the even-numbered side of the street".

So the woman gets out of bed, dresses up in a rush and proceeds to park the car on the even-numbered side of the street.

They following day they are listening to the radio again: "we announce 12 inches of snow so please park you car krrrrrrrrhhhrrrrrrr......."... and a power cut interrupts the broadcast.

The woman, worried, looks at her husband: "what are we going to do now?"

The husband compassionately replies: "why don't you leave it in the garage today?"

[daviddem]

Accident Report

This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."

"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel."

"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."

[daviddem]

This guy picks random ads online and in the newspapers and replies to them. There is some awesome stuff in there:

e-mails from an asshole

And of course:

The Darwin Awards

[BennyLaRue]

I have it on good authority my mum loves...cunt

Traditional newspaper editing rules = fun!

[Pascal]

Saw a dwarf carrying a TV back to his car earlier.

"Jesus," I said, "Can you manage that Plasma Telly ok on yer own mate?"

"Ha fucking ha, you cheeky twat!" he exclaimed, "It's a fucking Kindle!"