My Joke - If you read you must reply w/ a better one

What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence?

Ripping it back off.

What's red and white and sits in the corner?

A baby playing with a razor blade

If a tree falls on a baby in the forest, and no one is
around to hear it, is it still hilarious?

Chill the fuck out, read this.

You took them from the same site as me!!!

Crap, I need a joke....Rilla's SEX LIFE LOLOLOLO

A guy keeps losing weight no matter how much he eats. He goes to the doctor. The doctor examines him and says, "You have a tapeworm."

"Is that a serious problem?"

Doctor says, "No, come back tomorrow and bring an apple and a cookie."

The guy returns the next day with an apple and a cookie.

Doctor says, "Drop your pants and bend over on the examination table."

The guy does so and the doctor quick shoves the apple up his ass. The guy lets out a groan but the doctor tells hm to hold still. About 30 seconds later the doctor shoves the cookie up his ass, to the sound of the man groaning uncomfortably.

"Is that it?", ask the man.

Doctor says, "No, come back again tomorrow with an apple and a cookie."

The guy does this and the uncomfortable process is repeated, first the apple and then 30 seconds later, the cookie.

"Okay, I'm I cured now?"

"No, come back tomorrow. Same deal, bring an apple and a cookie."

And the painful processes plays out for a third day; first the apple and 30 seconds later, the cookie.

"Doc, I can't take this another day."

"Not a problem. Come back tomorrow, but bring an apple and a hammer".

So the guy returns the next day with an apple and a hammer. He drops his pants and the doctor shoves the apple up his ass as before.

About a minute passes...

The tapeworm sticks his head out and says, "Hey! Where's my cookie?"

Doctor takes the hammer and --- WHAAAAMMMM!!!!!!!

"There, you're cured."

does womens rights count as a joke?

Why does a rancher fuck his sheep at the edge of a cliff?

It's so the sheep will push back.

The ultimate dead baby joke.

How do you fit 200 dead babies into a barrell?

A blender.

How you you get them out of the barrell?

Doritos.

hahaha amazing big red, ive heard em before but they are still classic....

why dont women wear watches?

theres a perfectly good clock on the stove.

How do you make a nigger drown?
Pop his lips (im black so any black people offended by this shut up)

Why are more black people hit by cars during snow?
they are easier to see.

My personal favorite is a classic, but still funny.

Why are black people getting stronger?

TVs are getting heavier.

A blonde walks into a library. After some searching around, she goes up to the librarian and she says, "hi, can I have a burger and some fries?"

[that's not the joke you effing morons]

The librarian, stunned, says, excuse me ma'am, this is a library!

So the blonde abruptly apologizes and whispers in her quiet voice, "oh, excuse me, can I have a burger and some fries?"

MWAHHAHAHHAHAHA

whats long black and smelly?

the unemployment line

A father and his 6 year old son are walking home from school and the boy sees two dogs going at it. The son asks his dad, "what are they doing?". Dad replies "they're making puppies."

Later that evening, the boy wakes in the middle of the night and wanders into his parents bedroom. As he turns on the light, he sees mom and dad going at it. The boy asks his dad "what are you doing?" The dad replies "making babies son."

The boy replies "well roll mom over ... I'd rather have puppies."

This black guy walks into the Unemployment line after he has been on disability and shit his whole life, He tells the guy behind the counter that he is ready to work and wants a Job.
The unemployment officer says he has just the job for him..and explains..

the salary starts at $100,000
He only has to work 3 days a week
It has Full medical benefits
8 weeks vacation per year.
he goes on and on..............

then the Black dude says, Oh common man, your pulling my leg.

and the unemployment officer says,
Well YOU started it..

What do all of the women in a battered womans shelter have in common?

Not a single fucking one of them listen.

Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby out the window?

As punishment for not finishing its plate of sperm.

Why is Michael Jackson like Mcdonalds?

They both put 40 year old meat in 10 year old buns.

What do you do if your women comes out of the kitchen with a black eye?

Hit her in the other eye

So this one time I was playing with this one guy at party 2/4NL. I flopped a set which he bet at and I raised. I heard shouting coming through my monitor! I can't remember exactly, but it sounded something like "OH WOW, NO FEAR, NO FEAR AT ALL!! AHHH GODDAMNIT I'M GOING ALL-IN". Sure enough, all $700 of his chips go in the middle, and my set takes down his king high. tuff_fish left the table soon thereafter.

Way to ruin another thread Lukie. you suck.

Woman goes out to a club one night and gets chatting to this guy she's never met before. All night there's really good chemistry between the 2 and although it's not like her, they go back to his place afterwards. As soon as she gets through the door they're all over each other and she has the most wild amazing sex of her life. After they finish she notices in his bedroom all the shelves are stacked full with cuddly toys, arranged in size order, smallest at the bottom, largest at the top. She figures this to be a bit odd and asks the guy what it's all about. He makes a show of considering the question and responds with, "Well, you can take your pick of anything off the middle shelf."

in case you're serious.. the guy is allowing the girl to choose a teddybear based on how much points she scored with him (like at a carneval), ie how good the sex was (in this case, mediocre).

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.

"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pants and starts massaging his genitals.

"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."

Did you hear about the two Canadian blondes who froze to death at the drive-in movie?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband, knocking him off the porch and into the bushes.
He crawls back up and asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "For having a little pecker."
He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes. She crawls back up and says, "What was that for?"
"For knowing there was more than one size."

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing.

Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.

He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"

She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"

She says, "Well, your name never came up."

What's the smartest thing that's ever come out of a woman's mouth?

Einstein's dick.

If Jesus had a Lay-Z-Boy:

Here's a joke i made up myself, tell me if you like it:

3 guys go on a camping trip, one of the guys is completely white trash. It's been a week since they've left their respective families and it's obvious the redneck is becoming very horny.

1 day, 2 of the guys go up to the redneck and tell him "When we were walking yesterday, we found a cabin where this 25 year old girl lives. For $20 she'll do just about anything for you, you should go down it's just a little ways down the road."

The redneck agrees and the 2 guys watch as their friend walks to the cabin, opens the door, steps inside and closes the door behind him. The 2 guys start laughing, because they both know that there is no girl there, there is actually a rabid monkey who will most likely rip him to shreds. Because it's so dark in the cabin, it will probably just be a few minutes before he comes screaming outside in fear.

30 minutes later, the redneck strolls out of the cabin. It's obvious he is hurt, he has scratches all over his body and his clothes are ripped apart. He approaches his two friends and says "wow, i'm gonna come back and do that tomorrow!"

The other 2 guys are confused, 1 guy responds "Wait! there was a rabid monkey in there. You're all scratched up, why would you want to go their again?"

the redneck responds, "Well, the monkey is better than my daughter."

"Don't you mean your wife?" the other guy asks.

and the redneck says "No, my daughter is a little better than my wife."

this was in Wired...

These two Middle Easterners come to America. They get separated from each other, and about a year later they get together to see who had become more Americanized. Sot eh first guy says, "I'm picking up my son from baseball practice, and then we're going out to McDonald's. Then I'm going home to watch some NFL football. How about you?"

And the second guy says, "poop you towelhead"

This guy is the waiting room at the hospital while his wife gives birth to a baby. The doctor comes out of the delivery room and says, "I have something I must tell you about your baby."

"What's wrong?" the new father asks.

"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

"What's that?"

"It means your baby has both male and female parts."

"Oh my gosh!" the guy exclaims. "You mean it has a vagina...and a brain?"

This one works better in person but here goes...

Q: "how do you sell a rabbit to a deaf guy?"

A: "YOU WANNA BUY A RABBIT???!!!!" - [shouted really loud]

As stolen from a 2 and a half Men episode:
Jake: "So if girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where would a girl with one leg work?" . . .

"IHOP!"

What has 7 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard.

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”

“This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”

if racism offends you, skip this post

A woman has just given birth and the midwife comes in and says to the woman "Do you want the good news or the bad news?"
The woman replies "The bad news" to which the midwife answers "The baby's black." The woman then asks "whats is the good news?" The midwife says "It's dead."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

1. Play Every hand. You never know when the poker gods will bless you with an incredible suck out. Consider all money you lost a sacrifice for your big score.

2. Play Any suited cards. They are a gift from the poker gods and should never be squandered.

3. Call any all in when you hold any of face card. Even with a kicker of 2. Again these are a gift from the poker gods. They shouldn’t be squandered.

4. Always call from the blinds. The poker gods will look kindly on you and give you a good flop.

5. Never let some bluff you out of the pot if you hold any of the following hands. An A with and kicker suited or not. You could catch an A on the river and squash them. That goes for Kx QX and Jx too. Any three to a flush or three to a straight. You never know. They could have nothing and you could catch runner runner.

6. When you catch the only card on the river that would beat the trip aces, or any other hand that had you preflop and all the way to the turn make sure and comment about how good a player you are and how stupid they were for ignoring your mastery at the poker table.

7. Kick and scream when you don’t get your don’t get your 2 outer on the river. Call the player the Anti-Poker God and say he is in league with the forces of evil and should be burnt at the stake.

8. Always check your good hands and bet at the river. If the other players made it that far they will always call you on the river. You will have the best hand as reward for your patience.

9. Any two cards can win. Always remember that. They are words to live by.

10. Never read any Poker Books or articles. They will only ruin you as a player. Remember. POKER IS ALL LUCK. Anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot.

Bill Frist. Thread Over.

-Chris

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My Joke - If you read you must reply w/ a better one

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My Joke - If you read you must reply w/ a better one