My Joke - If you read you must reply w/ a better one

Proudly showing off his new apartment to some friends late one night, a drunk leads his way to his bedroom where there's a big brass gong.
"Whats with the gong?" one of the friends asks.
"That's no gong," the drunk replies. "Its a talking clock."
"How does it work?" the friend asks.
"Watch," the drunk says. He picks up a hammer, pounds the gong as loudly as he can and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "You poopyhead, it's 10 past four in the morning!"

Thanks for setting the bar so low.

A guy goes to the doctor because he has this dot on his forehead. The doctor examines it and says "Oh my god, I've never seen this before, but I've heard of it! In three days you're going to have a full-sized penis growing out of you forehead!"

"WHAT?" says the man.

"Yeah" says the doctor.

"Well, cut the thing out!"

"I can't," says the doctor, "its attached to your brain, you'd die."

"So you're telling me," says the man, "that in three days, when I get up in the morning and look in the mirror, I'm going to see a penis growing out of my forehead?"

"Oh no no no," says the doc, "you won't see it. The balls will cover your eyes."

---

I like it becuase it's not clever in any way.

-'rilla

How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of it's head.

no dead baby jokes. please.

This one's for gabe.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?

You take your boots off when jumping on a trampoline.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back.?

a stick

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls?

Sparky Laughing

Ok, here's one

Two guys are sitting in a bar on the 60th story of the sears tower in Chicago. The first guy turns to the other and asks "You know why they call this the windy city?" to which the second guy replies "no, why do they?"
"Well," says the second guy, " it's because there is so much wind in the city, obviously. however, did you know the wind is so strong that if you were to jump out one of the windows of this bar, you'd fall to about the 20th story, be caught by the wind, and shot right back up here?"

"You're full of shit!" the second guy exclaimed.

"Watch" says the first guy as he jumps out the window. Sure enough he falls to about the 20th story and all of a sudden he is shot straight up and back into the bar.

"That's amazing" says the second guy, " I have to try this". He then jumps out the window, falls 60 stories, and dies on impact.

The bartender turns to the first guy and says" Superman, you're a real poopyhead when you're drunk."

I feel like telling another

This guy is sitting at a bar looking really depressed. Every few minutes he emits a deep sigh. A second guy can't help but notice and says "Hey buddy, what's wrong?"

The first guy looks at him and says "Friend, some things just can't be explained."

The second guy sits there for a few minutes, and after another procession of deep sighs, he says "Hey buddy, why don't you just try and tell me?"

The first guy looks at him again and says "No really, friend, some things just can't be explained."

"Well" says the second guy, "I've got nothing better to do, I can see you have nothing better to do, why not try?"

"Ok" says the first guy, "but like I said, some things just can't be explained.

'Well I'm a farmer and I was milking my cow this morning. The cow was extra annoyed today so right as I was finishing the first bucket of milk it kicked it over with its leg. Annoyed, but determined, I began to milk again. When I was almost done with another bucket, the cow kicked that over too. Still determined, I didn't have any rope so I decided to take off my belt and tie the cows leg up to the post right next to him. The cow could still stand on its front feet so there wasn't a problem." The farmer then sighed and said "some things just cna't be explained" and stopped talking.

"Please continue the story" said the second guy.

"well, then as I was finishing another bucket, the cow knocked it over with its other leg. I didn't have another belt, so I took off my shirt and tied its other leg to an adjacent post. The cow was now in an awkward position with its legs spread and tied to two posts but it could still stand. Some things can just not be explained."

He sighed

"As I was about to finish the fourth bucket, the cow's tail proceeded to knock the bucket over. Annoyed but determined I stood up to tie the cow's tail to an overhead bar. Now realize I'm standing behind a cow that is spread eagle and I'm lifting it's tail to tie it to a bar. As I'm doing so my pants fall down because I took off my belt. That's when my wife walked in to tell me breakfast was ready. Some things just can't be explained."

Superman is flying through downtown New York one afternoon and as he is flying over some apartment buildings he looks through a window and sees Wonderwoman lying on her bed spread eagle and butt naked.
"Hey," he thinks. "I could just fly down there, fuck her, and fly back out with such superhuman speed that she will never see me or ever know what happened!"
So, he flies down towards the building, through the window and into Wonderwoman's bedroom. He pumps a few times and flies back out again all with superhuman speed.
"What in the hell was that?" asks Wonderwoman.
Invisible Man, who was laying on top of her at the time replies "I dont know, but it hurt like hell!"

I heard the Superman, Wonder Woman, Invisible Man joke in like 3rd grade. Very Happy

-

What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

They both like tight seals.

-

What's the difference between a lawyer and a whore?

A whore stops fucking you when you're dead.

Speaking of seals...

A penguin had some trouble with his car, so he takes it to his mechanics shop and the mechanic tells him it will be a little while before he can take a look at it. The penguin decides to go across the street and get some ice cream. Well, it's a little messy as penguins have a little trouble eating ice cream. He finishes and goes back to the shop and the mechanic tells him, "well, it looks like you blew a seal" and the penguin replies "no, no it's just ice cream".

I also have a great religious joke, but it's horribly offensive. Let me know if I should post it.

OK... A priest and a rabbi are walking down the sidewalk when they get to an intersection. There is a little boy standing there waiting to cross the street. The priest looks at the rabbi and asks "Hey, do you want to screw this little boy?" and the rabbi replies "Out of what?".

This guy walks into a bar in Newfoundland and orders a white wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender
looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya
from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from America."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in America?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what the hell is a
taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

A women was very distraught at the fact that she had
not had a date nor any sex in quite some time. She
was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so
she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex
therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see a
Dr.Chang, the well known sex therapist. So, she went to
see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Chang said "OK,
take off all your crose. Now, get down and crawl
reery fass to the other side of room." So, she did.

Dr. Chang then said. "OK, now crawl reery fass to me."
So she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said,
"You problem vewy bad. You haf Zachary Disease. Worse
case I ever see. That why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "What is Zachary Disease???"

Dr Chang replied, "It when your face rook zachary rike your ass."

And for the techies........

Important Y2K stuff

MILLENNIUM YEAR APPLICATION SOFTWARE SYSTEM (MYASS)

We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data
that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennium
Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to
everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so
that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not
addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can
use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on
it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not
surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid
of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the
program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put
anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time
and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and
she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to
say that after using SAP AND Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS.

I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon
initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated
and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be
required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all
information associated with the business.

So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into
MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be
commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an
employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS".

This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during
recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical
data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided
the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so
rapidly, our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled
them out of MYASS".

Warning, the next joke is not suitable for anyone.

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

A blind guy came to a bar and ask if he can tell a Blond Joke. The bartender said : Well, I'm blond, the two grils beside you are blond and they are martial expert. the two girls behind you are blond and they are just out of jail. Do you still want to tell your joke ?

The blind guy : Well, If I have to explain it 5 times, nevermind.

I'd give the blind guy the finger, cause you know, he's blind.

2 guys are sitting at the bar, just getting started drinking. Paul says, "I can't stay out too late, my wife will kill me."

Jeff replies, "What? You let your wife run the house that way? What do you do when you get home?"

Paul explains, "I try everything. I shut my car off a half a block away from home, coasting the rest of the way with my lights off. I sneak quietly into the house, creep p the stairs and slide my clothes off before gently getting into bed, yet she still wakes up and bitches for an hour."

Jeff gets a disapointed look on his face and says, "You're doing it all wrong. I rev my engine the entire way home, honking the horn and everything. I slam the car door, the front door, and stomp up the stairs and slam the bedroom door. Rip my clothes off, slap my wife on the ass and ask, "Who's Horney!" and she never as much as rolls over."

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.

For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette."

"One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.

Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette".

So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who's water skiing?

SKIP.

what did cinderella say when she got to the ball?

mmfhffhhhfhhmmhh!!!

If Peanut oil is made from Peanuts, and Olive oil is made from Olives.... What's Baby Oil made from?

You get it.

There are two muffins sitting in an oven and one of them says to the other
"Geez its getting hot in here"
and the other muffin says
"oh my God, a talking muffin!"

Q: Why didn't the Teddy bear eat his dinner?
A: Because he was stuffed

Q: What is the best part about having sex with twenty eight year olds?
A: There are twenty of them.

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you
get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my
own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike
to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."

A little boy says to his mother:
"Where do babies come from?"
"The stork brings them dear." Replies his mother.
"Then who f*cks the stork?"

A Jew, an Indain and a Frenchman were travelling across Texas when their car broke down. They knocked on a farmer's door and asked for somewhere to stay for the night.
"I can only put up two" said the farmer, "one will have to sleep in the barn."
"I will sleep in the barn" said the Jew.
Five minutes later there was a knock on the door.
"There's a pig in the barn" siad the Jew, "I cannot sleep with a pig!"
"OK, I'll go" said the Indian.
Five minutes later there was a knock on the door. "There's a cow in the barn" siad the Indian, "I am a Hindu. I cannot sleep with a cow!"
"I'll go" said the Frenchman.
Five minutes later there was another knock on the door. It was the pig and the cow.

If you have a green ball in your right hand, and a green ball in your left hand, what do you have?

Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.

Whats the difference between a blond and a washing machine?

You throw a load in the washing machine, it doesn't follow you around for weeks. Laughing

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street and pass by a Catholic Church. There is a sign out side the church that reads "RECEIVE CHRIST AS YOUR SAVIOUR TODAY AND GET $50!"
The first Jewish guy sighs and shakes his head in disgust, then glances over at this friend who appears to be interested. "Uh-Oh" says the first Jewish guy, and his friend says "Man, don't worry I'm just gonna go inside and check it out real quick, I'll be right back."

So 10 minutes later the second Jewish guy comes back out and his friend is waiting anxiously... "Don't tell me you did it?!" he says.
"Actually...ummm.... yes I did."
The first Jewish guy is in astonishment and takes a few moments then asks "Well did you really get the $50 ?" to which the second Jewish (now Catholic) guy says "MAN! IS that ALL you people think about?"

___________________________________________

A litte Jewish girl goes and asks her dad "Daddy can I have five dollars?"
and her Dad responds "Four dollars?! What on earth do you want with two dollars?!"

A koala bear goes to a prostitute and says all he wants to do is go down on her. So he goes crazy, he's down there for like 2 hours.

When he gets done, he starts walking out. The hooker says "Hey, koala bear, hang on, you gotta pay me. 200 bucks."

koala bear says, "I ain't paying you shit lady."

Prostitute goes, "no, you don't understand, I'm a hooker, you gotta pay me." She then grabs her dictionary from her bedside table and looks up the word prostitute.

"Look, it says right here - 'PROSTITUTE: Performs sexual favors for money.' You got to pay me."

the koala bear snatches the dictionary from her and says "I'm not paying a dime - 'KOALA BEAR: Eats bushes and leaves.'"

This aint a joke but I started the thread so too fuckin bad:

Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands

By
Gerhard Reinke

IRELAND
“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk?
This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”

FRANCE
“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that?
Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”

ITALY
“Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus?
I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”

POLAND
“Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”

GERMANY
“Is this bratwurst kosher?”

TURKEY
“Where’s the hash at?
It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”

KOREA
“Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”

CHINA
“This wall isn’t so great.”

ENGLAND
“Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?”

SWEDEN
“Do you have any normal meatballs?
Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”

YEMEN
“Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?”

INDIA
“You don’t live in teepees?
Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”

ETHIOPIA
“After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!”

CANADA
“You’re like Americans without money.”

SPAIN
“So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow.
Your women can shave if they want to, right?
Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”

SOUTH AFRICA
“I liked it better the other way.”

MEXICO
“What's that smell?”

SAUDI ARABIA
“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car?
Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”

RUSSIA
“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”

UZBEKISTAN
“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”

GREECE
“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

AFGHANISTAN
“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”

JAPAN
“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”

AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”

AMERICA
“Was John Wayne gay?”

We have even had a penguin joke but no jokes about swedes! well, here they come!

A Finn, a Swede and a Norwegian found themselves deserted on a small island. A Cannibal tribe lived on the island, and they emprisoned the three men. The cannibals gave each of them a final wish. First they asked the Norwegian. The Norwegian wanted to see his wife once more. The cannibals went to find the wife. After he saw his wife, the Norwegian was eaten, and the cannibals made a canoe out of his skin. The Finn wanted to smoke one more cigarette. He got his cigarette. After he was finished, he was eaten and his skin was used to make a canoe. Then came the Swede's turn - he wanted a fork. He started to punch holes into himself, and yelled: "YOU WON'T MAKE A CANOE OUT OF ME!"

What is a party game played by Swedes?
One Swede goes into a box and the other Swede tries to guess which Swede is in it.

Q: What's the difference between Swedes and mosquitos?
A: Mosquitos are only annoying in the summer.

Q: Why does the NEW Swedish navy have glass-bottom boats ?
A: To see the OLD Swedish navy.

I think that is it, for a while at least Very Happy

Once upon a time there was a farmer who lived on a farm with baby chickens and a horse. The chickens often got stuck in deep mud holes around the farm, and when this happened the farmer would drive his BMW up next to the mud holes and through them a rope with the other end attached to the back of his car. The baby chickens would grap on and the farmer would use the car to pull them out.

Well, one day the farmer wasn't around and the baby chickens yet again got themselves stuck in a mud hole. The horse happened upon them, and after some thinking he devised a plan. He straddled the hole with his legs and then instructed the baby chickens to grap ahold of his ... "member". Once they did he pulled them out of the hole and to safety.

The end.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

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