My Joke - If you read you must reply w/ a better one

Some guy is out at a bar drinking with his buddy. They get pretty shitfaced and later on in the night. He says to his buddy, "Oh fuck! I smell like beer, I have beer all over me, if my wife finds out I was out getting drunk again this week she's going to be so mad!"

"No problem," says his friend, "just take this $20 bill and stick it in your pocket. Tell her you just had a few social drinks but some drunk spilled his drink on you and gave you this money for the drycleaning."

So the guy thinks that's a great idea and they continue drinking until closing time. Later on that night he comes home and stumbles through the door and his wife is up waiting for him and she's pissed. So this guy does his best to speak sober to her.

"Where were you? You were out drinking again! I can smell it on you and your clothes are drenched in booze!" she said.

"No you're wrong," he replies, "I just went out for a few social drinks with my friend. But some asshole spilled his drink all over me. That's why I smell. He even gave me $20 for the dry cleaning."

The wife checks his pockets and says, "There's $40 in here though."

"Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too."

What happens when a jew walks into a wall with an erection?

He breaks his nose.

This one's better in person:

What's British Columbia's most popular red wine?

"Yoo tuk my land" <--- best native accent I could pull off with text Confused

Yeah i'm gonna go there and post men bashing jokes!

Why don't men wear tight underwear?
It cuts off circulation to the brain!

Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know."
When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, "Ohhhhhh."

Why are vibrators better than men?
Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you don't have to do their laundry!

Why do men die before their wives?
They should.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

How does a man keep his youth?
By giving them money, furs and diamonds.

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.

What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Why are hangovers better than men?
Hangovers will go away.

How are men and batteries different?
Batteries have a positive side.

Why is virginity like a baloon?
All it takes is one small prick and it's gone.

What is the difference between garbage and men?
Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!

How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No one knows, the ex-wife always gets the house.

Why are men like strawberries?
Because they take a long time to mature and by the time they do most are rotten.

Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.

What do UFO's and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.

Why is dating like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

How do you confuse a man?
You don't have to - they're born that way

Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?
Because they dribble before they shoot.

What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority

What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down

What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching himself. The other is a chimpanzee.

How can you tell if your husband's dead?
Sex is the same but you get the remote.

What food describes most men?
Jerky.

Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
In the pages of a romance novel.

How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

Why did they kick the man out of the airport?
He kept throwing stale bread at the plane.

What's the hardest thing to teach a man?
How to operate a waste basket.

What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.

Did you hear about the two men who went ice fishing?
They caught 200 pounds of ice, but drowned when they tried to cook it.

Then there's the jigsaw puzzle for men.
It only has one piece, And most of the time, it's missing.

Why did God create men?
She forgot to put the legs on snakes.

Why women like bidets?
Because men don't know what they are.

How do you get a man on the roof?
Tell him the beers on the house.

Do you always tell your husband when you've had an orgasm?
No way! I'm not going to call home every time!

When does a man develop a brain?
The day he gets married.

Why did the man sell his water skis?
He couldn't find a lake on a hill.

How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
He thinks "harass" is two words

Why don't men die in their sleep?
'Cuz they can't do two things at the same time.

What do you call a caring, considerate and gifted man?
A Myth.

Why do women always wear black to bed?
To mourn the dead pricks beside them!!

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I woul d like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

A skeleton walks into a bar and says. "Bartender, I'll have a beer and a mop".

A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

So a lemur who shits tadpoles and a boar who eats aborted fetuses
are stuck in a traffic jam in New York rush hour. Suddenly the lemur turns to the boar and says "I keep trying to shove this aluminum can in my ass but all it does is flatten out."

What's the difference between a blond and a mosquito?

The mosquito will stop sucking after you slap it.

Two guys are golfing but keep getting held up by the twosome of women playing in front of them.

"Maybe we should ask them if we can play through," says one guy.

"I'll go ask them," says the other. He starts walking up the fairway towards the women but then suddenly turns around and walks back.

"I can't ask them. It's my wife and my mistress."

"I'll go ask them then," says his buddy.

He starts walking up the fairway but then he, too, turns around and walks back.

"Talk about a small world," he says.

heard this on a movie the other day

what are 3 things a black man cant get?

a black eye, a fat lip, and a job

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job seven years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and B.S. with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one!

A wealthy NYC stock broker talks with a loan officer at a bank. He says, he needs to go out of the country for a month, and he needed to take out a short term loan for $5,000. The officer asks what he will be using for collateral, and the man hands the officer the keys to his Ferrari, parked outside. The officer accepts, the man finishes the paperwork, the bank moves the Ferrari into their garage, and the man leaves the bank by taxi. A month later he returns and pays off the entire loan, plus the $50 in interest it accrued. Before he left, the loan officer says, “I really shouldn’t be so nosy, but everyone here has just been dying for you to get back so we can ask: why would somebody with a $200,000 Ferrari need a $5,000 loan?” The man replies, “I didn’t need the $5,000. But where else in New York City could I park my car for a month for $50?”

A rabbi, an Arab, a robot, and a Catholic priest walk into a bar. Only the robot exits.

A robot walks into a pharmacy. The pharmacist asks him if he'd like anything. The robot replies, "A soul."

How do you stop a robot from destroying you and the rest of civilization?
You don't.

"Waiter! Waiter! What's this robot doing in my soup?"
"It looks like he's performing human tasks twice as well, because he knows no fear or pain."

Knock knock.
Who's there?
A robot.
Oh, shit.

What's the difference between a regular robot and a killer robot?
The gnawing jeers of men.

What's a robot's favorite cereal?
Rob-os.
(Note: Rob-os are made of the tears of human children.)

Little Susie tosses a clock out the window. A robot inquires, "Why did you do that?" She replies, "I wanted to see time fly!" The robot says, "Ah ... A perfect subject for elimination," and shoots her with a laser beam through the face.

Why did the robot order a milkshake?
To blend in with the general human population, making it easier to infiltrate society and—in time—conquer it.

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a robot.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him: "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.

A game warden rolls up on a southern man walking out of a fishing hole with a huge cooler full of fish.

"Sir, may I see your liscence for those fish, and how many do you have? It appears you're over the legal limit for this fishing area"

The Southern man thinks for a moment and says. "Naah siree, this here's my pet fishes. I take 'em down to tha fishin' hole and let em swim around, when play time is over, I whistle and they get jump back in the cooler"

The game warden doesn't believe this for a second, but he says, "Ok, I've got to see this."

The southern gentlemen leads the warden down to the hole, and says, "ok boys, more play time, have fun" and dumps them into the water, they all swim off"

After a few minutes the game warden says "Well"?

"Well what?"

"you gonna whistle and call those fish back sir?"

"What fish"

-------

How many dead prostitutes does it take to fill up the trunk of a 1967 chevy impala?

More than 7, but I'm gettin' close.

What's the difference between a truck full of bowlingballs, and a truck full of dead babies?

You can't move the bowlingballs with a pitchfork.

How do you make a 7 year old cry twice?

Whipe your bloody dick off with her teddybear.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him go there."

Texas Troopers

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??''
The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''

''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''

The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.

''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.

''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a bitch would have tried that crap with me!'''

Little late but.....

What did the easter egg say to the boiling water?

It might take me awhile to get hard, I just got laid.

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My Joke - If you read you must reply w/ a better one