My Joke - If you read you must reply w/ a better one

[bigspenda73]

A husband and wife were out golfing one afternoon and had just reached the ninth hole. The wife, being impatient, was standing at the womens tee 100 yards ahead of her husband. The husband swung and sent a ball right at her, hitting her in the head and knocking her unconscious. The husband took her to the hospital, and everything was all right. However, the doctor had a question, "I see why she was knocked out, there was a huge knot on her head, but why was there a golf ball stuck in her ass."

The husband replied, "Doc, that was my mulligan."

[boost]

what did the black guy get on his SAT?










































barbeque sssssauce (say it like in the baby back ribs chili's song)

[swiggidy]

What's a word that starts with an "n" and ends with an "r" that you don't ever want to refer to a black person as...

In white:
Neighbor

[euphoricism]

What do you call a black person that flys a plane? A pilot you fucking racists.

/recycled.

[boost]

euph nice, when I started reading it I was afraid that I had opened the flood gates for racist jokes.

as for a joke, I stole this from a scene in a movie but w/e..

So Tim and Brian highschool seniors and best freinds. They are in the locker room, as they get ready for gym class Tim turns to Brian and starts to brag about how he just fingered Amanda the hottest girl in school. Dewey, the school retard (literally, drooly, beady eyed, downs having retard.) is struggling to get his gym outfit on right next to Tim and Brian.
Tim says, "Hey Brian watch this!" and he goes over to Dewey, sticks his fingers out, and says "smell this." Dewey smells it and says in his dopey downs voice, "Whats that?" "Something youll probably never get a chance to smell again, pussy!" Being a retard dewey doesnt quite catch that hes being made fun of, on the contrary he thinks that these boys are being nice to him. So he wants to play along and sticks his finger under Tim's nose and says "Smell this!" Tim quickly recoils in disgust, "what the hell is that?"













































Dewey, "My ass"

[mrhappy333]

whats the difference between a Black Jew and a White Jew?






































































The Black Jew has to sit in the back of the Oven.

[bearcats05]

whats the difference between a Black Jew and a White Jew?
The Black Jew has to sit in the back of the Oven

well since you posted this im going to have to post this sick one...

whats the difference between a jew and a cookie?




the cookie doesnt scream when you throw it in the oven.

[mrhappy333]

what do you call a spanish midget?


Cuntswaylow

[bode]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

[swiggidy]

How do you turn your dishwasher into a snow-blower?

Give her a shovel.

[hydroseeds]

Why did the energizer bunny get put in jail?




He was charged with battery.

[thenonsequitur]

Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Every calendar's days are numbered.

[boost]

two muffins in a oven, blueberry says "yo banana nut, its hot as fuck in hear, eh?" what does banana nut say back?































"OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN!"

[bode]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Oklahoma stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.

One button at a time........

No one moves..................

He removes his shirt................

Muscles ripple across his chest..........

She gasps....................................



He whispers......................................







"Iron this... Then get me a beer ."

[Warpe]

Guy's sitting at a bar, this good looking woman across the room makes eye contact and slinks up to him. She sits down on the stool beside him, starts making small talk, then leans in close and says, "For $100, I'll do anything you want."

"Anything?" he says.

"Anything," she says, as she puts her hand on his thigh and smiles.

Guy thinks for a bit and says, "Okay, you're on. Paint my house."

[Warpe]

Guy meets a hoooker in a bar.
Hooker says, "I give the best handjobs in the world. $200 to find out how good they are."
Guy says, "No way. What could possibly be so special about your handjobs?"
Hooker points out the window to a Ferrari parked outside. "See that car? I paid for that car with the money I made from handjobs. Trust me, they're good."
Guy's a little drunk, so he thinks for a second, figures what the hell and digs into his wallet. They go out to the Ferrari and, sure enough, it is the most incredible handjob he has ever had in his life, definitely worth the money.

Back in the bar, the guy's thinking about his experience. "How much for a blowjob?", he asks the hooker.
"$1000," she says.
He laughs. "You're kidding, right?"
She points out the window to a highrise upscale condo. "See that building over there? I own that building. I paid for it with the money I made from blowjobs. I give the best blowjobs in the world."
"$1000, eh?" (he's Canadian). "You take credit cards?"
They go back out to the car. Sure enough, it's the most mind-blowing blowjob he's ever had, bar none, definitely worth the money.

They's back in the bar. Now this guy's convinced.
"So...how much for some pussy?"
"Come outside with me," she says.
They go outside and she points down the street to some tall office buildings.
"See those office towers over there?"
"No way...," he says, incredulous.
"If I had a pussy..."

[bigred]

A black baby is born with wings. One day while contemplating the reason for his existence, he looks up at the heavens and says "God, was I given wings and put on this Earth as an Angel?

God replied " Nah nigga, you a bat"

[mrhappy333]

Not a joke, but funny stuff heard over the Airlines PA.


All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. On a flight to Tampa... "To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

6. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

7. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

8. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

9. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

10. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

11. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

12. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

13. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

14. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

15. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"



16. On a Southwest flight: "If you're connecting to another Southwest flight, you'll find monitors in the concourse with gate information and departure times. If you're connecting to another airline... who cares?"

[swiggidy]

Not a joke, but funny stuff heard over the Airlines PA.

The bottom cushion of your seat is a floatation device. If we crash in the water grab your seat and kick your legs toward the nearest piece of land. Keep that seat cushion, complementary of Southwest Airlines.

[Numbr2intheWorld]

Why do women never need to get a driver's license?






















A: Because there's no highway between the bedroom and the kitchen[/u]

[mrhappy333]

BUPM

[swiggidy]

I don't think this one made it, which I find very surprising

Q: What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded!!!

[Anosmic]

The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs.

As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.
"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."

"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."

[Warpe]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa."

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jim Beam and women with big boobs."

[Jimmy Mac]

Man walks into a dentist's office.

Dentist: What seems to be the trouble.
Man: I think I'm a moth.
Dentist: You think you're a moth?
Man: Yes
Dentist: If you think you're a moth, why have you come to the dentist?
Man: Well, the light was on.

[Warpe]

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

[Warpe]

At the exact same time, there are two men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting a blowjob from a 350 pound woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?














"Don't look down...Don't look down...Don't look down..."

[mrhappy333]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast
Table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
Jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon, the
Two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples
Are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

[Da GOAT]

whats brown and runs down babies nappies??













R Kellys hand

[mrhappy333]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.

Obviously, he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him. "I'm
not sure what to do," says the Devil.. "you're on my list, but I have no
room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to
have to let someone else go.

"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let
one of them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let you
decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over again.
Such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George shouted. "I don't think so. I am not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge
hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was s swing the hammer, over
and over, time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George .

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does
best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."






The Devil smiled and said "O.K., Monica, you're free to go!"

[mrhappy333]

Not a Joke? But Good.

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afganistan. One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed athiest and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off his platform.

The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So, He sent me."

[mrhappy333]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little
TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the
sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the
top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice
cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

[Pay4myCad!!]

Good stuff
No arms no leg guy jokes:
U know most of 'em but I think i made these 2 up.
Whaddaya call a guy with no legs and no arms under a car?

Jack


In a mailbox?

Bill

K, here's the rest...

In front of a door?

Matt

Hanging on a wall?

Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a gully?
Rocky

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a field of marijuana?
Bud

What do you call an electrician with no arms and no legs?
Sparky

What do you call a plumber with no arms and no legs?
Wet

What do you call a cat with no legs?
Dogfood

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He won't come when you call him anyway.

What do you call two guys with no arms or legs hanging over your window?
Curt n' Rod

What was the name of the limbless guy that fell in the fire?
Bernie

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 6 feet under?
Doug

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 3 feet under?
Douglas

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and no torso?
Dick

What do you call a legless and armless boy on a baseball team?
First base

What was the name of the limbless guy that was boiled by cannibals?
Stu

What was the name of the limbless girl who was stuck on a femce?
Barb

What was the name of the limbless guy that worked at the soda plant?
Tab

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that sits on top of a podium?
Mike


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs water-skiing?
Skip

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs rolling around on the beach?
Sandy

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole in the ground?
Phil

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs trying to hold-up a bank?
Rob

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other, married to a politician?
Tipper

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on a dirt road?
Dusty

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who left a smudge on your floor?
Mark

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that just fell out of a boat?
Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs flying over a fence?
Homer

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on a grill?
Frank

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a grill?
Patty

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a pile of leaves?
Russell


Ok. This became pretty lame.

I'll finish it with my favorite punchline:
Wreaked him? Hell, damn near killed 'im!

[SmackinYaUp]

Wow, the one good thread I ever started...Can't believe its still going. Look at the first post date...damn my jokes sucked

[Lukie]

q: what did the dishwasher say to the oven?

a: man, you-are-hot!!!!!!!!!!!!

[gabe]

Two crocodiles were flying above the Pacific. Suddenly the one in the middle says: WTF we've been flying for a week and it's still Friday!!!

[gabe]

Jewish child molester: "Hey kid you wanna buy some candy?"

[SmackinYaUp]

Two crocodiles were flying above the Pacific. Suddenly the one in the middle says: WTF we've been flying for a week and it's still Friday!!!

A doctor who specializes in skin diseases will dream that he has fallen asleep in front of the television....

[mrhappy333]

How Long is a Chinese man.

[mrhappy333]

Why is Laura Bush always on top when she and George have sex?










Because George can only Fuck up.

[mrhappy333]

why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had 4 doors ,it would be a chicken sedan. LOL

[IowaSkinsFan]

A priest and a Rabbi are walking dow the street.
A feminine looking 12 year old boy walks boy, so the priest says to the rabbi.
"Let's screw him"
So the Rabbi says,
"No that would be wrong."



A guy walks into a doctor's office with a 11inch railroad stake sticking out of his head.
So the doctor asks him, "sir, what seems to be the problem."
And the guy goes, "I have a railroad stake sticking out of my head."

[gabe]

why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had 4 doors ,it would be a chicken sedan. LOL

ha i like

[Zee Devee]

A priest and a Rabbi are walking dow the street.
A feminine looking 12 year old boy walks boy, so the priest says to the rabbi.
"Let's screw him"
So the Rabbi says,
"No that would be wrong."



A guy walks into a doctor's office with a 11inch railroad stake sticking out of his head.
So the doctor asks him, "sir, what seems to be the problem."
And the guy goes, "I have a railroad stake sticking out of my head."

Why are these funny?




Anyway...
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[mrhappy333]

>A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde
>came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other
>and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied,
>"You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it
>and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it
>was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece
>of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She
>drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over
>to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this
>car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there." If you're not
>sure what a 710 is Click Here < http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

[bigspenda73]

A priest and a Rabbi are walking dow the street.
A feminine looking 12 year old boy walks boy, so the priest says to the rabbi.
"Let's screw him"
So the Rabbi says,
"No that would be wrong."

Real punchline: Rabbi says "out of what?"

[mrhappy333]

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a
primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a
discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives
on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes
along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss. " The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.
Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who
can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand.
In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends
Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown
to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And
can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be
a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.

[Ghandii]

Why do women have legs?









A: Did you ever see the mess a snail makes?

[mrhappy333]

On the first day of college, the Dean addresses the students:
"The female dorm is off limits for male students, and the Male dorm to the female students" Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $40 for the first offense, $100 for the second offense, and $200 on the third offense. Are there any questions?

At this point a male student raises his hand and asks: "How much for a season pass?"

[Isop]

A husband and wife are out for a round of golf at a really nice course.
On the fifth tee, the husband slices his ball, which flies off the course and breaks through a window of a massive house next to the fairway.

The husband and wife embarrassedly go to the huge carved wooden door and knock. When noone answers, they knock harder, and the door opens a little. The husband and wife agree to go in, collect their ball, and leave a note for the owner describing what had happened. So, they go in, looking around in wonder at the beautiful house and all the wonderful things in it. They head down the hall to the room the ball was shot into, and along with the broken window they find a small glass lamp, broken on the floor next to their ball.

The husband quickly picks the ball up, and when they turn to leave the room an elegantly dressed mature man is standing in the doorway. The husband and wife immediately begin to apologize, but the man quickly says "Never mind about the window - that small glass lamp was a genie's lamp, and I am a genie. I have been trapped in that lamp for a thousand years, and you have freed me.

"Normally a genie will give 3 wishes, but that is for rubbing the lamp. As you have broken my lamp, these are the last 3 wishes I will ever grant. So instead of you getting 3 wishes, we're each going to get one." So the genie turns to the husband and asks him for his wish.

The husband thinks for a moment, and answers: "I'd like to have a million dollars given to me each year for the rest of my life."

"Done, " the genie said. "Now you," indicating the wife.

The wife didn't have to think about it. "I'd like a villa in every country in the world, with all the servants and amenities and all the wonderful things that come with gentry living."

'Done," responded the genie. "Now, for my turn." The genie collected his thoughts, turned to the husband and said "I want to have sex with your wife."

Well, the husband and wife were quite taken aback with this. They huddled together in a corner of the room and discuss it.
"What do you think about this?"
"I dunno honey, what do you think?"
"Well, I think that we have a million dollars a year, beautiful homes in every country in the world, and we have each other - if you want to sleep with him for one night I can live with it."

So the wife considers the situation. Her husband was right - they didn't have any financial worries anymore, they could enjoy life to the fullest anywhere in the world from now on, and the genie was _quite_ good looking - he sure didn't look a thousand years old. So, only somewhat reluctantly, she agrees to the genie's proposal.

Hours later, the genie and wife are basking in the afterglow, and the genie asks the wife: "So how old is your husband?"

"37, why?"









"He still believes in genies?"

[Galapogos]

Some guy is out at a bar drinking with his buddy. They get pretty shitfaced and later on in the night. He says to his buddy, "Oh fuck! I smell like beer, I have beer all over me, if my wife finds out I was out getting drunk again this week she's going to be so mad!"

"No problem," says his friend, "just take this $20 bill and stick it in your pocket. Tell her you just had a few social drinks but some drunk spilled his drink on you and gave you this money for the drycleaning."

So the guy thinks that's a great idea and they continue drinking until closing time. Later on that night he comes home and stumbles through the door and his wife is up waiting for him and she's pissed. So this guy does his best to speak sober to her.

"Where were you? You were out drinking again! I can smell it on you and your clothes are drenched in booze!" she said.

"No you're wrong," he replies, "I just went out for a few social drinks with my friend. But some asshole spilled his drink all over me. That's why I smell. He even gave me $20 for the dry cleaning."

The wife checks his pockets and says, "There's $40 in here though."

"Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too."

[Galapogos]

What happens when a jew walks into a wall with an erection?

He breaks his nose.



This one's better in person:

What's British Columbia's most popular red wine?

"Yoo tuk my land" <--- best native accent I could pull off with text

[Wendylady31]

Yeah i'm gonna go there and post men bashing jokes!

Why don't men wear tight underwear?
It cuts off circulation to the brain!

Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know."
When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, "Ohhhhhh."

Why are vibrators better than men?
Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you don't have to do their laundry!

Why do men die before their wives?
They should.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

How does a man keep his youth?
By giving them money, furs and diamonds.

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.

What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Why are hangovers better than men?
Hangovers will go away.

How are men and batteries different?
Batteries have a positive side.

Why is virginity like a baloon?
All it takes is one small prick and it's gone.

What is the difference between garbage and men?
Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!

How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No one knows, the ex-wife always gets the house.

Why are men like strawberries?
Because they take a long time to mature and by the time they do most are rotten.

Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.

What do UFO's and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.

Why is dating like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

How do you confuse a man?
You don't have to - they're born that way

Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?
Because they dribble before they shoot.

What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority

What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down

What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching himself. The other is a chimpanzee.

How can you tell if your husband's dead?
Sex is the same but you get the remote.

What food describes most men?
Jerky.

Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
In the pages of a romance novel.

How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

Why did they kick the man out of the airport?
He kept throwing stale bread at the plane.

What's the hardest thing to teach a man?
How to operate a waste basket.

What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.

Did you hear about the two men who went ice fishing?
They caught 200 pounds of ice, but drowned when they tried to cook it.

Then there's the jigsaw puzzle for men.
It only has one piece, And most of the time, it's missing.

Why did God create men?
She forgot to put the legs on snakes.

Why women like bidets?
Because men don't know what they are.

How do you get a man on the roof?
Tell him the beers on the house.

Do you always tell your husband when you've had an orgasm?
No way! I'm not going to call home every time!

When does a man develop a brain?
The day he gets married.

Why did the man sell his water skis?
He couldn't find a lake on a hill.

How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
He thinks "harass" is two words

Why don't men die in their sleep?
'Cuz they can't do two things at the same time.

What do you call a caring, considerate and gifted man?
A Myth.

Why do women always wear black to bed?
To mourn the dead pricks beside them!!

[mrhappy333]

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I woul d like to join this damn church."


The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language



They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"



"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."



"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

[Bar Nuthin]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says. "Bartender, I'll have a beer and a mop".

[mrhappy333]

A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

[IowaSkinsFan]

So a lemur who shits tadpoles and a boar who eats aborted fetuses
are stuck in a traffic jam in New York rush hour. Suddenly the lemur turns to the boar and says "I keep trying to shove this aluminum can in my ass but all it does is flatten out."

[Isop]

So a lemur who shits tadpoles and a boar who eats aborted fetuses
are stuck in a traffic jam in New York rush hour. Suddenly the lemur turns to the boar and says "I keep trying to shove this aluminum can in my ass but all it does is flatten out."

Is this supposed to make sense? 'Cause I don't get it.

[thepokervirgin]

What's the difference between a blond and a mosquito?













The mosquito will stop sucking after you slap it.

[Warpe]

Two guys are golfing but keep getting held up by the twosome of women playing in front of them.

"Maybe we should ask them if we can play through," says one guy.

"I'll go ask them," says the other. He starts walking up the fairway towards the women but then suddenly turns around and walks back.

"I can't ask them. It's my wife and my mistress."

"I'll go ask them then," says his buddy.

He starts walking up the fairway but then he, too, turns around and walks back.

"Talk about a small world," he says.

[bode]

heard this on a movie the other day


what are 3 things a black man cant get?


a black eye, a fat lip, and a job

[Warpe]

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job seven years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and B.S. with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless


Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one!

[Jack Sawyer]

A wealthy NYC stock broker talks with a loan officer at a bank. He says, he needs to go out of the country for a month, and he needed to take out a short term loan for $5,000. The officer asks what he will be using for collateral, and the man hands the officer the keys to his Ferrari, parked outside. The officer accepts, the man finishes the paperwork, the bank moves the Ferrari into their garage, and the man leaves the bank by taxi. A month later he returns and pays off the entire loan, plus the $50 in interest it accrued. Before he left, the loan officer says, “I really shouldn’t be so nosy, but everyone here has just been dying for you to get back so we can ask: why would somebody with a $200,000 Ferrari need a $5,000 loan?” The man replies, “I didn’t need the $5,000. But where else in New York City could I park my car for a month for $50?”

[BankItDrew]

A rabbi, an Arab, a robot, and a Catholic priest walk into a bar. Only the robot exits.

A robot walks into a pharmacy. The pharmacist asks him if he'd like anything. The robot replies, "A soul."

How do you stop a robot from destroying you and the rest of civilization?
You don't.

"Waiter! Waiter! What's this robot doing in my soup?"
"It looks like he's performing human tasks twice as well, because he knows no fear or pain."

Knock knock.
Who's there?
A robot.
Oh, shit.

What's the difference between a regular robot and a killer robot?
The gnawing jeers of men.

What's a robot's favorite cereal?
Rob-os.
(Note: Rob-os are made of the tears of human children.)

Little Susie tosses a clock out the window. A robot inquires, "Why did you do that?" She replies, "I wanted to see time fly!" The robot says, "Ah ... A perfect subject for elimination," and shoots her with a laser beam through the face.

Why did the robot order a milkshake?
To blend in with the general human population, making it easier to infiltrate society and—in time—conquer it.

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a robot.

[PokerSwede]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[will641]

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

[mrhappy333]

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him: "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.

[Ragnar4]

A game warden rolls up on a southern man walking out of a fishing hole with a huge cooler full of fish.

"Sir, may I see your liscence for those fish, and how many do you have? It appears you're over the legal limit for this fishing area"

The Southern man thinks for a moment and says. "Naah siree, this here's my pet fishes. I take 'em down to tha fishin' hole and let em swim around, when play time is over, I whistle and they get jump back in the cooler"

The game warden doesn't believe this for a second, but he says, "Ok, I've got to see this."

The southern gentlemen leads the warden down to the hole, and says, "ok boys, more play time, have fun" and dumps them into the water, they all swim off"

After a few minutes the game warden says "Well"?

"Well what?"

"you gonna whistle and call those fish back sir?"

"What fish"

-------

How many dead prostitutes does it take to fill up the trunk of a 1967 chevy impala?

More than 7, but I'm gettin' close.

What's the difference between a truck full of bowlingballs, and a truck full of dead babies?

You can't move the bowlingballs with a pitchfork.

How do you make a 7 year old cry twice?

Whipe your bloody dick off with her teddybear.

[mrhappy333]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"



John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him go there."

[mrhappy333]

Texas Troopers

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??''
The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''

''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''

The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.

''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.

''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a bitch would have tried that crap with me!'''

[jdubs]

Little late but.....


What did the easter egg say to the boiling water?



It might take me awhile to get hard, I just got laid.

[SGTChuck]

What do you do if your wife is stumbling around in the backyard?

Shoot her again.

[triumphant cracker]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.

A lady cashier walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door is open.'

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, 'Your fly is open.'

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his 'barracks door.'

He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said,

When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?'

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said 'No, no I didn't. . . . . . . All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.

[Thunder]

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
'

[triumphant cracker]

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'