My Joke - If you read you must reply w/ a better one

This one works better in person but here goes...

Q: "how do you sell a rabbit to a deaf guy?"

A: "YOU WANNA BUY A RABBIT???!!!!" - [shouted really loud]

As stolen from a 2 and a half Men episode:
Jake: "So if girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where would a girl with one leg work?" . . .

"IHOP!"

What has 7 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard.

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”

“This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”

if racism offends you, skip this post

A woman has just given birth and the midwife comes in and says to the woman "Do you want the good news or the bad news?"
The woman replies "The bad news" to which the midwife answers "The baby's black." The woman then asks "whats is the good news?" The midwife says "It's dead."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

1. Play Every hand. You never know when the poker gods will bless you with an incredible suck out. Consider all money you lost a sacrifice for your big score.

2. Play Any suited cards. They are a gift from the poker gods and should never be squandered.

3. Call any all in when you hold any of face card. Even with a kicker of 2. Again these are a gift from the poker gods. They shouldn’t be squandered.

4. Always call from the blinds. The poker gods will look kindly on you and give you a good flop.

5. Never let some bluff you out of the pot if you hold any of the following hands. An A with and kicker suited or not. You could catch an A on the river and squash them. That goes for Kx QX and Jx too. Any three to a flush or three to a straight. You never know. They could have nothing and you could catch runner runner.

6. When you catch the only card on the river that would beat the trip aces, or any other hand that had you preflop and all the way to the turn make sure and comment about how good a player you are and how stupid they were for ignoring your mastery at the poker table.

7. Kick and scream when you don’t get your don’t get your 2 outer on the river. Call the player the Anti-Poker God and say he is in league with the forces of evil and should be burnt at the stake.

8. Always check your good hands and bet at the river. If the other players made it that far they will always call you on the river. You will have the best hand as reward for your patience.

9. Any two cards can win. Always remember that. They are words to live by.

10. Never read any Poker Books or articles. They will only ruin you as a player. Remember. POKER IS ALL LUCK. Anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot.

Bill Frist. Thread Over.

-Chris

A husband and wife were out golfing one afternoon and had just reached the ninth hole. The wife, being impatient, was standing at the womens tee 100 yards ahead of her husband. The husband swung and sent a ball right at her, hitting her in the head and knocking her unconscious. The husband took her to the hospital, and everything was all right. However, the doctor had a question, "I see why she was knocked out, there was a huge knot on her head, but why was there a golf ball stuck in her ass."

The husband replied, "Doc, that was my mulligan."

what did the black guy get on his SAT?

barbeque sssssauce (say it like in the baby back ribs chili's song)

What's a word that starts with an "n" and ends with an "r" that you don't ever want to refer to a black person as...

In white:
Neighbor

What do you call a black person that flys a plane? A pilot you fucking racists.

/recycled.

euph nice, when I started reading it I was afraid that I had opened the flood gates for racist jokes.

as for a joke, I stole this from a scene in a movie but w/e..

So Tim and Brian highschool seniors and best freinds. They are in the locker room, as they get ready for gym class Tim turns to Brian and starts to brag about how he just fingered Amanda the hottest girl in school. Dewey, the school retard (literally, drooly, beady eyed, downs having retard.) is struggling to get his gym outfit on right next to Tim and Brian.
Tim says, "Hey Brian watch this!" and he goes over to Dewey, sticks his fingers out, and says "smell this." Dewey smells it and says in his dopey downs voice, "Whats that?" "Something youll probably never get a chance to smell again, pussy!" Being a retard dewey doesnt quite catch that hes being made fun of, on the contrary he thinks that these boys are being nice to him. So he wants to play along and sticks his finger under Tim's nose and says "Smell this!" Tim quickly recoils in disgust, "what the hell is that?"

Dewey, "My ass"

whats the difference between a Black Jew and a White Jew?

The Black Jew has to sit in the back of the Oven.

what do you call a spanish midget?

Cuntswaylow

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

How do you turn your dishwasher into a snow-blower?

Give her a shovel.

Why did the energizer bunny get put in jail?

He was charged with battery.

Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Every Calendar's days are numbered.

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My Joke - If you read you must reply w/ a better one