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DropTheBanana
Old 12-07-2010, 06:52 PM #301 (permalink)  
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 A black guy, a muslim, and a Jew walk into a bar.The bartender says "get the fuck out"
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kiwiMark
Old 12-07-2010, 07:35 PM #302 (permalink)  
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 A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar. He orders a drink.
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drwnthn
Old 12-07-2010, 08:59 PM #303 (permalink)  
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 Q. whats the difference between marmalade and jam??
A. you cant marmalade your dick in your girlfriends ass.
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triumphant cracker
Old 01-13-2011, 03:18 PM #304 (permalink)  
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 Two young businessmen in
Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in
the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that
any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the
window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up
to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in
a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes.

Without skipping a beat,
the old timer said, "You're doing well.
Only two left."
 
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philly and the phanatics
Old 01-13-2011, 03:45 PM #305 (permalink)  
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 ok these are all from sopranos but they are priceless nonetheless-

Chinese guy goes to the doctors and is like "whats wrong with me doc" and the doctors like "i think you have a cataract" and the chinese guy says "no i dont i have a rincoln contirental"

zing

Ok so a rich guy is talking to a poor guy about christmas gifts, and the rich guy is explaining what he got his wife, "I got her both a diamond ring and a mercedes"
poor guy- why both
rich guy- so if she doesnt like the ring she can drive the mercedes to the store to return it and still be happy, what about you what did you get your wife?
poor guy- slippers and a dildo
rich guy- why both of those things
poor guy- cause if she doesnt like the slippers she can go fuck herself

zing

guy walks into his bedroom carrying a duck and sees his wife standing there and says "this is the pig i'm fucking" and the wife says "uh honey thats a duck" and the man says "shut up bitch i wasnt talking to you"
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couriermike
Old 01-14-2011, 02:50 AM #306 (permalink)  
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The Pope and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi were on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope said, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.”

Pelosi seriously doubts this, and says, “One little wave of your hand, and all people will rejoice forever?? Show me”, she said.

...so the Pope slapped her.
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supa
Old 01-15-2011, 02:24 AM #307 (permalink)  
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 A priest and a rabbi we're walking through the park. The priest pointed to a young boy in the corner and said, "Let's go fuck that kid".

The rabbi asked, "Out of what?"
“Right thoughts produce right actions and right actions produce work which will be a material reflection for others to see of the serenity at the center of it all”

Put hero on a goddamn range part II- The 6max years

Quote:
Originally Posted by d0zer View Post
start using your brain more and vagina less
 
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triumphant cracker
Old 01-19-2011, 08:56 PM #308 (permalink)  
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 A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
that was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap.
I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.






She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
 
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oskar
Old 01-21-2011, 05:50 PM #309 (permalink)  
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 Taken from John Hodgeman's Areas of My Expertise. The chapter is titled: Jokes that have never produced laughter.


  • A man goes into a bar. He has a dog with him. The dog is wearing an eye patch. The man says to the bartender, “Ask me about my dog!” Unfortunately, the bartender does not hear the man, because he went deaf in one ear as a child. He serves a woman at the other end of the bar. He comes around to the man with the dog again, and the man orders an imported beer. He forgets what he was going to say about the dog.

  • A priest, a rabbi, and a non-religious person are flying across the Atlantic Ocean. There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches fire. The plane starts to go down. Luckily, there are enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is orderly.

  • An Irishman, an Englishman, and an Indian Chief go fishing together in a large rowboat on a medium-sized lake. Everyone has good luck – two or three big fish each. They stay out in the middle of the lake until sunset. On the way back to the shore, as the sky purples and turns to night, they all sing a song.

  • A duck goes into a pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist, ‘I need some ointment for my beak, it is very chapped.’ The pharmacist says, ‘We have nothing for ducks here.’

  • A dog goes into a bar. He is wearing an eye patch. The dog says to the bartender, ‘Have you heard the one about the one-eyed dog?’ The bartender, who is deaf in one ear, thinks the dog is making fun of him. He asks him to leave. The dogs says, ‘Don’t you have a sense of humor, deafie?’ He asks him to leave again, and the dog leaves. At the end of his shift, the bartender is tired of all the jokes. Today, the one-eyed dog. Yesterday, the horse with rickets. Before that, ants. He lives above the bar, in a small room. He spends his night alone there, listening to his small battery-operated radio, which picks up only a bad jazz station. He listens to bad jazz with his bad ear.
The strengh of a hero is defined by the weakness of his villains.
 
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Galapogos
Old 01-22-2011, 03:37 AM #310 (permalink)  
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 I don't get the first one.


Quote:
Originally Posted by sauce123
I don't get why you insist on stacking off with like jack high all the time.
 
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oskar
Old 01-22-2011, 02:37 PM #311 (permalink)  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Galapogos View Post
I don't get the first one.
It's a set up for the last one. Maybe I should put the description first
The strengh of a hero is defined by the weakness of his villains.
 
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Monty3038
Old 01-22-2011, 05:16 PM #312 (permalink)  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oskar View Post
Taken from John Hodgeman's Areas of My Expertise. The chapter is titled: Jokes that have never produced laughter.
No laughter is the appropriate part of this sentence.
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oskar
Old 01-23-2011, 12:26 AM #313 (permalink)  
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 So there are these three midgeds. One goes: Hey guys check out my feet, aren't those the smalles feet you have ever seen. I think I might have the smalles feet in the world! There is much agreement. The second one says: You know, now that you say it, I think I might have the smallest hands in the world! Look at that! it's like warts on a stump, I can't even grip anything with this shit!
So the third one goes: You guys. There is no way I don't have the smallest penis in the world. My parents thought I was a girl for twenty years. During the winter it retracts into my body. It's like a pimple cradled between two raisin ballsacks. My wife has a bigger clit than that!
So the bartender goes (there's a fucking bartender, deal with it): You guys should go see the Guinnes book of records! - so they do.

After the first one gets tested he comes out all happy waving a plaque around saying "Hey guys check it out! Smallest feet! That will keep me from ending my miserable existance for another year!" And there is much rejoicing
The second one comes out and sais: "Smallest hands! That will land me that gig on the View!"
So the third goes in and after a long time he comes back. Forlorn and crestfallen he stands there as they look at him in anguish. He says: "Who the fuck is that Monty three zero three eight guy?"
The strengh of a hero is defined by the weakness of his villains.
 
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Micro2Macro
Old 01-23-2011, 12:43 AM #314 (permalink)  
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"Once we reach a certain level of mastery, we see there are higher levels and challenges. If we are disciplined and patient, we proceed. At each higher level, new pleasures and insights await us--ones not even suspected when we started out. We can take this as far as we want--in any human activity there is always a higher level to which we can aspire."

Check out my blog here!

"You are a degenerate Gaam-balur"

http://www.philgalfond.com/lets-make-some-changes/
 
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Hawk
Old 04-23-2011, 02:19 AM #315 (permalink)  
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 A black guy, a rapist and a homophobe walk into a bar. Everyone gathers and asks, "Kobe, can I have your autograph?"
--
Did you hear they cancelled easter?

no.

They found the body.
--
What do you get when you try to breed a rhino and a parrot?

A dead parrot.
--
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

'ell-if-i-no
(obviously works better out loud)
 
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jyms
Old 04-23-2011, 08:05 PM #316 (permalink)  
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AHAHAHAHAH
YouTube - Classified - "Oh... Canada" [Official Video]
 
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Penneywize
Old 04-24-2011, 12:03 AM #317 (permalink)  
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 bruins fan? the fuck you canadiens thread is that way ------->
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jyms
Old 04-24-2011, 04:35 PM #318 (permalink)  
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 Hehe, the bigger joke is I'm a leafs fan.
YouTube - Classified - "Oh... Canada" [Official Video]
 
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ensign_lee
Old 04-28-2011, 06:21 PM #319 (permalink)  
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Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.
She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?"
Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

Get your own starcraft 2 signature at sc2sig.com
 
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celtic123
Old 05-19-2011, 07:33 AM #320 (permalink)  
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 Muslim women have a new social networking site.....called

Book
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Monty3038
Old 05-19-2011, 09:21 PM #321 (permalink)  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oskar View Post
So there are these three midgeds. One goes: Hey guys check out my feet, aren't those the smalles feet you have ever seen. I think I might have the smalles feet in the world! There is much agreement. The second one says: You know, now that you say it, I think I might have the smallest hands in the world! Look at that! it's like warts on a stump, I can't even grip anything with this shit!
So the third one goes: You guys. There is no way I don't have the smallest penis in the world. My parents thought I was a girl for twenty years. During the winter it retracts into my body. It's like a pimple cradled between two raisin ballsacks. My wife has a bigger clit than that!
So the bartender goes (there's a fucking bartender, deal with it): You guys should go see the Guinnes book of records! - so they do.

After the first one gets tested he comes out all happy waving a plaque around saying "Hey guys check it out! Smallest feet! That will keep me from ending my miserable existance for another year!" And there is much rejoicing
The second one comes out and sais: "Smallest hands! That will land me that gig on the View!"
So the third goes in and after a long time he comes back. Forlorn and crestfallen he stands there as they look at him in anguish. He says: "Who the fuck is that Monty three zero three eight guy?"
Just saw this after however long it has been up there... and honestly did LOL.
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KoRnholio
Old 05-20-2011, 07:56 PM #322 (permalink)  
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 Not really a joke, but not new thread worthy. I got owned so hard


(1:54:26 PM) Matthew: beans for supper then coffee for breakfast
(1:54:38 PM) jeffk: shut up, no one cares
(1:54:48 PM) Matthew: did you lose your penis?
(1:55:10 PM) jeff: it appears to be there. Why did you wake up with an extra one?
(1:55:47 PM) Matthew: I was going to say, that must be why you don't find humor in bodily functions anymore
Some days it feels like I've been standing forever, waiting for the bank teller to return so I can cash in all these Sklansky Bucks.
 
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DropTheBanana
Old 07-13-2011, 06:35 PM #323 (permalink)  
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 You: I heard the funniest fucking knock knock joke the other day. Do you want to hear it? (Start out with this or preface with a story of your choice)

Other Person: OK

You: But you have to start it.

Other Person: Ok....Knock Knock

You: Who's there (Stare at them blankly waiting for them to finish the joke)



I fucking died laughing when a friend got some random girl at the bar with that last week. I'm amused easily, especially when I'm drunk.
I'd kill the fuck out of a hooker for a bottle of disinfectant to clean up after this hooker I just killed the fuck out of.
 
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eugmac
Old 07-13-2011, 07:07 PM #324 (permalink)  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DropTheBanana View Post
You: I heard the funniest fucking knock knock joke the other day. Do you want to hear it? (Start out with this or preface with a story of your choice)

Other Person: OK

You: But you have to start it.

Other Person: Ok....Knock Knock

You: Who's there (Stare at them blankly waiting for them to finish the joke)



I fucking died laughing when a friend got some random girl at the bar with that last week. I'm amused easily, especially when I'm drunk.
wat.
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DropTheBanana
Old 07-13-2011, 07:42 PM #325 (permalink)  
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 Try it sometime. They're expecting a joke and don't realize there isn't one until the awkward silence.
I'd kill the fuck out of a hooker for a bottle of disinfectant to clean up after this hooker I just killed the fuck out of.
 
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supa
Old 07-13-2011, 08:20 PM #326 (permalink)  
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 Tried it on my daughter. I think it works better if you can hold a straight face for longer than like 3 seconds. She still cracked up tho.
“Right thoughts produce right actions and right actions produce work which will be a material reflection for others to see of the serenity at the center of it all”

Put hero on a goddamn range part II- The 6max years

Quote:
Originally Posted by d0zer View Post
start using your brain more and vagina less
 
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triumphant cracker
Old 08-01-2011, 04:23 PM #327 (permalink)  
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 A Muslim kid can’t find his mother in the supermarket. The store attendant says ‘What does your mother look like?’


The kid says “How the fuck would I know?”
 
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Warpe
Old 08-28-2011, 08:32 PM #328 (permalink)  
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Warpe is a jewel in the roughWarpe is a jewel in the roughWarpe is a jewel in the roughWarpe is a jewel in the rough
 He had a good business, a loving wife, two children, and a good house.
One day as he is eating breakfast he hears a booming voice, "Jim I want you to sell your business."
Jim is startled, "Why?"
"Just do it, trust me."
"Who are..."
"TRUST ME"
So Jim ends up selling his business for 3 million dollars.
"Now I want you to go to Las Vegas."
"Vegas?"
"VEGAS."
So Jim listens and goes to Vegas.
"Play Black Jack Jim," the booming voice tells him.
"Black Jack?" Jim responds.
"Black Jack."
So Jim walks over to the Black Jack table and takes a seat.
"Jim," the voice tells him "bet everything on this hand."
"Wait, what?"
"Trust me," the voice tells him.
"3 million dollars on this next hand," Jim tells to the dealer.
The dealer is dumbfounded, slowly he nods and deals out the cards. Jim gets a Jack and a 4, 14.
"Take a card," the voice tells him.
"Hit me," Jim says.
He gets a 3, he has 17.
"Take another card."
"What?"
"Take another CARD"
"H-Hit me" Jim Is starting to sweat now. The dealer deals him an ACE, 18.
"Take another card Jim."
Jim yells, "I have 18!"
"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!"
Jim squeaks, "Hit me."
He gets a TWO! Jim is at 20!
"Sta..."
"Take another card Jim."
"I Have 20, I'm going to Stay!" Jim shouts!
"JIM I COMMAND YOU TO TAKE ANOTHER CARD!"
"Hit me," Jim whispers, he is dealt an Ace... 21
The dealer is lost for words, Jim is close to tears.
After what seemed like an eternity the Voice says something,
"No Fucking Way..."



 
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IowaSkinsFan
Old 08-29-2011, 02:37 AM #329 (permalink)  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Warpe View Post
He had a good business, a loving wife, two children, and a good house.
One day as he is eating breakfast he hears a booming voice, "Jim I want you to sell your business."
Jim is startled, "Why?"
"Just do it, trust me."
"Who are..."
"TRUST ME"
So Jim ends up selling his business for 3 million dollars.
"Now I want you to go to Las Vegas."
"Vegas?"
"VEGAS."
So Jim listens and goes to Vegas.
"Play Black Jack Jim," the booming voice tells him.
"Black Jack?" Jim responds.
"Black Jack."
So Jim walks over to the Black Jack table and takes a seat.
"Jim," the voice tells him "bet everything on this hand."
"Wait, what?"
"Trust me," the voice tells him.
"3 million dollars on this next hand," Jim tells to the dealer.
The dealer is dumbfounded, slowly he nods and deals out the cards. Jim gets a Jack and a 4, 14.
"Take a card," the voice tells him.
"Hit me," Jim says.
He gets a 3, he has 17.
"Take another card."
"What?"
"Take another CARD"
"H-Hit me" Jim Is starting to sweat now. The dealer deals him an ACE, 18.
"Take another card Jim."
Jim yells, "I have 18!"
"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!"
Jim squeaks, "Hit me."
He gets a TWO! Jim is at 20!
"Sta..."
"Take another card Jim."
"I Have 20, I'm going to Stay!" Jim shouts!
"JIM I COMMAND YOU TO TAKE ANOTHER CARD!"
"Hit me," Jim whispers, he is dealt an Ace... 21
The dealer is lost for words, Jim is close to tears.
After what seemed like an eternity the Voice says something,
"No Fucking Way..."
Omg dying
Check out the new blog!!!
 
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oskar
Old 01-10-2012, 07:44 AM #330 (permalink)  
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 I've heard this joke somewhere and it was hilarious, I only remember the punchline, but it hangs on the details. I've been trying to recreate it, I hope it works.
I think it works best with a kind of Norm Macdonald delivery.

So there's these two bachellors sharing an appartement. One goes to the other: I know this new game. It's called 'hide the banana'.
The other one asks: What is that game?
He says: You go stand over there with your face to the wall. You take off your pants and count down from ten. While you do that, I am going to hide a banana
somewhere in this room. After you have conted down from ten, you turn around and search the banana. If you find the banana, you can fuck me up the ass.
I'll hide it behind the couch.
The strengh of a hero is defined by the weakness of his villains.
 
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bode
Old 01-10-2012, 02:52 PM #331 (permalink)  
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 President Obama goes on a State visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem, he has a fatal heart attack. The undertaker tells the US diplomats: "You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100."

The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend $100?"

One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. We simply can't take that risk."
Quote:
eeevees are not monies yet...they are like baby monies.
 
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Sasquach991
Old 01-10-2012, 05:13 PM #332 (permalink)  
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Tim Tebow: I haven't seen a white Bronco in the news this much since OJ...
"Just cause I'm from the South don't mean I ain't got no book learnin'"

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Originally Posted by a500lbgorilla View Post
...we've all learned long ago how to share the truth without actually having the truth.
 
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Galapogos
Old 01-11-2012, 02:23 AM #333 (permalink)  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oskar View Post
I've heard this joke somewhere and it was hilarious, I only remember the punchline, but it hangs on the details. I've been trying to recreate it, I hope it works.
I think it works best with a kind of Norm Macdonald delivery.

So there's these two bachellors sharing an appartement. One goes to the other: I know this new game. It's called 'hide the banana'.
The other one asks: What is that game?
He says: You go stand over there with your face to the wall. You take off your pants and count down from ten. While you do that, I am going to hide a banana
somewhere in this room. After you have conted down from ten, you turn around and search the banana. If you find the banana, you can fuck me up the ass.
I'll hide it behind the couch.
I picture him telling this joke with Norm being the guy learning the game and Andy Richter being the one explaining it to him.


Quote:
Originally Posted by sauce123
I don't get why you insist on stacking off with like jack high all the time.
 
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flomo
Old 01-11-2012, 02:31 AM #334 (permalink)  
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 Knock, knock
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Protect dog
 
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Old 01-11-2012, 03:55 AM #335 (permalink)  
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start using your brain more and vagina less
 
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Old 01-11-2012, 07:06 AM #336 (permalink)  
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Lucothefish
Old 02-09-2012, 09:12 AM #337 (permalink)  
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 How could you tell the bird was out of breath? It was a puffin.
Stephen Hawking. Not as daft as he looks.
I had phone sex last night... had to get the morning after bill
To be perfectly honest, I don't know what I see in my imaginary girlfriend
There was once a very artistic knight..He went into battle and drew his sword

Me and my friend were caught stealing a calendar. We got 6 months each
A bug just crawled under my keyboard. But I have it under ctrl.
What is a prisoners favourite dessert? anything, as long as it's custody
Who will take the second shot in this snooker game? Find out after the break.
What do you call a woman who talks after sex? A taxi.

What's the opposite of domestic violence? A good sandwich.
What's worse than amnesia? I forgot.
I always beat my friend at blow football, He sucks.
When people with lisps say "Bithneth", you know they mean business.
IV no need for Roman numerals.

Just had an interview for a hammer factory. I nailed it.
Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
Drugs don't ruin your career. Drug tests do.
What has two wings and a halo? A Chinese telephone.
Where do people with gambling addictions go? Tibet

I see french connection have brought out some afteshave. "Stings like FCUK"
How do you make a Jew uncomfortable? Pass a little gas.
On the one hand, Captain Hook was pretty awesome.
I called my three children Flour, Yeast & Water. They're all inbred.
What do you call an Arab dairy farmer? A milk sheikh.

What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your dick is hanging out.
I saw a man on a bike go past my house twice. I thought 'he recycles'
I just bought a new car called the Chimadena. It's made in China.
Finishing a book is one of the best feelings ever. End of story.
When i found out the council had closed down my allotment, I lost the plot.

Whats a cocaine addicts favourite type of joke? a one liner
<@d0zer> how will you learn if I don't berate you harshly?
 
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Old 03-08-2012, 02:49 PM #338 (permalink)  
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 How many Ugandan children does it take to screw in a light bulb?



Who knows, they're invisible!

That's how winners play; we convince the other guy he's making all the right moves.
 
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OngBonga
Old 03-09-2012, 03:55 PM #339 (permalink)  
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 How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to change the bulb, the other to suck my cock.
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ongies gonna ong
 
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Old 03-09-2012, 05:46 PM #340 (permalink)  
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How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to change the bulb, the other to suck my cock.
How many doctors does it take to treat her for the oozing sores on her mouth after?


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I don't get why you insist on stacking off with like jack high all the time.
 
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OngBonga
Old 03-09-2012, 05:54 PM #341 (permalink)  
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 It would take two doctors, one to check her out and another female blonde one to suck my cock. I sense a fun day in store.
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ongies gonna ong
 
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OngBonga
Old 03-09-2012, 06:04 PM #342 (permalink)  
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 Two rashers of bacon and a mushroom in a frying pan, sizzling away.
Suddenly, the mushrooms says,
"Fucking hell it's hot in here",
To which one rasher of bacon says to the other,
"Holy shit a talking mushroom".

What's blue and fucks old women?
Me in my blue coat.

Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.

What's the difference between an egg and a wank?
You can beat an egg.

I was walking through the woods today with <enter name of current missing child> and he/she said to me "I'm scared", to which I replied "You're scared? I've got to walk back on my own."

What's got eight legs and a black cunt?
The A-Team
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ongies gonna ong
 
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wufwugy
Old 03-09-2012, 06:13 PM #343 (permalink)  
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 the jews
 
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Old 03-09-2012, 07:54 PM #344 (permalink)  
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Three. One to eat it and two to watch for cars.
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...we've all learned long ago how to share the truth without actually having the truth.
 
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Lucothefish
Old 04-11-2012, 01:51 PM #345 (permalink)  
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 A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

'You are back so soon... Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired. 'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.' 'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Home Depot either.'
<@d0zer> how will you learn if I don't berate you harshly?
 
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