My Joke - If you read you must reply w/ a better one

A husband and wife were out golfing one afternoon and had just reached the ninth hole. The wife, being impatient, was standing at the womens tee 100 yards ahead of her husband. The husband swung and sent a ball right at her, hitting her in the head and knocking her unconscious. The husband took her to the hospital, and everything was all right. However, the doctor had a question, "I see why she was knocked out, there was a huge knot on her head, but why was there a golf ball stuck in her ass."

The husband replied, "Doc, that was my mulligan."

what did the black guy get on his SAT?

barbeque sssssauce (say it like in the baby back ribs chili's song)

What's a word that starts with an "n" and ends with an "r" that you don't ever want to refer to a black person as...

In white:
Neighbor

What do you call a black person that flys a plane? A pilot you fucking racists.

/recycled.

euph nice, when I started reading it I was afraid that I had opened the flood gates for racist jokes.

as for a joke, I stole this from a scene in a movie but w/e..

So Tim and Brian highschool seniors and best freinds. They are in the locker room, as they get ready for gym class Tim turns to Brian and starts to brag about how he just fingered Amanda the hottest girl in school. Dewey, the school retard (literally, drooly, beady eyed, downs having retard.) is struggling to get his gym outfit on right next to Tim and Brian.
Tim says, "Hey Brian watch this!" and he goes over to Dewey, sticks his fingers out, and says "smell this." Dewey smells it and says in his dopey downs voice, "Whats that?" "Something youll probably never get a chance to smell again, pussy!" Being a retard dewey doesnt quite catch that hes being made fun of, on the contrary he thinks that these boys are being nice to him. So he wants to play along and sticks his finger under Tim's nose and says "Smell this!" Tim quickly recoils in disgust, "what the hell is that?"

Dewey, "My ass"

whats the difference between a Black Jew and a White Jew?

The Black Jew has to sit in the back of the Oven.

what do you call a spanish midget?

Cuntswaylow

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

How do you turn your dishwasher into a snow-blower?

Give her a shovel.

Why did the energizer bunny get put in jail?

He was charged with battery.

Practice safe eating. Always use condiments.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Every Calendar's days are numbered.

two muffins in a oven, blueberry says "yo banana nut, its hot as fuck in hear, eh?" what does banana nut say back?

"OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN!"

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Oklahoma stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.

One button at a time........

No one moves..................

He removes his shirt................

Muscles ripple across his chest..........

She gasps....................................

He whispers......................................

"Iron this... Then get me a beer ."

Guy's sitting at a bar, this good looking woman across the room makes eye contact and slinks up to him. She sits down on the stool beside him, starts making small talk, then leans in close and says, "For $100, I'll do anything you want."

"Anything?" he says.

"Anything," she says, as she puts her hand on his thigh and smiles.

Guy thinks for a bit and says, "Okay, you're on. Paint my house."

Guy meets a hoooker in a bar.
Hooker says, "I give the best handjobs in the world. $200 to find out how good they are."
Guy says, "No way. What could possibly be so special about your handjobs?"
Hooker points out the window to a Ferrari parked outside. "See that car? I paid for that car with the money I made from handjobs. Trust me, they're good."
Guy's a little drunk, so he thinks for a second, figures what the hell and digs into his wallet. They go out to the Ferrari and, sure enough, it is the most incredible handjob he has ever had in his life, definitely worth the money.

Back in the bar, the guy's thinking about his experience. "How much for a blowjob?", he asks the hooker.
"$1000," she says.
He laughs. "You're kidding, right?"
She points out the window to a highrise upscale condo. "See that building over there? I own that building. I paid for it with the money I made from blowjobs. I give the best blowjobs in the world."
"$1000, eh?" (he's Canadian). "You take credit cards?"
They go back out to the car. Sure enough, it's the most mind-blowing blowjob he's ever had, bar none, definitely worth the money.

They's back in the bar. Now this guy's convinced.
"So...how much for some pussy?"
"Come outside with me," she says.
They go outside and she points down the street to some tall office buildings.
"See those office towers over there?"
"No way...," he says, incredulous.
"If I had a pussy..."

A black baby is born with wings. One day while contemplating the reason for his existence, he looks up at the heavens and says "God, was I given wings and put on this Earth as an Angel?

God replied " Nah nigga, you a bat"

Not a joke, but funny stuff heard over the Airlines PA.

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. On a flight to Tampa... "To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

6. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

7. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

8. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

9. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

10. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

11. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

12. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

13. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

14. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

15. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

16. On a Southwest flight: "If you're connecting to another Southwest flight, you'll find monitors in the concourse with gate information and departure times. If you're connecting to another airline... who cares?"

Why do women never need to get a driver's license?

A: Because there's no highway between the bedroom and the kitchen[/u]

I don't think this one made it, which I find very surprising

Q: What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded!!!

The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs.

As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?".
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.
"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."

"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa."

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jim Beam and women with big boobs."

Man walks into a dentist's office.

Dentist: What seems to be the trouble.
Man: I think I'm a moth.
Dentist: You think you're a moth?
Man: Yes
Dentist: If you think you're a moth, why have you come to the dentist?
Man: Well, the light was on.

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

At the exact same time, there are two men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting a blowjob from a 350 pound woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?

"Don't look down...Don't look down...Don't look down..."

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast
Table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
Jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon, the
Two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples
Are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

whats brown and runs down babies nappies??

R Kellys hand

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.

Obviously, he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him. "I'm
not sure what to do," says the Devil.. "you're on my list, but I have no
room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to
have to let someone else go.

"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let
one of them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let you
decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over again.
Such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George shouted. "I don't think so. I am not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge
hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was s swing the hammer, over
and over, time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George .

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does
best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said "O.K., Monica, you're free to go!"

Not a Joke? But Good.

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afganistan. One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed athiest and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off his platform.

The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an poopyhead. So, He sent me."

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little
TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the
sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the
top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice
cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

Good stuff
No arms no leg guy jokes:
U know most of 'em but I think i made these 2 up.
Whaddaya call a guy with no legs and no arms under a car?

Jack

In a mailbox?

Bill

K, here's the rest...

In front of a door?

Matt

Hanging on a wall?

Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a gully?
Rocky

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a field of marijuana?
Bud

What do you call an electrician with no arms and no legs?
Sparky

What do you call a plumber with no arms and no legs?
Wet

What do you call a cat with no legs?
Dogfood

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He won't come when you call him anyway.

What do you call two guys with no arms or legs hanging over your window?
Curt n' Rod

What was the name of the limbless guy that fell in the fire?
Bernie

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 6 feet under?
Doug

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 3 feet under?
Douglas

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and no torso?
Dick

What do you call a legless and armless boy on a baseball team?
First base

What was the name of the limbless guy that was boiled by cannibals?
Stu

What was the name of the limbless girl who was stuck on a femce?
Barb

What was the name of the limbless guy that worked at the soda plant?
Tab

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that sits on top of a podium?
Mike

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs water-skiing?
Skip

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs rolling around on the beach?
Sandy

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole in the ground?
Phil

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs trying to hold-up a bank?
Rob

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other, married to a politician?
Tipper

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on a dirt road?
Dusty

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who left a smudge on your floor?
Mark

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that just fell out of a boat?
Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs flying over a fence?
Homer

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on a grill?
Frank

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a grill?
Patty

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a pile of leaves?
Russell

Ok. This became pretty lame.

I'll finish it with my favorite punchline:
Wreaked him? Hell, damn near killed 'im!

Wow, the one good thread I ever started...Can't believe its still going. Look at the first post date...damn my jokes sucked

q: what did the dishwasher say to the oven?

a: man, you-are-hot!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two crocodiles were flying above the Pacific. Suddenly the one in the middle says: WTF we've been flying for a week and it's still Friday!!!

Jewish child molester: "Hey kid you wanna buy some candy?"

How Long is a Chinese man.

Why is Laura Bush always on top when she and George have sex?

Because George can only Fuck up.

why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had 4 doors ,it would be a chicken sedan. LOL

A priest and a Rabbi are walking dow the street.
A feminine looking 12 year old boy walks boy, so the priest says to the rabbi.
"Let's screw him"
So the Rabbi says,
"No that would be wrong."

A guy walks into a doctor's office with a 11inch railroad stake sticking out of his head.
So the doctor asks him, "sir, what seems to be the problem."
And the guy goes, "I have a railroad stake sticking out of my head."

>A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde
>came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other
>and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied,
>"You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it
>and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it
>was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece
>of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She
>drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over
>to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this
>car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there." If you're not
>sure what a 710 is Click Here < http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a
primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a
discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives
on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes
along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss. " The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.
Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who
can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand.
In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends
Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown
to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And
can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be
a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.

Why do women have legs?

A: Did you ever see the mess a snail makes?

On the first day of college, the Dean addresses the students:
"The female dorm is off limits for male students, and the Male dorm to the female students" Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $40 for the first offense, $100 for the second offense, and $200 on the third offense. Are there any questions?

At this point a male student raises his hand and asks: "How much for a season pass?"

A husband and wife are out for a round of golf at a really nice course.
On the fifth tee, the husband slices his ball, which flies off the course and breaks through a window of a massive house next to the fairway.

The husband and wife embarrassedly go to the huge carved wooden door and knock. When noone answers, they knock harder, and the door opens a little. The husband and wife agree to go in, collect their ball, and leave a note for the owner describing what had happened. So, they go in, looking around in wonder at the beautiful house and all the wonderful things in it. They head down the hall to the room the ball was shot into, and along with the broken window they find a small glass lamp, broken on the floor next to their ball.

The husband quickly picks the ball up, and when they turn to leave the room an elegantly dressed mature man is standing in the doorway. The husband and wife immediately begin to apologize, but the man quickly says "Never mind about the window - that small glass lamp was a genie's lamp, and I am a genie. I have been trapped in that lamp for a thousand years, and you have freed me.

"Normally a genie will give 3 wishes, but that is for rubbing the lamp. As you have broken my lamp, these are the last 3 wishes I will ever grant. So instead of you getting 3 wishes, we're each going to get one." So the genie turns to the husband and asks him for his wish.

The husband thinks for a moment, and answers: "I'd like to have a million dollars given to me each year for the rest of my life."

"Done, " the genie said. "Now you," indicating the wife.

The wife didn't have to think about it. "I'd like a villa in every country in the world, with all the servants and amenities and all the wonderful things that come with gentry living."

'Done," responded the genie. "Now, for my turn." The genie collected his thoughts, turned to the husband and said "I want to have sex with your wife."

Well, the husband and wife were quite taken aback with this. They huddled together in a corner of the room and discuss it.
"What do you think about this?"
"I dunno honey, what do you think?"
"Well, I think that we have a million dollars a year, beautiful homes in every country in the world, and we have each other - if you want to sleep with him for one night I can live with it."

So the wife considers the situation. Her husband was right - they didn't have any financial worries anymore, they could enjoy life to the fullest anywhere in the world from now on, and the genie was _quite_ good looking - he sure didn't look a thousand years old. So, only somewhat reluctantly, she agrees to the genie's proposal.

Hours later, the genie and wife are basking in the afterglow, and the genie asks the wife: "So how old is your husband?"

"37, why?"

"He still believes in genies?"

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