My Joke - If you read you must reply w/ a better one

Some guy is out at a bar drinking with his buddy. They get pretty shitfaced and later on in the night. He says to his buddy, "Oh fuck! I smell like beer, I have beer all over me, if my wife finds out I was out getting drunk again this week she's going to be so mad!"

"No problem," says his friend, "just take this $20 bill and stick it in your pocket. Tell her you just had a few social drinks but some drunk spilled his drink on you and gave you this money for the drycleaning."

So the guy thinks that's a great idea and they continue drinking until closing time. Later on that night he comes home and stumbles through the door and his wife is up waiting for him and she's pissed. So this guy does his best to speak sober to her.

"Where were you? You were out drinking again! I can smell it on you and your clothes are drenched in booze!" she said.

"No you're wrong," he replies, "I just went out for a few social drinks with my friend. But some poopyhead spilled his drink all over me. That's why I smell. He even gave me $20 for the dry cleaning."

The wife checks his pockets and says, "There's $40 in here though."

"Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too."

What happens when a jew walks into a wall with an erection?

He breaks his nose.

This one's better in person:

What's British Columbia's most popular red wine?

"Yoo tuk my land" <--- best native accent I could pull off with text Confused

Yeah i'm gonna go there and post men bashing jokes!

Why don't men wear tight underwear?
It cuts off circulation to the brain!

Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know."
When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, "Ohhhhhh."

Why are vibrators better than men?
Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you don't have to do their laundry!

Why do men die before their wives?
They should.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

How does a man keep his youth?
By giving them money, furs and diamonds.

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.

What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Why are hangovers better than men?
Hangovers will go away.

How are men and batteries different?
Batteries have a positive side.

Why is virginity like a baloon?
All it takes is one small prick and it's gone.

What is the difference between garbage and men?
Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!

How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No one knows, the ex-wife always gets the house.

Why are men like strawberries?
Because they take a long time to mature and by the time they do most are rotten.

Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.

What do UFO's and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.

Why is dating like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

How do you confuse a man?
You don't have to - they're born that way

Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?
Because they dribble before they shoot.

What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority

What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Slow down

What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching himself. The other is a chimpanzee.

How can you tell if your husband's dead?
Sex is the same but you get the remote.

What food describes most men?
Jerky.

Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
In the pages of a romance novel.

How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

Why did they kick the man out of the airport?
He kept throwing stale bread at the plane.

What's the hardest thing to teach a man?
How to operate a waste basket.

What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.

Did you hear about the two men who went ice fishing?
They caught 200 pounds of ice, but drowned when they tried to cook it.

Then there's the jigsaw puzzle for men.
It only has one piece, And most of the time, it's missing.

Why did God create men?
She forgot to put the legs on snakes.

Why women like bidets?
Because men don't know what they are.

How do you get a man on the roof?
Tell him the beers on the house.

Do you always tell your husband when you've had an orgasm?
No way! I'm not going to call home every time!

When does a man develop a brain?
The day he gets married.

Why did the man sell his water skis?
He couldn't find a lake on a hill.

How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
He thinks "harass" is two words

Why don't men die in their sleep?
'Cuz they can't do two things at the same time.

What do you call a caring, considerate and gifted man?
A Myth.

Why do women always wear black to bed?
To mourn the dead pricks beside them!!

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I woul d like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language

They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

A skeleton walks into a bar and says. "Bartender, I'll have a beer and a mop".

A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.

"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

So a lemur who shits tadpoles and a boar who eats aborted fetuses
are stuck in a traffic jam in New York rush hour. Suddenly the lemur turns to the boar and says "I keep trying to shove this aluminum can in my ass but all it does is flatten out."

What's the difference between a blond and a mosquito?

The mosquito will stop sucking after you slap it.

Two guys are golfing but keep getting held up by the twosome of women playing in front of them.

"Maybe we should ask them if we can play through," says one guy.

"I'll go ask them," says the other. He starts walking up the fairway towards the women but then suddenly turns around and walks back.

"I can't ask them. It's my wife and my mistress."

"I'll go ask them then," says his buddy.

He starts walking up the fairway but then he, too, turns around and walks back.

"Talk about a small world," he says.

heard this on a movie the other day

what are 3 things a black man cant get?

a black eye, a fat lip, and a job

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job seven years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and B.S. with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one!

A wealthy NYC stock broker talks with a loan officer at a bank. He says, he needs to go out of the country for a month, and he needed to take out a short term loan for $5,000. The officer asks what he will be using for collateral, and the man hands the officer the keys to his Ferrari, parked outside. The officer accepts, the man finishes the paperwork, the bank moves the Ferrari into their garage, and the man leaves the bank by taxi. A month later he returns and pays off the entire loan, plus the $50 in interest it accrued. Before he left, the loan officer says, “I really shouldn’t be so nosy, but everyone here has just been dying for you to get back so we can ask: why would somebody with a $200,000 Ferrari need a $5,000 loan?” The man replies, “I didn’t need the $5,000. But where else in New York City could I park my car for a month for $50?”

A rabbi, an Arab, a robot, and a Catholic priest walk into a bar. Only the robot exits.

A robot walks into a pharmacy. The pharmacist asks him if he'd like anything. The robot replies, "A soul."

How do you stop a robot from destroying you and the rest of civilization?
You don't.

"Waiter! Waiter! What's this robot doing in my soup?"
"It looks like he's performing human tasks twice as well, because he knows no fear or pain."

Knock knock.
Who's there?
A robot.
Oh, shit.

What's the difference between a regular robot and a killer robot?
The gnawing jeers of men.

What's a robot's favorite cereal?
Rob-os.
(Note: Rob-os are made of the tears of human children.)

Little Susie tosses a clock out the window. A robot inquires, "Why did you do that?" She replies, "I wanted to see time fly!" The robot says, "Ah ... A perfect subject for elimination," and shoots her with a laser beam through the face.

Why did the robot order a milkshake?
To blend in with the general human population, making it easier to infiltrate society and—in time—conquer it.

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a robot.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him: "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.

A game warden rolls up on a southern man walking out of a fishing hole with a huge cooler full of fish.

"Sir, may I see your liscence for those fish, and how many do you have? It appears you're over the legal limit for this fishing area"

The Southern man thinks for a moment and says. "Naah siree, this here's my pet fishes. I take 'em down to tha fishin' hole and let em swim around, when play time is over, I whistle and they get jump back in the cooler"

The game warden doesn't believe this for a second, but he says, "Ok, I've got to see this."

The southern gentlemen leads the warden down to the hole, and says, "ok boys, more play time, have fun" and dumps them into the water, they all swim off"

After a few minutes the game warden says "Well"?

"Well what?"

"you gonna whistle and call those fish back sir?"

"What fish"

-------

How many dead prostitutes does it take to fill up the trunk of a 1967 chevy impala?

More than 7, but I'm gettin' close.

What's the difference between a truck full of bowlingballs, and a truck full of dead babies?

You can't move the bowlingballs with a pitchfork.

How do you make a 7 year old cry twice?

Whipe your bloody dick off with her teddybear.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him go there."

Texas Troopers

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??''
The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''

''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''

The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.

''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.

''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a bitch would have tried that crap with me!'''

Little late but.....

What did the easter egg say to the boiling water?

It might take me awhile to get hard, I just got laid.

What do you do if your wife is stumbling around in the backyard?

Shoot her again.

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.

A lady cashier walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door is open.'

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, 'Your fly is open.'

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his 'barracks door.'

He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said,

When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?'

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said 'No, no I didn't. . . . . . . All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
'

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

I phoned the gym to ask if they could teach me to do the splits.

The trainer asked, "how flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

younger sister..

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

always keep your condoms in the car.

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
>
> The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, opens it up and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
>
> The Angel said, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.' Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect
> creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in!

> Would you care to explain that to me?'

> 'Sorry, Dolly' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a
> good pair.'

What's the difference between plastic and a dead baby?

Plastic takes a long time to decompose.

I made that one up.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?'

'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded, 'Pepper.'

A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The country is totally
ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France ) is sending food and money.

The United States , not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to
replace the dead ones.

God Bless America !!!!

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her
more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and
Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.' About a
week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came
to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be
sure. So he sat down and wrote:
___________________________________________________________
Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm
not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
___________________________________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an e-mail back from his mother that
read:
_________________________________ __________________________

Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not
saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that
if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy
ladle by now. Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

women's rights.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and
said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with
another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and
rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as
putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50
in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his
prayer s, and then walked over to the poor box. He
paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to
him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in
the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on
the box, and according to you, that's the same as
putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to
Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she
said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be
forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made
mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink
the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my
sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile
off of your face.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with
only a pet dog for company. One day the dog
died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and

asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be

\saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot
have services for an animal in the church. But there
are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no
tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya
think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the
service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of
Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The
following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old,

have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I
picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to
a motel, where I had sex with each of them three
times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

A man is in bed with his new girlfriend. After
having great sex, she spends the next hour just
stroking his manliness. This was something that
he was never used to before. Rather enjoying it,
he turned and asked her 'Why do you love doing
that?' She replies 'Because I really miss mine'

What did you think of Wayne Rooney's hair cut?

Apparently there was a misundanding - Colleen was offered £100,000 to shave her twat.

Will I live to see 85? I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing ' fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, barbecued ribs or sausage?' I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is veryUnhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating,Hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, ride a Harley, or have aLot of sex?' 'No,' I said. He looked at me and said,

'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

A rich but very elderly man marries a young woman. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.
The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion:

"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."

They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.

Perplexed, they go back to the therapist "Okay" he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, orgasm.

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him triumphantly... "now THAT'S how you wave a fucking towel, son!!

why did the cookie go to the doctor?
because it was feeling crummy!

A pedofile (sp?) and a child were walking through a forest late at night.

Child says, ''Im scared''

Pedo says, ''YOUR SCARED, think how ill feel when Ive to walk back on my own!!!!''

Why are married women heavier than single women ?. . .

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

A young guy from Mississippi moves to New York and goes to a big 'everything under one roof ' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?' The kid says 'Yes sir, I was a salesman back in Mississippi.'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.? After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'
The kid says 'one'.
The boss says 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says '$121,237.65'.
The boss says '$121,237.65?? How's that possible? We don't have anything that cost that much!!!!'
The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.'
The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said 'No sir, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

Q: What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?

A: Einstein's cock.

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City & County Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightend as I am.

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote'.

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing on coming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.
It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'
'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly. 'Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.

'Helllooooooo!! !!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers!'

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

One Saturday night a gay man is out on the town looking for some action. Night club after night club he can't hook up. On his way home he takes a shortcut through the park where he sees a bum passed out on the park bench. Nobody is around, so he has sex with the bum and leaves him $10 for his trouble. The bum wakes up the next day, sees the $10, and goes to the liquor store to buy a bottle of cheap wine.

The next Saturday the same gay guy goes out on the town, doesn't hook up, and sees the same bum passed out on the park bench. Again he has sex with the bum and leaves him $10 for his trouble. The bum wakes up the next day, sees the $10, and goes to the liquor store to buy a bottle of cheap wine.

The next Saturday, the same gay guy goes out, but this time he brings his gay cousin. They both fail to hook up, and on the way home they see the same bum passed out on the park bench. They both have sex with the bum and this time they leave him $20 for his trouble. The bum wakes up the next day, sees the $20 and heads to the liquor store for a bottle of cheap wine.

As the bum walks into the liquor store, the clerk says "Lemme guess, another bottle of cheap wine". The bum says "Gimme some of that expensive stuff, that cheap shit is tearing my ass up".

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb! Bwahaha!

so a blonde walks into the library and goes up to the librarian. loudly and flamboyantly she says, "HI, I'D LIKE A MILKSHAKE, A BURGER, AND SOME FRIES."

the librarian, shocked, replies, "excuse me miss, this is a library."

at this point the blonde is embarrassed and can't believe herself. so she tucks her tail between her legs and quietly whispers, "sorry... can I have a milkshake, a burger, and some fries?"

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