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Chuck Norris Facts!!

  
 
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shysti
Old 01-20-2006, 05:53 PM     Post subject: Chuck Norris Facts!! #1 (permalink)  
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 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.


If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris' big cock theory of space-time".


Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris could have any woman he wants, but he has never had sex. He only masturbates because the only person good enough to have sex with Chuck is Chuck

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
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a500lbgorilla
Old 01-20-2006, 05:59 PM #2 (permalink)  
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Hi, 6 months ago.

Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
You mean the revolver, sir?
Precisely.
 
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shysti
Old 01-20-2006, 06:01 PM #3 (permalink)  
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WildBobAA
Old 01-20-2006, 07:12 PM #4 (permalink)  
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When Chuck Norris jumps in a lake, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the lake gets Chuck Norris.
 
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a500lbgorilla
Old 01-20-2006, 07:18 PM #5 (permalink)  
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The best line along this trend is:

Reggie Bush was meant to die for our sins, but Jesus himself said it would have been a sin to not watch Reggie play football.

Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
You mean the revolver, sir?
Precisely.
 
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ville18
Old 01-20-2006, 07:36 PM #6 (permalink)  
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gg gorilla.
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ProZachNation
Old 01-20-2006, 08:03 PM #7 (permalink)  
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wow gg way to rip of a thread made by me a few months ago, how about you got fuck yourself with a baseball bat.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrhappy333
I didn't think its Bold to bang some chick with my bro. but i guess so... thats +EV in my book.
 
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boost
Old 01-20-2006, 08:50 PM #8 (permalink)  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ProZachNation
wow gg way to rip of a thread made by me a few months ago, how about you got fuck yourself with a baseball bat.
Might I suggest a wooden bat, while it carries a higher probabily of splintering.. well just trust me you dont want to get an aluminum splinter in your sphincter. Just believe me on this one, its not a fun ordeal.
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a500lbgorilla
Old 01-21-2006, 01:18 PM #9 (permalink)  
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Jack Bauer Facts:

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
You mean the revolver, sir?
Precisely.
 
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boost
Old 01-22-2006, 01:29 PM #10 (permalink)  
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swiggidy
Old 01-28-2006, 12:52 AM #11 (permalink)  
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 http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty
(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")
 
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ProZachNation
Old 01-28-2006, 01:35 AM #12 (permalink)  
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use search whore!
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrhappy333
I didn't think its Bold to bang some chick with my bro. but i guess so... thats +EV in my book.
 
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boost
Old 01-28-2006, 02:06 AM #13 (permalink)  
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In one episode of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris actually unhinged his jaw and swallowed his black partner whole.
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a500lbgorilla
Old 01-28-2006, 02:46 AM #14 (permalink)  
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Chuck Norris uses live cobras as condoms.

Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
You mean the revolver, sir?
Precisely.
 
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AceJackAJA
Old 01-28-2006, 03:04 PM     Post subject: PENIS! #15 (permalink)  
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lol, i saw this almost identical post on the ultimate-guitar.com forum. Still funny tho
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